Flatlining in every respect of the word...
Good lord, where do I begin. I came to DS long ago seeking solace from a very difficult set of life circumstances. Severe depression, bipolar-3, and a lifetime of the most miserable encounters, had me in a funk a year ago, three days before my 50th birthday. Something I wrote to a friend summoned the police to my home and found me compelled to speak with a therapist for the day. Happy birthday to me... Those are the circumstances that brought me to this place. The need to find people I could relate to. But of course what I came to find, is what I always find when I go looking for someone to listen. That I'm not really very good at that sort of thing. That I'm actually much better at listening to the troubles of others. Helping others sort of clarity, always seems to help order my own house. I've known a lot of very good souls here at DS, some of them looking for real solutions, and others for companionship, but all deserving of my ear and compassion. But then something wholly unexpected occurred and I met someone truly special. Someone I began to have very deep feelings for, and she for me also. Totally unexpected and not what I came here seeking. This person revealed more and more to me over time and with each revelation she became more lovely, more kind and in every way, so much more than I could have ever hoped to have found in this world. And I began thinking of her as a game changer in my life, referring to her as my midlife miracle. Like something from the pages of a book, I simply turned a corner one day and nothing would ever be the same... We've become quite close and had began talking about a life together as the two of us were so good at fulfilling the needs of the other. We were just so well matched that it seemed inevitable. There was no rush for the two of us. With both of us in our early 50's, we had all of the time in the world and we both continued pursuing our personal goals, with thoughts of a better time to be shared together just across the horizon.
And then came the phone call... That she was sick... Perhaps dying. We don't yet know. And that's changed the equation completely. Now there is no time, and there may be no future. And in the panic of the moment, she is pushing me away from her. Pushing me out of her life. She seems convinced that its for the best. At least that's what she's telling me... Telling herself. But I think I know better. She's just doing what she's always done. Pushing any good thing out of her life when trouble arises. I see this because it fits the pattern of her past so completely... And she doesn't see this, for the same reason... because it fits the pattern of her past so completely. And so we sit. Two people very much in love but being held apart by cruel circumstance. Soon she will be under the care of a team of surgeons. Soon they will place her beneath anesthesia. And my greatest fear. My waking nightmare... Is what if something happens to her and she never wakes again. Because this sort of thing happens every day in hospitals all across the country. There are a thousand differing reasons for this sort of thing to occur. And if that were to happen. If she were to never again wake... I'd never know what happened. Ever... Because she has been very, very careful to stay at a distance from me, out of a healthy fear of the experiences in her own past. Before though... Before, when she was still healthy, none of that mattered. We had all of the time in the world. We had the opportunity to allow for the slow unfolding, of the sort of trust that it takes time to establish a deep relationship. But now all of that has gone. If she dies, she will simply vanish from my world with out a trace, as though she never existed. Because aside from an email address and a phone not registered to her personally, I have nothing else to know her by. I would never even be able to send flowers... never able to contact her family. And now... now I'm beginning to think that's what she wants. That's she's never going to allow me into her life. That now that she's sick, she will never allow me further access. And I just don't know what to do. In truth I can do nothing. My birthday is in five days...Happy birthday DS... Happy birthday to me. But really it feels like an anniversary of the events of last year. More hopelessness
And then came the phone call... That she was sick... Perhaps dying. We don't yet know. And that's changed the equation completely. Now there is no time, and there may be no future. And in the panic of the moment, she is pushing me away from her. Pushing me out of her life. She seems convinced that its for the best. At least that's what she's telling me... Telling herself. But I think I know better. She's just doing what she's always done. Pushing any good thing out of her life when trouble arises. I see this because it fits the pattern of her past so completely... And she doesn't see this, for the same reason... because it fits the pattern of her past so completely. And so we sit. Two people very much in love but being held apart by cruel circumstance. Soon she will be under the care of a team of surgeons. Soon they will place her beneath anesthesia. And my greatest fear. My waking nightmare... Is what if something happens to her and she never wakes again. Because this sort of thing happens every day in hospitals all across the country. There are a thousand differing reasons for this sort of thing to occur. And if that were to happen. If she were to never again wake... I'd never know what happened. Ever... Because she has been very, very careful to stay at a distance from me, out of a healthy fear of the experiences in her own past. Before though... Before, when she was still healthy, none of that mattered. We had all of the time in the world. We had the opportunity to allow for the slow unfolding, of the sort of trust that it takes time to establish a deep relationship. But now all of that has gone. If she dies, she will simply vanish from my world with out a trace, as though she never existed. Because aside from an email address and a phone not registered to her personally, I have nothing else to know her by. I would never even be able to send flowers... never able to contact her family. And now... now I'm beginning to think that's what she wants. That's she's never going to allow me into her life. That now that she's sick, she will never allow me further access. And I just don't know what to do. In truth I can do nothing. My birthday is in five days...Happy birthday DS... Happy birthday to me. But really it feels like an anniversary of the events of last year. More hopelessness
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