first entry

I found this site only yesterday (3/22/17) and I'm glad I did. It's hard to cultivate a support group when a) only you really understands what it feels like, 2) you can't describe it very well anyhow, 3) you are weary about trusting people. Diary's and pet therapy are one way, escapism helps for a little while ( read TV or books) but for me, I have a bad relationship with the "what if" monster. I tend to build spirals in my head of alternate scenarios from silly things, such as " what if I had better hair?" or " what if I had smooth shiny skin and didn't need to shave?" to the more serious " what if I didn't go to college".  These also reflect my abilities or perceived lack of when it comes to building and maintaining relationships and friendships. This is one area that hits me hardest when dealing with feelings of loneliness and seasonal depression. What if I'm just not meant to have closeness in my life? That there is something about me that polarizes people. It's a start writing this here, we'll see how it goes.