First Entry--and it has to be such a sad one!
Every time I rejoice in achieving "one step forward" in my codependency recovery journey, it's times like what happened this afternoon---I fall "two steps behind!"
My "guy friend" and I were talking on the phone. I had just gotten home from work and running some errands through this nerve-wracking SNOW we have! I was more than tired (I get up at 4 AM--got home about 3:30 PM!)....and just really looked forward to some Saturday afternoon relaxing "down time"....just quiet, by myself, reading books, just reveling in the quietness of a non-demanding non-work atmosphere! I've been wrestling with becoming codependent on J since we started seeing each other almost 4 years ago. Long story short, I realize that even though I'm succeeding at "baby steps" towards recognizing and loving myself and putting my own needs first, I still am enmeshed in J's approval of me!
All I think about during the day is: should I do this, or that, or will J get upset with me for not being home when he calls? I become consumed with guilt about even going to the library!
J is extremely moody--also I recognize some very real passive-aggressiveness in him. He has nothing but pure bitterness--hatred--toward his first wife (I don't blame J at all for being hurt & angry considering what Wife #1 did to him~she coldly left him, accused him of child molestation and he was forbidden by law to not see his girls for close to 3 years!) This was over 30 years ago...I knew him back then--and I knew with absolute certainty he was innocent.
Anyway, I had mentioned to J a couple days ago that I was kinda proud of myself for making strides in "letting go" of my daughter, who was serving time in prison. Years ago, I would have become undeniably codependent on my own daughter...just to have her think I was a "cool mother." I seldom said "no" to her requests to go to concerts downtown or other stay-out-late activities, because I didn't want to see, hear, or feel her wrath...her disappointment in me!
I was--and still am--so very dependent on other people's approval of me so I can then feel OK about myself. And I know that is whacked thinking---I know it's skewed, and unhealthy for me. Anyway, J subtly accused me of "stalking" and "obsessing" about the well-being and safety of my daughter in prison. Maybe years ago, that would have been a true statement.
But, after a minor "breakdown" last year, I have been delving into reading all that I can lay my hands on about codependency, and about parents of estranged children. (Both my son and daughter blame me for their father's death--my husband of 30 yrs.) I went into therapy, I journaled, I prayed. I attended Al-Anon. I recited affirmations a thousand times a day. I started a regiment of anti-depressants. After all this work, I felt that feeling of----oh, I don't know.....freedom maybe? Healing? It was SO encouraging, and I began to feel kinda OK about myself. But then, just this week, my daughter got out on parole. I just wanted to know where she would be spending parole, and for how long. It's called simple concern now--NOT obsession! I apologized to J on the phone, saying that I was very tired after a trying week at work, and not-very-good company after discovering the disturbing news that my daughter was now paroled, out of prison, and living in the city. He told me that if I'd "quit stalking her" that maybe I wouldn't be so down, so tired. Which plainly means he wasn't truly 'listening' to me the other day when I was so proud of my "letting go" work with my daughter!
J wasn't in a real nice mood over the phone, as he hates how he feels when I need a shoulder to lean on, or an ear to just listen, to talk over my problems with him concerning my daughter. He really hates her, and what she has done to me these last year. THAT bothers me. ALOT. He's never even MET her! A friend just doesn't diss your kid to your face, even if I complain about her disrespect! UGH. I just HATE making excuses for J's behavior....like he just "tuned me out" when I was telling him I was getting better about "letting Go" of being so obsessive about my daughter. Its like he never really heard me in the first place!!!
Good grief. What to do. I am so codependent on J. And--in his own weird way--he is also codependent on me.
My "guy friend" and I were talking on the phone. I had just gotten home from work and running some errands through this nerve-wracking SNOW we have! I was more than tired (I get up at 4 AM--got home about 3:30 PM!)....and just really looked forward to some Saturday afternoon relaxing "down time"....just quiet, by myself, reading books, just reveling in the quietness of a non-demanding non-work atmosphere! I've been wrestling with becoming codependent on J since we started seeing each other almost 4 years ago. Long story short, I realize that even though I'm succeeding at "baby steps" towards recognizing and loving myself and putting my own needs first, I still am enmeshed in J's approval of me!
All I think about during the day is: should I do this, or that, or will J get upset with me for not being home when he calls? I become consumed with guilt about even going to the library!
J is extremely moody--also I recognize some very real passive-aggressiveness in him. He has nothing but pure bitterness--hatred--toward his first wife (I don't blame J at all for being hurt & angry considering what Wife #1 did to him~she coldly left him, accused him of child molestation and he was forbidden by law to not see his girls for close to 3 years!) This was over 30 years ago...I knew him back then--and I knew with absolute certainty he was innocent.
Anyway, I had mentioned to J a couple days ago that I was kinda proud of myself for making strides in "letting go" of my daughter, who was serving time in prison. Years ago, I would have become undeniably codependent on my own daughter...just to have her think I was a "cool mother." I seldom said "no" to her requests to go to concerts downtown or other stay-out-late activities, because I didn't want to see, hear, or feel her wrath...her disappointment in me!
I was--and still am--so very dependent on other people's approval of me so I can then feel OK about myself. And I know that is whacked thinking---I know it's skewed, and unhealthy for me. Anyway, J subtly accused me of "stalking" and "obsessing" about the well-being and safety of my daughter in prison. Maybe years ago, that would have been a true statement.
But, after a minor "breakdown" last year, I have been delving into reading all that I can lay my hands on about codependency, and about parents of estranged children. (Both my son and daughter blame me for their father's death--my husband of 30 yrs.) I went into therapy, I journaled, I prayed. I attended Al-Anon. I recited affirmations a thousand times a day. I started a regiment of anti-depressants. After all this work, I felt that feeling of----oh, I don't know.....freedom maybe? Healing? It was SO encouraging, and I began to feel kinda OK about myself. But then, just this week, my daughter got out on parole. I just wanted to know where she would be spending parole, and for how long. It's called simple concern now--NOT obsession! I apologized to J on the phone, saying that I was very tired after a trying week at work, and not-very-good company after discovering the disturbing news that my daughter was now paroled, out of prison, and living in the city. He told me that if I'd "quit stalking her" that maybe I wouldn't be so down, so tired. Which plainly means he wasn't truly 'listening' to me the other day when I was so proud of my "letting go" work with my daughter!
J wasn't in a real nice mood over the phone, as he hates how he feels when I need a shoulder to lean on, or an ear to just listen, to talk over my problems with him concerning my daughter. He really hates her, and what she has done to me these last year. THAT bothers me. ALOT. He's never even MET her! A friend just doesn't diss your kid to your face, even if I complain about her disrespect! UGH. I just HATE making excuses for J's behavior....like he just "tuned me out" when I was telling him I was getting better about "letting Go" of being so obsessive about my daughter. Its like he never really heard me in the first place!!!
Good grief. What to do. I am so codependent on J. And--in his own weird way--he is also codependent on me.
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