First Entry after First Panic Attack June 21 2010
I found this on my work files, I wrote it on my computer when I was in Europe just after I had my first Panic Attack on a work trip. This was written on 6/21/10
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I am so exhausted. Blasted every nerve in my body. After plenty of time living full to the rim, last Sunday that wave slid over me, panic.
I’m in this hotel room now in Bilbao, Spain, waiting for my flight home. I just want to get to SFO to hug my husband. He seems so far away from me. So many miles. One hour flight, then another 9 hr. flight then another six hour flight. Which normally would be no problem, but in the state I am in, I’m just praying to the lord to be able to make it.
Haven’t eaten much in three days. Sleeps been spotty and horrible. Exhausted. My anxiety festers with me like a close friend, or lap dog that won’t leave my side. Here’s my little buddy, next to me. My body trembles, hand clammy. I just want to be home now with my husband taking care of me, a bottle of xanax, my prescription for effexor which I never should have stopped taking. Not in a million years. What was I thinking?
Didn’t sleep the last two nights, one hour tonight, and two last night. Slept for 45 minutes on the beach in Biaritz. Then another two in the lobby of this hotel where they were watching world cup soccer. Argentina and Greece. Argentina won. I slept on the grass in the sun for a while, then on the couch for a couple hours. The doorman said Buenos Noches.
The French doctor this morning whose office I stumbled into in Biaritzz was very nice and helpful. Heres some xanax and something for sleep. Cost me 4 euros, the visit was 20. Broke down in tears in the office, in broken English we spoke. She couldn’t understand me under my crying. I told her I had Panic/anxiety. She said it was not that serious and can be fixed. This shit is intense. Painful in so many ways. I’m so tired that my mind is in a million places. Fueling the anxiety ten fold. Lack of food is worse. If I eat I puke.
Now I have to get to the shuttle, its going to be a tough one this day. A little under 24 hrs until I arrive in SFO where my rehabilitation starts. I am so emotionally drained, physically, mentally, I just want to be home. That is where I am going.
_____________________
OK well I made it the first leg to Barcelona. Actually slept a few on the plane. Got to my gate area, check. Got some fruit, a crossoint, and a water. Talked to my councilor Dr Dufford. He told me I have to get simple sugars and carbs in me to keep my blood sugar going. That can’t be helping the situation. Also said, that I know it’s panic, so we know what we are dealing with here, and that it will be okay. I know I’m not going to die from this. Also he gave me some MP3 audios to download that are for breathing excersizes and calming the panic.
Man this is a motherfucker when it sneaks up on you like this. Four years with nothing, and them boom, here we go. A new one I’ve never had before it’s my body trembling, sometimes my palms get sweaty and then my body trembles. Right now Im shaking like my chocolate lab when hes cold after a bath
Just took .5mg xanax with no effects. It’s 4:52 am west coast time. I get in at 7pm that means another sixteen hours of this. Well I get a break in between. When I got on the plane I slept for about an hour. Actually I was feeling okay, in the airport nodding off in the line.
When I get back I need to swap all my stuff up. I have to start taking way better care of myself. Need to start eating right again. Get off the drinking 100percent, excersize, and get back on these meds. The effexor saved me, I really believe it did during that time. It was horrible then, constant breakdowns crying over everything. Slowly I got better. Anxiety to the hilt. This is something I will live with forever, ok I tried it without for a bit and it worked for a while but now the motherload of all panic attacks. And I had to be way over here in Paris of all places. Panic in Paris. It should be a movie.
_____________
Im so tired my eyes can’t stay open to read the screen . but my body is shaking. So throddled. Made it here to Phillie, slept on the plane, had the shaking bit odd dreams. Took another xanax, woke up with my mouth wide open breathing. So throddled. On the verge of tears now, tired, got a little protein in me, I am looking at all these travelers passing thru with ease like it’s nothing, that same person I’ve been a 1000 times on travel. Today I am barely hanging on. The mind plays these crazy games. Obsessing over things, it’s like all your random thoughts coming to a head in your head, flipping like a roll-a-dex thru the images in your head. None of it means anything.
My doctor is on vacation. The one time in two years that I need her the most, and she is away for two more weeks. I could be healed in two weeks. I should be better in a few days, but it will take a few weeks for the meds to kick back in.
