First Journal Entry for me

I am sick with an RA flare, and terrible sadness.  I've had so many losses and the first anniversary of my mother's death is this Tuesday, Sept. 2.  It's been suggested that I have PTSD from all the pain of caring for my mom as she was dying.  I can still hardly go into her room. She was diagnosed in March, 2007 with stage 4 renal cancer.  A tumor on her spine broke her back.  She was in the hospital for several weeks with an operation to stabelize her back and radiation treatment.  Then she came to my home.  I'm not sure she knew she was dying, and I didn't talk to her about it until the very end because I wanted her to have hope. So here I was running up and down the stairs all day, cleaning her room, her bathroom, her.  Taking her to the bathroom, in the end changing her diapers.  She stopped remembering my name and called me "mama" or "Edna" (her sister). Then she died with us holding her as she took her last breath. I was sick for two full months, really feeling like I was dying myself.  It's been two really hard years. I lost my companion to suicide some years back...my father in 2000...my younger brother six months later...my beloved little dog (Oscar) the same year. Life is tough.