first journal
this is my first journal entry. i have never written a journal entry before in my life ....so here it goes
I'm heart broken i feel like a zombie just floating around this earth my heart aches even in small moment of happiness. i fake my way through the day so my kids don't have to be indulgent of my never ending pain. i watch videos and revert to a state of shock, i almost cant breath, but i have to watch. how can you see and feel someone everyday for years and years and then just be cut off. i hold his urn in my arms thinking i will get some sort of feeling maybe surge through me to know he's there, but I'm always disappointed. i hold his clothes against me and try to remember how is warm body felt through his t shirts when i hugged him or rubbed his back. saying i loved him is and understatement we where entwine, we where 2 peoples living 1 life together. the loneliness is almost indescribable its loneliness times infinity. its a deep deep sorrow that has reached defcon 5. its out of control it consumes my heart and my chest , turns my brain off. everything seems like a grief trigger, i cant even walk past the men's deodorant in the store without welling up with tears. i stand on my back porch at night and look into the woods hoping ill somehow see him (a ghost maybe?, I'm not really sure) walking in between the trees or look at reflections in the windows and hope to see a glimpse of him (i swear i seen that in a movie somewhere). My heart is exhausted, its been 4 months and i still have no ambition to do anything my energy is still so so low. Now christmas is coming, our favorite holiday, and things are getting even weirder in my head, even sadder, even scarier. i never knew life was so scary, its literally horrifying. I feel like i want to give up, but for our children,c somehow i have to keep dragging myself around this world with a fake laugh and a fake smile and half a heart.
I'm heart broken i feel like a zombie just floating around this earth my heart aches even in small moment of happiness. i fake my way through the day so my kids don't have to be indulgent of my never ending pain. i watch videos and revert to a state of shock, i almost cant breath, but i have to watch. how can you see and feel someone everyday for years and years and then just be cut off. i hold his urn in my arms thinking i will get some sort of feeling maybe surge through me to know he's there, but I'm always disappointed. i hold his clothes against me and try to remember how is warm body felt through his t shirts when i hugged him or rubbed his back. saying i loved him is and understatement we where entwine, we where 2 peoples living 1 life together. the loneliness is almost indescribable its loneliness times infinity. its a deep deep sorrow that has reached defcon 5. its out of control it consumes my heart and my chest , turns my brain off. everything seems like a grief trigger, i cant even walk past the men's deodorant in the store without welling up with tears. i stand on my back porch at night and look into the woods hoping ill somehow see him (a ghost maybe?, I'm not really sure) walking in between the trees or look at reflections in the windows and hope to see a glimpse of him (i swear i seen that in a movie somewhere). My heart is exhausted, its been 4 months and i still have no ambition to do anything my energy is still so so low. Now christmas is coming, our favorite holiday, and things are getting even weirder in my head, even sadder, even scarier. i never knew life was so scary, its literally horrifying. I feel like i want to give up, but for our children,c somehow i have to keep dragging myself around this world with a fake laugh and a fake smile and half a heart.
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