Flashback
I just re-read some diary material from my high school period.
Wow. Major confrontation.
Re-reading all those passages where I'm struggling and confused. Always seeing the corresponding dates above them and knowing what it means. I want to shout at my younger self for never having realised something was seriously wrong. Of course I knew already that in retrospect my problems started back then but reading about them in my own writing makes things painfully clear.
October '05
' I feel so f-cked up. Why can't I do the easy things like come home from school and make homework? Now all I do is waste my time by laying on the couch, watching stupid shows I already saw. One morning I was in school and suddenly found out I simply forgot breakfast. I'm making a mess of myself. Maybe I feel that my life is so boring that I'm just trying to spice it up myself by crashing into problems that I could easily avoid. I don't know whether I respect myself or not. I never had serious problems with who I am or what I look like but a self-respecting person wouldn't let this shit happen. '
November '05
' It's getting worse. Besides not making homework I also skip school sometimes. Just because I don't want to come out of my bed. And while sitting at home I just think that I'd much rather be sitting in school, and what I'm gonna do when my parents find out. I'm sure they will, sooner or later. I just have to quit this behaviour before they do. But how? I feel so trashy, so wasted, so much like a year ago. Except now I care and realise that I only got myself to blame. Gah, I can't talk about this with anyone. I got friends but how much do they really know about me? I feel so ignored and alone. I don't even understand myself. While I know so many girls of my age feel the same way. I want to be different but I'm actually very much the same. By being like this I'm blowing it for myself. Why am I being like this? Why did I start being like this? Everything was going so well. I don't want help but I don't know if I can do this on my own. I'm afraid to lose that little bit of trust my parents still have in me. Or that little bit of trust I still have in myself. '
May '06
' It's a new sensation to wake up and not feel tired. I wonder how long it'll last. Things are going better anyway. I got the feeling I'm staying more true to myself. '
I see now that the symptoms I had were a lot more serious than I remembered. In any case those periods were always one big blah of which I don't remember much of a time-line or something like that. Still don't. They form the dark gaps in my memories. I couldn't reach out because I was afraid nobody would understand me, how could they if I couldn't even understand myself why I was behaving like that? And even though I sometimes got into real trouble with school, I was always able to get myself out of it again by studying like a madman in spring. There was no reason to think something was wrong. I was an obedient student with good grades. My episodes of skipping school and bad marks were seen as teenage rebelling and school stress. I would always break down at the beginning of spring and confess everything, not being able to keep up the web of lies anymore, and finally having the strength to confront matters. A few years I even managed to clean up my own mess without having to inform anyone. I could do this because I was still living at home and school was practically my only responsibility.
This changed when I went to university. Major breakdown ensued. I managed to somehow keep things up until the christmas vacation but after that I stopped going to classes. Not long after that I stopped going to my committee work as well. Administrative and household work had already come to a halt months before. And again, it was only at the beginning of spring that I could confess to my parents what was really going on. I was scared. I had always thought my problems in school derived from the fact that I had a lot of subjects I wasn't motivated for. That I didn't fit in the system. And that everything would get better when I was in university, when I would do something I loved, and had my own independence.
I loved it. The subjects, the way of teaching. It was interesting and challenging. But it didn't help. I got exactly the same problems again. It was only then, now that my original theory was obviously failing, that I started suspect it could be something else.
At the beginning of summer '09 I was diagnosed with winter depression.
Wow. Major confrontation.
Re-reading all those passages where I'm struggling and confused. Always seeing the corresponding dates above them and knowing what it means. I want to shout at my younger self for never having realised something was seriously wrong. Of course I knew already that in retrospect my problems started back then but reading about them in my own writing makes things painfully clear.
October '05
' I feel so f-cked up. Why can't I do the easy things like come home from school and make homework? Now all I do is waste my time by laying on the couch, watching stupid shows I already saw. One morning I was in school and suddenly found out I simply forgot breakfast. I'm making a mess of myself. Maybe I feel that my life is so boring that I'm just trying to spice it up myself by crashing into problems that I could easily avoid. I don't know whether I respect myself or not. I never had serious problems with who I am or what I look like but a self-respecting person wouldn't let this shit happen. '
November '05
' It's getting worse. Besides not making homework I also skip school sometimes. Just because I don't want to come out of my bed. And while sitting at home I just think that I'd much rather be sitting in school, and what I'm gonna do when my parents find out. I'm sure they will, sooner or later. I just have to quit this behaviour before they do. But how? I feel so trashy, so wasted, so much like a year ago. Except now I care and realise that I only got myself to blame. Gah, I can't talk about this with anyone. I got friends but how much do they really know about me? I feel so ignored and alone. I don't even understand myself. While I know so many girls of my age feel the same way. I want to be different but I'm actually very much the same. By being like this I'm blowing it for myself. Why am I being like this? Why did I start being like this? Everything was going so well. I don't want help but I don't know if I can do this on my own. I'm afraid to lose that little bit of trust my parents still have in me. Or that little bit of trust I still have in myself. '
May '06
' It's a new sensation to wake up and not feel tired. I wonder how long it'll last. Things are going better anyway. I got the feeling I'm staying more true to myself. '
I see now that the symptoms I had were a lot more serious than I remembered. In any case those periods were always one big blah of which I don't remember much of a time-line or something like that. Still don't. They form the dark gaps in my memories. I couldn't reach out because I was afraid nobody would understand me, how could they if I couldn't even understand myself why I was behaving like that? And even though I sometimes got into real trouble with school, I was always able to get myself out of it again by studying like a madman in spring. There was no reason to think something was wrong. I was an obedient student with good grades. My episodes of skipping school and bad marks were seen as teenage rebelling and school stress. I would always break down at the beginning of spring and confess everything, not being able to keep up the web of lies anymore, and finally having the strength to confront matters. A few years I even managed to clean up my own mess without having to inform anyone. I could do this because I was still living at home and school was practically my only responsibility.
This changed when I went to university. Major breakdown ensued. I managed to somehow keep things up until the christmas vacation but after that I stopped going to classes. Not long after that I stopped going to my committee work as well. Administrative and household work had already come to a halt months before. And again, it was only at the beginning of spring that I could confess to my parents what was really going on. I was scared. I had always thought my problems in school derived from the fact that I had a lot of subjects I wasn't motivated for. That I didn't fit in the system. And that everything would get better when I was in university, when I would do something I loved, and had my own independence.
I loved it. The subjects, the way of teaching. It was interesting and challenging. But it didn't help. I got exactly the same problems again. It was only then, now that my original theory was obviously failing, that I started suspect it could be something else.
At the beginning of summer '09 I was diagnosed with winter depression.
Replies
Hey, that\'s great to have those old diaries. I have written several myself. Just remember the car of today doesn\'t have to drive into the future on the highway of yesterday.
Thanks, that\'s a really compact way of expressing it.