First Entry, gonna be a long one!
Well, I decided to give this a try. I have several children and a disabled mother I care for. I've been an addict for probably around 12 years, although it didn't get out of control until about 9 years ago when I was sexually assaulted and lost custody of my only daughter. I had her when I was 15 and raised her on my own, with NO help from her father or his side of the family. I'd take her over there regularly so she could know that family but it was a huge mistake. For several reasons I stopped and tried to keep him away from her because of suspicion of sexual abuse. They, in turn, took me to court. He didn't want custody but his grandmother did. I still to this day have NO IDEA why that judge gave him custody. I wasn't a heavy drinker back then, had no criminal record (his is extensive, including domestic battery) and had 2 other kids I took care of. But, somehow he did get custody and then immediately left her with his grandmother to raise. He still has little to no contact with her but won't give her back to me, even though she's told them all several times she wants to live with me. I spent thousands trying to get her back, but my lawyers would drop my case after taking all the money I had. It got to the point where she finally said to stop trying because she will be 18 soon.
I was sexually assaulted twice in a year around that same time, so after I lost custody I went into full blown alcoholism. My family didn't seem to care. They said they could tell I wasn't ok mentally but it seemed to annoy them more than anything else. Even when I asked for help, I was ignored. This eventually led me to disown 3 family members and I still don't communicate with them. I just don't understand how anyone can watch another human going through those things and not get them help, but instead abandon them. Still to this day I have ZERO support from anyone in my life. They ridicule, bitch and complain about my drinking, yet not once have they offered help, suggested rehab or staged an intervention. I got to the point of telling them "I know I'm an alcoholic. Either get me help or leave me alone". They chose to leave me alone.
I can't say I'm shocked. As I sit here typing this, I seriously can't remember a time in my life where I knew I was loved except for my mother as a child. I haven't felt love from even her in several years. I'm not sure why I don't have love in my life. I'm sure the rapes and other crap I've been through cause me to push people away. I'm sure my addictions do as well. I'm not a violent drunk. In fact, most people say they can't even tell when I am drunk because I'm just as goofy and outgoing as I normally am. And, that's very true. It's the hangover and depression the next day that causes me to not get out of bed, to be grumpy or just plain exhausted. I'm sick of it but don't know how to overcome it. Like I said, I have absolutely no support system at all. My 2 sisters and brother are all addicts too. My mother is addicted to food. I really only have 2 or 3 friends, only 1 best friend, but they don't understand addiction and I have hidden mine from them because I know they won't understand that it's a disease and not a lifestyle.
I'm not your typical addict. I'm high functioning, which has allowed me to hide my addictions. I don't want to publicly admit that I'm an addict for fear of losing my other children and job. as I stated before, I'm the only one taking care of everyone and I don't get help from the kids' dad. Even if he were here, he'd be no help, just another person for me to take care of.
I was actually sober this time last year. I have quit all by myself several times. I hadn't been in a relationship where I was actually in love with my partner in about 6 years. It took me THAT long to get over my previous love. I'd been numb, not even caring to date anyone. I did try a few times, but I just didn't feel. Until last April.. I met someone I absolutely fell in love with. He was so much like me, I'd never connected with someone on that level before. I hadn't known that kind of compatibility in any of my other relationships. I fell hard and fast. He made me want to be a better person, he always had me laughing and, of course, our intimate relationship was the best I'd ever experienced in my life and the first time in years after the rapes that I could be sexual with someone while completely sober. I learned a lot about myself with him and hadn't been that happy in YEARS. But, his work schedule kept him away for long periods of time and eventually he moved on. I didn't though. I waited for him, I knew he was worth it. And now, here I am again...completely devastated. This is usually what happens to me, I'm not the girl that gets chosen. NO matter how much effort I put into someone, They choose someone else. and it's not like I'm overbearing...in fact I was relaxed with him, just going with the flow. Not trying to push anything or get anything from him besides his company. I still don't understand it but either way, I'm drinking again to cope with the massive amount of pain this has caused me. seeing who he's with now kills me. I need to learn how to deal with emotional pain without using, but I don't know how. It's not like I learned how to cope as a child, my father was mentally, physically and emotionally abusive.
