First Journal Entry

This is my first journal entry, so it may be kind of long, I have a lot to say.  About 7 years ago my grandpa was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.  It was a long, slow disease that took all the best things about him.  He was my best friend in the entire world.  From the day I was born, I spent about 4 days a week with him.  We had a bond tighter than any bond I have ever felt.   Three years ago, as my grandfather was getting significantly worse, I started dating a guy 4 years older than me.  At 16 you don't think it's that big of a deal, but when you're a virgin and all he wants is sex, it is a big deal.  Needless to say, I got trapped in a bad situation and the guy took advantage of it.  I still blame myself for putting myself in such a vulnerable situation, but I blame him for not understanding the meaning of the word "No."  I grieved the loss of my innocence for months.  Not too long after all this occured, my grandpa had to be put in a nursing home for retired veterans.  Within three weeks, he had completely forgotten who any of us were, including himself, so he stopped eating completely.  He died November 15, 2006, three days before his birthday. Since that day I have dated two other guys (John, whose birthday happened to be Nov. 18th also) and Zeke (whose birthday happened to be Nov. 15th).  Neither one of those relationships worked out because I think I was asking them to be much more than they were able to be.  I wanted them to fill that void my grandpa left, but no one was able to do that.   This year (my sophomore year in college), I began working for the rape crisis center on campus.  You would think that the setting would bother me, but it doesn't.  I'm able to build a wall between what I talk to others about and what happened to me... Maybe because I don't consider what happened to me to be rape, eventhough logically I know it was.  A weeks ago I saw the guy again.  It was the first time I had seen him in years.  I had an anxiety attack after seeing him... All those feelings came flooding back, the guilt and shame, the embarrassment, and then the loss.  But with that loss always comes my grandfather's loss.  I guess it is because they occured so close together. Right now I'm in a state of loneliness.  I have plenty of people I can turn to and talk about what's going on, but I don't feel that unconditional love from them or that simple understanding of the situation.  I need someone in my life who will understand what I'm trying to say when I can't say anything.  I know that's a lot to ask for, but I had that once with Cheryl, my high school best friend.  I could give her one look, and she would know what my heart was saying.  She lost her grandpa about two months after I did, which brought us even closer.  Sadly, college has torn us apart and I no longer have that.   That's why I joined DS.  I want to find people to support me and understand my circumstances and give me advice rather than say "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say" like my friends.  They try, but it's not enough.