Focus
I've been having a very hard time finishing a journal entry lately. I started writing days ago about how I was feeling and each time, ended up stopping myself with comments to myself like... oh well, get over it, no one cares, everyone has problems, quit complaining, accept it, move on. Even a good thought stopped me from writing... "change your perspective"
So, today, Friday - disappointed. I feel like I shorted myself by clearing my entries or cancelling them. My heart is broken still and I need to feel the way I feel to work through the process of healing. So this journal entry is a collection of some of the things I thought about writing this past week.
Last Saturday - major depression. Couldn't make myself get out of bed. I felt so sad, lonely, hurt, embarrassed this happened to me and sorry for myself and my children that this happened.
Sunday - overwhelmed and a little sorry for myself still. Too busy working cause I have a 2nd job and now I'm also trying to get caught up on things I should have done Saturday. Also almost forgot my presence was required for celebrating a friends bridal party dinner. Not lovin that I'm participating in a wedding when my marriage has fallen apart. It's hard to be happy.
Monday & Tuesday - feeling sorry for myself - STILL. I have more than my fair share of obstacles. It seems every day brings more bad luck. No power due to a storm, now even more behind on laundry and house cleaning, lost food. Stayed home from work on Monday to be with my youngest. When we lose power we lose water too, no showers, no toilets, nothing. Tuesday after work, drove an hour to my parents since it was estimated power wouldn't be back until Thursday but, by 9:30pm Tuesday, power was restored. Another hour drive back home. Pretty frustrated but sleeping in my own bed will be good!
Wednesday - overwhelmed (again). Trying to get back in the swing of things.
Thursday - financially insecure. Need to schedule physicals for kids 2&3. Shouldn't be too expensive. Unfortunately, they also need dentist appt for fillings...that'll be close to $800.00 yuck! Oh and kid 1 needs a new eye exam and glasses. Maybe another $250
Last thougts on feelings for today, worried and afraid. He was one of the most important people in my life for over 22 years. I looked to him for love and even though I didn't always get what I needed, I depended on him to always be there. Being alone is scary.
So, today, Friday - disappointed. I feel like I shorted myself by clearing my entries or cancelling them. My heart is broken still and I need to feel the way I feel to work through the process of healing. So this journal entry is a collection of some of the things I thought about writing this past week.
Last Saturday - major depression. Couldn't make myself get out of bed. I felt so sad, lonely, hurt, embarrassed this happened to me and sorry for myself and my children that this happened.
Sunday - overwhelmed and a little sorry for myself still. Too busy working cause I have a 2nd job and now I'm also trying to get caught up on things I should have done Saturday. Also almost forgot my presence was required for celebrating a friends bridal party dinner. Not lovin that I'm participating in a wedding when my marriage has fallen apart. It's hard to be happy.
Monday & Tuesday - feeling sorry for myself - STILL. I have more than my fair share of obstacles. It seems every day brings more bad luck. No power due to a storm, now even more behind on laundry and house cleaning, lost food. Stayed home from work on Monday to be with my youngest. When we lose power we lose water too, no showers, no toilets, nothing. Tuesday after work, drove an hour to my parents since it was estimated power wouldn't be back until Thursday but, by 9:30pm Tuesday, power was restored. Another hour drive back home. Pretty frustrated but sleeping in my own bed will be good!
Wednesday - overwhelmed (again). Trying to get back in the swing of things.
Thursday - financially insecure. Need to schedule physicals for kids 2&3. Shouldn't be too expensive. Unfortunately, they also need dentist appt for fillings...that'll be close to $800.00 yuck! Oh and kid 1 needs a new eye exam and glasses. Maybe another $250
Last thougts on feelings for today, worried and afraid. He was one of the most important people in my life for over 22 years. I looked to him for love and even though I didn't always get what I needed, I depended on him to always be there. Being alone is scary.
Replies