Food addiction

I have really been doing a lot of thinking lately about this.  I know for sure that the primary reason for food addiction for me is from my childhood.  I was a preemie who was not expected to live and had a lot of health issues.  Growing up with single mom, I was the oldest of 4.  We were never "starved."  To this day, I am amazed at how well my mom kept it together under the circumstances.  But I never felt "full."  We ate healthy- fruits, veggies, meats.  Sometimes hot dogs or whatever, but rarely if ever ate out at restaurants or even McDonalds.  Money was too tight.  And always, there was the portion control, big time, to try to stretch out the food to last us several days.  Cookies, cakes, chips, candy were rare and also rationed.  I was super skinny and could eat anything I wanted and never gain weight.  Then, I got older and went to college and went to the dining hall, and it was "all you could eat", including desserts every day!  Between the strictness at home with food and going out and dating, I can say that I am glad to have survived 4 years of college!  (PSU was voted #1 party school in the country!)  Then, my body began to change and I began to put on a few pounds.  Add to all of this a very bad self esteem problem.  Let's just say, it was really bad.  I was beat up and picked on mercilessly in junior high and high school.   When I met my husband, 20 years ago, I got to the point where I cooked a meal every night, and cooked for an army because Paul LOVES to eat and be fed.  I can say that our relationship was based so much on food- me cooking and us eating out.  It was great, but again, my body was changing and my metabolism was changing and I also became a couch potato, staying home with Paul.  But food became more about eating because I could.  Still had bad self esteem issues as well.  But now, I could eat as much as I wanted and whatever I wanted and it became about fullfilling this need that still was never satisfied in a way.  I know, when I reach for that stupid chocolate donut, that this is subconsciously what is going through my head.  I don't want to deny myself anything.  It's not fair that I can't have that chocolate donut.  We had plenty of apples growing up as kids and even though I like apples, hated eating them.  Would rather have had a Tastykake like everyone else.  I know, this is what is giong through my head now.  My thought processes are messed up.  so much of this negative self talk is going through me and I am not even thinking about it!  But 20 years of this and there I was, 56 lbs heavier than when I met Paul!!!!  OMG!  And when I got my Wii Fit, found out for the first time my BMI was in the OBESE category.  It was a scary wake up call for me.  If I find satisfaction in other things (reading a book, playing a video game, etc), I don't even think about "God I could kill for a piece of chocolate cake."  I am going to have to try to do that.  To find satisfaction and self esteem in other things.  I have to stop those conversations going on in my mind that are obsessing about food.   Anway, I know what the problem is, just need to figure out how to get around it.  I have to chose not to eat McDonalds and chocolate cake and not tell myself I can't have it.  I wonder if hypnosis would help?  I have to plan my meals a little better, even when it means cooking something for myself different than what my son and husband are eating. Thanks everyone for your love and support!  I just go through these spurts where I feel like a failure!  If I don't do things a certain way or within a certain time frame or as good as other people, than I must be failing and doing something wrong.  I have to stop thinking like that and continue to take this one day at a time.  I know losing weight will not solve the self esteem problem but will help dramatically.  I will feel better about myself and will have accomplished something I worked hard and long for and dreamed about.  I know going back to night school and finishing my degree (I did not graduate from Penn State after 4 years.  I told you PSU was the #1 party school.)  13 years ago, changed me big time!  But graduating with honors and a 3.89 GPA after all those years of dreaming about it really boosted my self confidence.  I had so much fight and motivation.  But no barriers.  No kids or anything and Paul travelled with work a lot.  So going to school a couple of nights a week was no big deal.   I just have to figure out my barriers and find away over or around them with this weight and my eating.  Exercise is typically now not an issue.  Just gotta eat less and eat healthy.

Replies

JoyceMarilyn
JoyceMarilyn

This is a great journal...it must have take so much courage to put it all out here and share it! If I shed tears reading it I am sure you shed many while writing it!

We have many friends that lived through the depression era...they are much the same way you are about foods. Except they tend to hoard food also. As if there may not be any food tomorrow so they must hoard it. It has to be a very hard mind set to get past.
Know that I am here with a shoulder and a hug when you need it. I may not have any answers but I can sit and listen for hours!

I wish for you strength to get a handle on this and find peace! Love Ya!
ZECILKL
ZECILKL

your journal entry was very moving....
you know where things stand... so you are on the right path... it is a shame that you feel food controls you.....

should you want to talk more i am here to listen and try to help...
to be truthfull i felt like i was looking in a mirror... i had food to eat however... not allowed as i was put on a diet by my dr. at around age 8.. so the forbidden food..is the one you what to go after.. am i on the right page....
Hope i can help... hugs... shoulder anytime you need one...
deleted_user
deleted_user

I agree with Joyce and Zecilkl - thanks for sharing and figuring out the reason behind it all. Takes a lot of courage to open up and get it out there. I basically had the same experience growing up with 4 other kids - $ was tight, couldn\'t have all the snacks, etc. As I got older I bought snacks myself and at the age of 14 I started to pack on the lbs. It was ok when I started dating then of course I started dropping weight but with Jim it was nice to go out to dinner all the time, when we moved in together I loved cooking and we both gained weight together so I understand what you mean. Great for finishing school and making yourself proud! I want to find other habits to hold on to instead of a bad food habit - Let\'s do this together, yep, one foot in front of the other. We can make the better choices and remind ourselves that we are doing this for us and want to make that change and be healthier and happier!!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! I\'m always here to listen too. Big Hugs xxxx
deleted_user
deleted_user

You are beginning to really get to the heart of the matter here, and I\'m proud of you. We are here as your sounding board and to offer whatever words of help or understanding you need. Once we know better, we can do better. Setting up a schedule and fully grasping that this will be a life-long journey for us certainly helps. Hugs!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Wow! Great insight into your food choices/habits. You\'re on the right path! I\'ll send you positive thoughts each and every day! Stay strong! :)