I'm sure by reading this you could never tell that I have a very outgoing personality. In public I'm high energy, bubbly, confident and goofy. It's just that I'm having a dark day, everyone does at some point, right?
I've been told that writing is extremely helpful, so I decided to write this book :) we will see how therapeutic it is. I'm hopeful that I can find the help I need here. I can't afford inpatient treatment I would've done it a long time ago.
If you have any advice, please feel free to share with me. This is my first time on this site, so I don't know how it all works yet. I had tried another support site but didn't actually get any support so I'm hoping the people here are better.
I was sexually assaulted twice in a year around that same time, so after I lost custody I went into full blown alcoholism. My family didn't seem to care. They said they could tell I wasn't ok mentally but it seemed to annoy them more than anything else. Even when I asked for help, I was ignored. This eventually led me to disown 3 family members and I still don't communicate with them. I just don't understand how anyone can watch another human going through those things and not get them help, but instead abandon them. Still to this day I have ZERO support from anyone in my life. They ridicule, bitch and complain about my drinking, yet not once have they offered help, suggested rehab or staged an intervention. I got to the point of telling them "I know I'm an alcoholic. Either get me help or leave me alone". They chose to leave me alone.
I can't say I'm shocked. As I sit here typing this, I seriously can't remember a time in my life where I knew I was loved except for my mother as a child. I haven't felt love from even her in several years. I'm not sure why I don't have love in my life. I'm sure the rapes and other crap I've been through cause me to push people away. I'm sure my addictions do as well. I'm not a violent drunk. In fact, most people say they can't even tell when I am drunk because I'm just as goofy and outgoing as I normally am. And, that's very true. It's the hangover and depression the next day that causes me to not get out of bed, to be grumpy or just plain exhausted. I'm sick of it but don't know how to overcome it. Like I said, I have absolutely no support system at all. My 2 sisters and brother are all addicts too. My mother is addicted to food. I really only have 2 or 3 friends, only 1 best friend, but they don't understand addiction and I have hidden mine from them because I know they won't understand that it's a disease and not a lifestyle.
I'm not your typical addict. I'm high functioning, which has allowed me to hide my addictions. I don't want to publicly admit that I'm an addict for fear of losing my other children and job. as I stated before, I'm the only one taking care of everyone and I don't get help from the kids' dad. Even if he were here, he'd be no help, just another person for me to take care of.
I was actually sober this time last year. I have quit all by myself several times. I hadn't been in a relationship where I was actually in love with my partner in about 6 years. It took me THAT long to get over my previous love. I'd been numb, not even caring to date anyone. I did try a few times, but I just didn't feel. Until last April.. I met someone I absolutely fell in love with. He was so much like me, I'd never connected with someone on that level before. I hadn't known that kind of compatibility in any of my other relationships. I fell hard and fast. He made me want to be a better person, he always had me laughing and, of course, our intimate relationship was the best I'd ever experienced in my life and the first time in years after the rapes that I could be sexual with someone while completely sober. I learned a lot about myself with him and hadn't been that happy in YEARS. But, his work schedule kept him away for long periods of time and eventually he moved on. I didn't though. I waited for him, I knew he was worth it. And now, here I am again...completely devastated. This is usually what happens to me, I'm not the girl that gets chosen. NO matter how much effort I put into someone, They choose someone else. and it's not like I'm overbearing...in fact I was relaxed with him, just going with the flow. Not trying to push anything or get anything from him besides his company. I still don't understand it but either way, I'm drinking again to cope with the massive amount of pain this has caused me. seeing who he's with now kills me. I need to learn how to deal with emotional pain without using, but I don't know how. It's not like I learned how to cope as a child, my father was mentally, physically and emotionally abusive.
I'm sure by reading this you could never tell that I have a very outgoing personality. In public I'm high energy, bubbly, confident and goofy. It's just that I'm having a dark day, everyone does at some point, right?
I've been told that writing is extremely helpful, so I decided to write this book :) we will see how therapeutic it is. I'm hopeful that I can find the help I need here. I can't afford inpatient treatment I would've done it a long time ago.
If you have any advice, please feel free to share with me. This is my first time on this site, so I don't know how it all works yet. I had tried another support site but didn't actually get any support so I'm hoping the people here are better.
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