Floating

I haven't quite figured daily strength out.....how to be involved and make new friends.......I am so frustrated with my life.......then feel horribly guilty when I realize what others are going through......I am healthy, capable, kind of stuck due to poor bus service. Live in a tourist area where only tourist with wheels get anywhere. Tampa Bay in Florida is the worst for people on foot.....dangerous for pedestrians and bikes.   So I plan today then wake up and think 5 buses to get to a beach 22 miles away? In this heat? Then talk myself out of it.  At 73 this heat this year has really walloped me...come on Oct. then much shorter days. Whine whine whine it seems is all I do.....I have never felt so frustrated in my life then really feel guilty for the blessings I have....have a son here who it is plain to see would rather be with anyone but me...rest are out of town....obligatory visits are as exhausting for me as I can see for them.  Boy am I in a big sorry rut.  Don't even know where to start to get a life......some mothers and kids .are family ..well I wasn't home much raising four on my own..worked a whole lot......I wasn't there in person for them......and of course runaway daddy was perfect..... I .it's not surprising they are not ....comfortable with me as they have no idea who I am just assumptions, confusion and all that crap for single moms who don't get to raise their own kids while daddy's show up once in a while with gifts mom could never afford......I think I am a little jealous. Father of three died in 99 i just love the perfect dad crap put on Facebook for Father's Day every year......nothing on Mother's Day.....the other one disowned when she was 12....wanted a new life with his new wife.......lives 30 miles away has never seen 4 grands......at least she doesn't celebrate dads day.....or moms either except for her perfect mother in law.   .....you cannot even imagine the life I have due to my son and addictions.......so far he is clean 17 yrs but some addictions are very public and carry on.......whine whine whine I can't even stand to be with me........when they visit I shut down am very quiet so I won't set anyone off and be yelled at or accused of things in front of my grands........I have never missed Bdays.......but now I need my upper partial replaced and since I never see a moms day or birthday card from anyone any age I think I am ready to give up and just take care of me. I am on soc sec live in low income senior housing....never even know if anyone received cards with money or gifts....postage is so high now too........if I am forgotten by four kids and 19 grands is it okay to just stop and spend it on me?    I don't think the difference it makes to them compares to how it will effect me financially.......I could just do the under 12.   Never a thanks or acknowledgement .......I think I am done there are 5 more birthdays by dec 31...    I think not only will that be it but I seriously doubt anyone will even notice.    I have neighbors who have outlived their families and friends. Maybe I could hang a little gift on their door.....surprise.......or not right now I am just spinning very rusty wheels and feeling very weighted down......while guilty because I have so many blessings......jeeesssscccchhhhhh!