flipped the switch

holy anxiety. im trying just to breathe right now, ive been succeeding all day, but damn. im shaking now, my heart is goin a million miles a minute. at this point i nearly feel that a mild heart attack might give me a rest while the ressecitate me... morbid a little ya i know but this has been constant for days. im trying with everything in me to not disconnect again. i just want peace. just peace.
im always at war with myself, and i feel i am stuck on self sabotage mode. i no longer have counseling, not that i was making leaps and bounds because of it anyway, but they wanted to charge me extra for missin an appointment, even though i called in advance. i cant pay that, and they werent seeing me again until i paid it, so i said goodbye. im insane right now. and i feel like an idiot because i went and gambled when of all times i shouldnt... wonderful... even wrote a check at work, not a good idea, not in the least. wonderful. im not thinking clearly. not one little bit. I thought i was ok with my decision.. now i miss ausitn. i do miss him. i just trying to stick to my guns for now. keep affirming the reasons why i left. im going to write them again, cause i feel crazy, he is making me feel crazy, cause now he is trying. now. not when i was with him, but after i leave.
i left because i didnt see a future beyond what we were, not that it was bad, but because i wanted to progress into something more than this stage of life.
he is not financially stable, if anything happened, car accident, someone got hurt, any incident, there would be no security in making rent or bills or where to live if we couldnt.
i wanted to be married, mainly because of my daughter. i want to buy a house, his credit sucks bad, and he has no intention of fixing it. he has never made one step towards anything, for us or for himself other than those 2 months he worked out to "join the navy' and then stopped because he thought he wouldnt get the exact job he wanted, and didnt even research it. so now, even more than before, i doubt his ability to follow through, which makes me feel if we ever tried to set a common goal, i would feel the whole way through that it was up to me to reach it. whether it was the case or not, but in 2 1/2 years we never set one. i wanted him to do these things for himself, not just for me. he is incredibly smart. he could have a degree in no time, and then i could work on mine after he got his. but he continued to rebel, and get angry if i talked about it. i felt crowded when i got home, and lonely at the same time, cause of the condition of the house, and cause i was so drained from complaining about it, it seemed like i was bitching abut something every day, i hate feeling like that, i hate feeling like i have to nag about it. but the house is very important to me, i cant stand an outright mess. and if someone says they are going to do something, then do it, even if it is simple, cause this makes me feel stable at home, and like someone cared about me to do that for me, evne though they thought i was overreacting. and i want another baby. i want to be pregnant again one more time in this lifetime. people say why rush? and its not that im rushing, but i have a high chance of miscarriage, and my pregnancy was rough, and well, much after 30 it only gets harder. but i want a little baby again. he said he couldnt do that, that he had no patience for another. said that he didnt want one flat out, now he says he never said that like that. but he did.
now he says that he might like another. but i think he is just saying this for me to hear. now he also says he would marry me in a year. he has never actually talked marriage since we have been together. he says he has never felt financially stable... yet he hasnt taken steps to try to amend that. i feel like everything is a catch 22 sometimes. and we cant talk, we argue about the simplest things.
but all in all, i love the man. i do. i just feel like there is too much baggage attatched to us.
yes, was closed off from anyone for a while, and a bit cold. i got in the relationship when i wasnt ready. but neither was he, taking on a real relationship for the first time with a depressed mom and new baby, with no experience with kids. i cant blame anyone, not me. not him. i just didnt feel stable there.. like i feel stable now.
except for the fact he is trying now, saying he was always that way... he wasnt. it isnt all me. i do feel how i feel for a reason. it makes me upset to think that maybe he was but i didnt see it, that i really am that blind and bad of a person to take my daughter from the only dad she has ever known to go off on my own. but its really hard now, when i look in his eyes and see him hurting it kills me, especially that i miss him and love him and that i truly dont know what happened. but if i went back then i would have to believe that i am that bad of a person. that i am crazy and have no heart... because he says he was always that way and i just didnt see, and i swear i see a change in him since this all went down. i dont now. i have revolving door thoughts and emotions, and well, it never ceases. and im broke right now on top of it, i dont even know if my checks will clear. all i can think is that i should be feeling great, hell, i have two wonderful people who love me, i have good friends... it should at least be a self esteem boost. but no... here i am, wallowing in my sea of sorrow playing a violin. someone please hit the fast forward button a couple years for me... even a week...