'Flickers'.

How is it that I can feel so lonely? So useless, so... pained? I guess it's better then feeling nothing at all... But I would rather feel nothing. I would rather be numb.
It's this thing on the side of my temple. This throbbing... "right where the bullet should have gone". I usually get these flickers (I read a book called 'Boy Toy' and this boy went through some trama and he described having these flashbacks that were so powerful and vivid it's like he was there. He called them 'flickers' and I adopted the term) when I am alone. They are quick and painful. But recently they have been constant, violent. I can feel the gun in my hand... the razor on my skin... the snow on my cheeks... I feel it all.
I want to talk about my audition, my stay at my sisters and my mom but I just can't... My head isn't letting me... I'm not thinking straight... I don't know what to do... Pop a pill? Try to sleep? Sing? Watch Next To Normal? I don't know...
help me.