Flip Side

So Huz had four days off in a row this week.  It should have been a chance to reconnect and bond and set things straight. 
Day 1:  We fought and fought and picked and picked at each other.  It was a nightmare.  I tried telling him I just wanted him to spend some time with me.  He just didn't get it.
Day 2: I cried and slept all day and when Huz finally tried to approach me, he was a bull in a china shop.  He had this sort of attitude of "FINE, let's fix this NOW" and he wanted to pour every single problem on the table and tackle them all.  SO much for quality time together.  So much for bonding.  So much for finding a way to even slightly like him again.
After about the 5th round of the day of him bombarding me with, "Well!? WELL? How do YOU want to fix this!?" I broke.  I just started bombing him with everything that was in my head.  And I started to get really angry.  Not necessarily at him, but just at feeling cornered and attacked.  Geeze, if I had a solution for all of our problems, doesn't he think I'd lay it at his feet?  Things were about to break really bad (again...) when finally he said something like, "Could you try not to yell at me and be so ANGRY with me while we talk about this?"
And he was right.  I knew it.  It wasn't solving anything.  But none of this was going to be solved.  So much is just hanging in the air and going nowhere.  So much can't be solved right now.  Still, letting my frustration turn to anger and letting my weariness get to me... it just wasn't helping.  I tried taking a few deep breaths, but in the end, his very presence annoyed me.  He has been smoking A LOT again (I'm sure his way of coping with stress) and I HATE it.  HATE.  Grossest thing ever.  Plus he hasn't been taking care of himself, so he just smelled bad in general.  In the midst of trying to calm down it's all I could think about so I blurted, "Your feet smell SO bad!"
Awesome.  Way to fix things, right?  I'm such an idiot.  He left the room, understandably, and went to go clean up. Thankfully.
Me, I went outside to truly and genuinely calm down.  Sitting in the quiet watching the stars really helped center me.  I realized I needed to turn things around.  I also realized in asking him to spend time with me, I wasn't clarifying WHY.  He thought "spend time together" meant "solve all our problems".  No.  I just wanted to be close and reconnect.  We've drifted so far apart and things between us have gotten ugly.
When he came outside to find me, I asked him to sit down.  I begged him NOT to talk.  Just to sit quietly and BE together.  Through tears, I explained I couldn't handle another argument and I didn't WANT to talk about the house, the kids, day camp, finances, or any other stressful thing.  I just wanted to be close.
I swear, I think he had to bite his tongue to keep quiet, but he did it.
I was sitting on the stairs and he came to sit beside me.  I moved to sit on the stair in front of him and leaned back against him, then grabbed his arms and wrapped them around me under my shirt so we could be skin on skin.  We sat in silence for awhile until I saw a shooting star and then I started telling him all the things I love/admire about him.  It worked for the OW.  It's (at least in part) what drew him in.  But - that's not why I did it.  I did it because I needed him to know how very special he is to me and how very highly I think of him.  Because I do. 
Yes, I complain.  Yes I "correct him"- how else is he going to know what I want/need or how else will he know if I'm not happy?  Even though I could be more tactful, THAT isn't the problem.  The problem is, I don't tell him the GOOD stuff, too.  It was something that came up in marriage counseling, but something we didn't get to explore further because we quit shortly after.  So good.  Only good.  No, "I like your eyes... well, except when you squint..." just... "I like your eyes."  Period.  Let it be just the good stuff.
I went on for several minutes.  He held me tight.  All those threads that had stretched between us almost to the point of breaking started to firm up and grow stronger.  I could feel the tension between us relaxing.  I could feel hope again.
He started to talk, and when he did, the tension started to grow again.  He is often clumsy with his words.  Here I poured my heart out about how much I loved him and how great he was and he started talking about HIMSELF and I felt a hard shell start to form around my heart.  Then I remembered to let go.  Give him his moment to fumble through what he needed to say.  I became a sponge... just taking in what he had to say and waiting until he was DONE to process, instead of my usual way of processing as he goes.
Turns out his jagged start was really a way to turning it back on me, and the things he loves about me.  He started by talking about his own heroism and his own bravery (can you see why I'd be a little affronted?!) but then turned it back to me with, "That's not true bravery... I don't KNOW fear.  You... you're afraid of everything.  But you push out of your shell and face things, anyway.  THAT is true bravery.  I am so proud of you."
I teared up.  I still tear up just typing it. 
I need him so much.  I love him so much.  We are yin and yang.  Night and day.  Up and down.  But we are so strongly connected, that I can never tear away from him.
There are still things that are just WRONG and need to be set right, but at least I remembered why I'm fighting so hard to make things right.
Day 3 (yesterday) was low key and low stress, but not really "bonding" time, either, and today (day 4) will be all about our daughter and her friends, so it's not like we'll be spending alone time, but I'm hoping he will see how reconnecting doesn't mean spending $$$ or elaborate plans - just about being alone and being truly close.
(I won't lie, though, a little nekkid time would definitely relieve some of this tension.)