First year after he passed

When Chris passed 4/10/07 I needed to vent (I didn't know about  FMO)  so I started a myspace page because Chris had one and I could "talk" to him. I could also talk to his friends and share emotions, that was a big heeling helper. Below are the blogs I wrote. Strange to read them now.. nothing has changed on how much I love him and  miss him soooo much, but the empty feeling comes & goes now, I am not ALWAYS sad, I don't cry ALL the time. So it does get a little easier 3yrs, 8mo & 22 days later ... but never perfect .......... 
 
Written 4/25/07
I'm only creating a myspace so i can write on Chris's space. I currently am a VERY sad person. I can't imagine living without chris, i miss him so much, it hurts so bad it's now been 15 days  I am having a hard time knowing I can never hug him again,or hear his wonderful laugh. I can't even explain the pain in my heart..this is the worst feeling ever. If it wasn't for my husband Gary and son Steven I would have no reason to live, I love them so much. And thank goodness for Dacey and Tina, I love them like they are my own, such sweet caring girls.
written 6/9/07
It has now been 2 months. It's hard to believe I have not hugged or kissed my son Chris for 2 whole months. I went from seeing him or at least talking to him everyday, to nothing. I miss him terribly. It is still hard to comprehend that he is gone. I cry for him everyday, if I hear a song, see a motorcycle, see his picture, grocery shop, see a mother with her boys, smell his aftershave "Gravity" on someone, cook chicken strips, have computer problems, think of his friends/family being sad, see south park ...everything reminds me of him. I do know there is nothing that we can do to change that he has died. This terrible empty sad feeling will stay with me for the rest of my life. They say you learn to cope; people do go on, they say the happy memories start to take over the sad memories. I look forward to that day. I couldn't go on without: My Husband Gary, if I didn't have him to lean on, I would fall. I love you. My son Steven, I am fortunate to have him, I feel for him, I'm sure I am smothering him, but he takes it, he understands, I love you. Dacey she is the daughter I didn't birth, she takes care of Steven so I don't worry AS much, she is so sweet and caring, I can talk to her. I love her. And Tina Wina, another daughter I didn't birth, she comes over almost everyday, we talk and/or cry. I believe we help each other. I know she helps me. And Chris's friends, they listen when I blabber, they help me stay connected to him. "Thinking of you is easy - I do it every day. Missing you is the heartache that never goes away...
written 1/10/08
well shit it has been 9 months now, this sucks because I will never feel whole again. I can be happy, but never REALLY happy. I cry a lot, and I love to see Steven, it makes my day (I hope he doesn’t read this because then he will think he has to come over all the time :))He is such a good son, so sweet. I am a lucky mom...I had two wonderful, funny, bright children. Unfortunately I lost one way to early, never thought I would lose a child..never ! Probably one of my biggest fears. ************************************************************************ It does make me happy to see the people I care about happy. I also like to see people enjoying and talking to their children, It upsets me when I see a parent being mean to their child I just want to go up to them and tell them to appreciate every minute that they have because it can change in a split second. ************************************************************************ I’m really having a hard time now looking at pictures of Chris as an adult, it hurts ... My heart just aches because I know it can never be the way it was. I miss so many things about him, I never want his memories to fade. ************************************************************************ The below poem was posted on Chris’s MySpace by Tina Wina my "daughter" It makes me cry .. but it so fits us *********************************************************************** Just an average family, we didn’t ask for more. Then life was changed forever, with that knock upon our door. This awful thing had happened, and none of us knew why. You were never coming back again, and we didn’t say goodbye. Our world just fell to pieces, we cried in disbelief. We had to stick together, to overcome our grief. We’ll never understand it it all seems to unfair, We wish we’d hear that knock again, and see you standing there. ******************************************************************** Think about Chris and SMILE for him.. Have a good day!
written 4/09/08
 Just an average family, we didn’t ask for more. Then life was changed forever, with that knock upon our door. This awful thing had happened, and none of us knew why. You were never coming back again, and we didn’t say goodbye. Our world just fell to pieces, we cried in disbelief. We had to stick together, to overcome our grief. We'll never understand it it all seems to unfair, We wish we'd hear that knock again, and see you standing there. ****************************** I had to start with that poem because it says it all. Tomorrow is ONE YEAR since Chris has been gone.. I can still remember that Tuesday evening the last time I saw him & hugged him. Gary and I were getting ready to go out of town on Wednesday morning and Chris came by Tuesday afternoon like he normally did after work and before school, we talked, he played darts with Gary, he ate and was leaving to go to school, I made sure to hug him as I always did when he left (I was so scared of that bike!) He said he would try to stop by tomorrow morning before we left town (he made it a point to always stop by when we were leaving just to say goodbye)***** AND then that knock on the door at 9:15pm ..Gary opens it two cops standing there "are you the parents of Chris Pease" Gary said yes, "he was in an accident and he is dead" I said are you sure it was him.. the officer held up Chris's drivers license in front of me, "is this him" ***** OH how your life can change in a split second...from happy, excited, looking forward to our vacation and no work ...to one of the WORST thing that could ever happen.***** I miss Chris so much, looking at his pictures kills me I just want to hug him and kiss him and tell him again how much I love him....***** Please think of Chris and SMILE, keeping his memory alive is all we have.