FIRST!! (For me...)
Well, except this isn't my first journal entry, just my first here. I have my own blog which I've kept since late 1999, but it doesn't feel safe to write there after finding out the OW had stalked me in several places (maybe there... I don't know?) even though I can tighten down the settings pretty hard or make the entries login only.
I guess it's sorta like finding out your spouse had sex with the other person in your bed - it just never feels safe again, no matter what you do. *shrug*
I have missed writing. I have missed having my own place to vent and write and cheer myself on or wallow in my own miseries, but I haven't felt much like writing here. I am very scared to reveal too much for fear of being uncovered. Anonymity is the only thing that gives me license to be so open and honest here, and I don't want to lose this "safe place" since I feel like I have so few. The problem with anonymity is that we all are unique in some ways and the tiniest details could reveal you in a heartbeat.
I don't, for example, feel comfortable discussing my husband's career. I don't want to discuss our location. I can't talk about our children. The details of the other woman have to be kept very minimal. I guess in the end, it doesn't matter, but I'm not used to being so veiled. In my own blog, other than not using my husband's name, I just lay it all out there in raw, uncensored openness.
This, of course, makes it difficult at times to share my own story. Who cares about my story, though, right? Everyone here has their own equally important story and they don't need mine. Yet, I so desperately want to share it. I want to point to every scar, every open wound, every ache and pain, and say, "LOOKIE!"
I'm sure that's not healthy.
It's also not healthy (for me!) not being able to puke everything out the way I used to, but I'm not sure how to do that without potentially losing anonymity, which is the comfort blanket which allows me to even be here in the first place.
Argh. Such a catch 22.
Alright, I wrote more but I need to split this into two entries because it'll be waaay too long otherwise. Thanks for reading!
(And to myself: Thanks for writing again. I've missed it.)
I guess it's sorta like finding out your spouse had sex with the other person in your bed - it just never feels safe again, no matter what you do. *shrug*
I have missed writing. I have missed having my own place to vent and write and cheer myself on or wallow in my own miseries, but I haven't felt much like writing here. I am very scared to reveal too much for fear of being uncovered. Anonymity is the only thing that gives me license to be so open and honest here, and I don't want to lose this "safe place" since I feel like I have so few. The problem with anonymity is that we all are unique in some ways and the tiniest details could reveal you in a heartbeat.
I don't, for example, feel comfortable discussing my husband's career. I don't want to discuss our location. I can't talk about our children. The details of the other woman have to be kept very minimal. I guess in the end, it doesn't matter, but I'm not used to being so veiled. In my own blog, other than not using my husband's name, I just lay it all out there in raw, uncensored openness.
This, of course, makes it difficult at times to share my own story. Who cares about my story, though, right? Everyone here has their own equally important story and they don't need mine. Yet, I so desperately want to share it. I want to point to every scar, every open wound, every ache and pain, and say, "LOOKIE!"
I'm sure that's not healthy.
It's also not healthy (for me!) not being able to puke everything out the way I used to, but I'm not sure how to do that without potentially losing anonymity, which is the comfort blanket which allows me to even be here in the first place.
Argh. Such a catch 22.
Alright, I wrote more but I need to split this into two entries because it'll be waaay too long otherwise. Thanks for reading!
(And to myself: Thanks for writing again. I've missed it.)
Replies