Five Years Later
My mom passed away 5 years ago today after a 5 month stay in hospitals and hospice. I spent weeks when my mom was in hospice praying that God would take my mom Home, that He would spare her any more suffering. I saw my mom who had always been strong for me, always been strong enough to recover from any pain or abuse or trial of life, unable to rise from bed, unable to speak with her own voice, unable to eat without assistance.
I got pregnant about 2 weeks after my mom died. I think she sent my boy straight from Heaven to me, knowing what I needed if I was to handle life without her. Still, I have never recovered from that loss of my mom and there are times even now when I would give anything to hold her hand again, feel her arms around me again, to remind me that there was even one person who loved me unconditionally, completely, despite my many flaws and problems. I have not felt God's hand in mine. I did not know Jesus Christ as a man. But I knew my earthly mother and my soul aches to be apart from her.
My son has a cold and is wound up today. My husband is being his needy asshole self. I know he wants sex and that is the furthest thing from my mind when I hurt like this. I wish I was addicted to sex instead of food. My husband would be a lot happier. I had to spend money on medicine for my daughter, who is getting dental surgery tomorrow. He's pissed about the copay for the surgery. He's pissed about spending money on a summer family pool pass. Fuck him. There, I said it. I did not get what I wanted for my birthday or mother's day or any other fucking thing, so fuck him. I'm not out spending money on any frivolous thing, so he can kiss my ever growing ass.
I'm sure he'll love when I have more prescriptions after I go to the doctor this week, too. Heaven forbid I have to see a specialist and have a double co-pay.
My mom used to tell my dad, when he would gripe about doctor and medicine copays -- I AM WORTH IT. She was right. I'm sure if my dad was alive right now, he would tell me the same thing. Mom was worth it and I am worth it.
It's not like we're flat broke.
Now my kids are bitching at each other.
I've had it.
I'm tired.
I have playing facebook games and wasting time. I'm so done. I'm done trying. I am having my pity party and I don't get to go to bed with this ever growing headache. I have to just take more pills and keep going. No wonder I'm such a fucking mess.
dea
I got pregnant about 2 weeks after my mom died. I think she sent my boy straight from Heaven to me, knowing what I needed if I was to handle life without her. Still, I have never recovered from that loss of my mom and there are times even now when I would give anything to hold her hand again, feel her arms around me again, to remind me that there was even one person who loved me unconditionally, completely, despite my many flaws and problems. I have not felt God's hand in mine. I did not know Jesus Christ as a man. But I knew my earthly mother and my soul aches to be apart from her.
My son has a cold and is wound up today. My husband is being his needy asshole self. I know he wants sex and that is the furthest thing from my mind when I hurt like this. I wish I was addicted to sex instead of food. My husband would be a lot happier. I had to spend money on medicine for my daughter, who is getting dental surgery tomorrow. He's pissed about the copay for the surgery. He's pissed about spending money on a summer family pool pass. Fuck him. There, I said it. I did not get what I wanted for my birthday or mother's day or any other fucking thing, so fuck him. I'm not out spending money on any frivolous thing, so he can kiss my ever growing ass.
I'm sure he'll love when I have more prescriptions after I go to the doctor this week, too. Heaven forbid I have to see a specialist and have a double co-pay.
My mom used to tell my dad, when he would gripe about doctor and medicine copays -- I AM WORTH IT. She was right. I'm sure if my dad was alive right now, he would tell me the same thing. Mom was worth it and I am worth it.
It's not like we're flat broke.
Now my kids are bitching at each other.
I've had it.
I'm tired.
I have playing facebook games and wasting time. I'm so done. I'm done trying. I am having my pity party and I don't get to go to bed with this ever growing headache. I have to just take more pills and keep going. No wonder I'm such a fucking mess.
dea
Replies