First Journal, I guess
I'm not really sure what to write, but lately I've been struggling with my anxiety pretty badly. I can barely leave my house now. I am trying to go out and do more things outside the house, but it's really hard for me. I believe I also have social anxiety, so that doesn't help. It's so hard to make friends or be social. The internet is the only place where I feel like I belong. The only place where I am "normal".
Life is freaking hard. And I constantly ask the question "Why should I have to live? I didn't ask to be born." And I honestly feel like that's a true statement. I'm not suicidal anymore, but I still ask myself that question a lot.
I wish I wasn't me. Or at least I wish the crappy mental side of me wasn't me.
Replies
Congratulations. You can stop guessing and start knowing you really did make your first journal entry.
May it lead you healing places.
A recurring theme in my own recovery is that ". . .the crappy mental side of me" is all too often where I hid my greatest strengths while I was busy surviving my crappy childhood and even crappier segway into adulthood. In retrospect, I'm glad I wasn't able to surgically remove the crappy mental side of me like I so often wished I could. Now that I have made progress in loving myself just the way I was, it is easy to see that I would have been throwing away the best of me. Some of life's greatest blessings are unanswered prayers.
Ah. I agree with Arfie-you've taken the first step towards healing. You write in a journal-it's not for anyone else, it's for you.
Social anxiety - a big word to cover all that the world of society offers. It's not about how you are with others, it's about how you 'feel' the world of society. You have confidence (yes, writing it out shows confidence!). You have the desire to make the change (to change is hard, because it's different, and means other things will change as you move more). It's not hard to make friends, it's hard to choose friends because it's part of the world society offers, and it's different from what you have in the moment now. Two sides of the same coin, different ways to look at the moment and to understand that neither side is wrong or right, just different.