Follow Up

I went to the cemetery at lunch today.  Naturally broke down and cried, especially when my sister texted me from Rhode Island to tell me that she wished she was here with me today.  But, she'll be home sometime tonight and we only live 15 minutes from one another.
The cemetery became a peaceful setting.  I talked from my heart, in honesty, like I always do.  After pulling some weeds from our stone, the golf ball my good friend planted in the soil appeared.  Gave me a feeling of being blessed that I have a friend who cares enough to plant something at the grave site of a person she only met once, but knows what he means to me.  He own brother is buried in our cemetery, but do you think I can find his plot?  Haven't yet.
I know I'm doing and living in a way that is best for me, however, that little monster continues to creep up to give me a poke or a tug.  After sharing a home with someone you loved, it is a difficult transition to be on your own and take care of yourself.  I don't want to be anyone's burden, nor latch on to anyone to take care of my every need.  Naturally, like I've said all along, I don't want to be someone's girlfriend or wife.  Companion, yes, but a companion to my family and my female friends.  Also, my cat.  There is a big difference.  Companionship comes in many forms, and it doesn't need to be a fella.  I work with a department of fellas, and they give me a hand when I need it, or a sympathetic ear to listen.  My goal in life is to be quite comfortable in my own skin, and quite comfortable living on my own and taking care of myself.
I guess two years hasn't been long enough to settle into that pattern.  I was settled, really I was, until the grief monster snuck up on me and reared his ugly head again.  I can see how many widows resort to giving away everything they have that reminds them of their loss.  We are all diffferent, but our "stuff" is who I am, and part of my history.  It isn't just his and my stuff, it is also bits and pieces of the family; parents, in-laws, etc.  My belief is that it is healthier to embrace all those material items that were such an integral part of your life, rather than dispose of them.  But, again, that's just me.
I hope to be feeling better when I see my counselor again on the 24th, but there is no pressure nor timeline to do so.  My daily walks continue, or a good swim at the pool, where I can just chill out and talk to God.  Hey God, guess what?  I've seen so many widows that you have allowed to live on their own all these years and they are content.  Doesn't mean they don't have their bad days, miss their husbands, or have a good cry, but they are settled and comfortable in their own skin.  Hey!  Over here!  What about me?