---------------
I am so exhausted. Blasted every nerve in my body. After plenty of time living full to the rim, last Sunday that wave slid over me, panic.
I’m in this hotel room now in Bilbao, Spain, waiting for my flight home. I just want to get to SFO to hug my husband. He seems so far away from me. So many miles. One hour flight, then another 9 hr. flight then another six hour flight. Which normally would be no problem, but in the state I am in, I’m just praying to the lord to be able to make it.
Haven’t eaten much in three days. Sleeps been spotty and horrible. Exhausted. My anxiety festers with me like a close friend, or lap dog that won’t leave my side. Here’s my little buddy, next to me. My body trembles, hand clammy. I just want to be home now with my husband taking care of me, a bottle of xanax, my prescription for effexor which I never should have stopped taking. Not in a million years. What was I thinking?
Didn’t sleep the last two nights, one hour tonight, and two last night. Slept for 45 minutes on the beach in Biaritz. Then another two in the lobby of this hotel where they were watching world cup soccer. Argentina and Greece. Argentina won. I slept on the grass in the sun for a while, then on the couch for a couple hours. The doorman said Buenos Noches.
The French doctor this morning whose office I stumbled into in Biaritzz was very nice and helpful. Heres some xanax and something for sleep. Cost me 4 euros, the visit was 20. Broke down in tears in the office, in broken English we spoke. She couldn’t understand me under my crying. I told her I had Panic/anxiety. She said it was not that serious and can be fixed. This shit is intense. Painful in so many ways. I’m so tired that my mind is in a million places. Fueling the anxiety ten fold. Lack of food is worse. If I eat I puke.
Now I have to get to the shuttle, its going to be a tough one this day. A little under 24 hrs until I arrive in SFO where my rehabilitation starts. I am so emotionally drained, physically, mentally, I just want to be home. That is where I am going.
_____________________
OK well I made it the first leg to Barcelona. Actually slept a few on the plane. Got to my gate area, check. Got some fruit, a crossoint, and a water. Talked to my councilor Dr Dufford. He told me I have to get simple sugars and carbs in me to keep my blood sugar going. That can’t be helping the situation. Also said, that I know it’s panic, so we know what we are dealing with here, and that it will be okay. I know I’m not going to die from this. Also he gave me some MP3 audios to download that are for breathing excersizes and calming the panic.
Man this is a motherfucker when it sneaks up on you like this. Four years with nothing, and them boom, here we go. A new one I’ve never had before it’s my body trembling, sometimes my palms get sweaty and then my body trembles. Right now Im shaking like my chocolate lab when hes cold after a bath
Just took .5mg xanax with no effects. It’s 4:52 am west coast time. I get in at 7pm that means another sixteen hours of this. Well I get a break in between. When I got on the plane I slept for about an hour. Actually I was feeling okay, in the airport nodding off in the line.
When I get back I need to swap all my stuff up. I have to start taking way better care of myself. Need to start eating right again. Get off the drinking 100percent, excersize, and get back on these meds. The effexor saved me, I really believe it did during that time. It was horrible then, constant breakdowns crying over everything. Slowly I got better. Anxiety to the hilt. This is something I will live with forever, ok I tried it without for a bit and it worked for a while but now the motherload of all panic attacks. And I had to be way over here in Paris of all places. Panic in Paris. It should be a movie.
_____________
Im so tired my eyes can’t stay open to read the screen . but my body is shaking. So throddled. Made it here to Phillie, slept on the plane, had the shaking bit odd dreams. Took another xanax, woke up with my mouth wide open breathing. So throddled. On the verge of tears now, tired, got a little protein in me, I am looking at all these travelers passing thru with ease like it’s nothing, that same person I’ve been a 1000 times on travel. Today I am barely hanging on. The mind plays these crazy games. Obsessing over things, it’s like all your random thoughts coming to a head in your head, flipping like a roll-a-dex thru the images in your head. None of it means anything.
My doctor is on vacation. The one time in two years that I need her the most, and she is away for two more weeks. I could be healed in two weeks. I should be better in a few days, but it will take a few weeks for the meds to kick back in.
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