First entry

This is my first entry here. My husband died in December 2010. I have been preety much stunned, seeking all the help I can get from grief groups, therapist, taking an antidepressent. It all helps but nothing in my life has prepared me for the waves of utter desolation that come over me sometimes. My husband and I both worked long hours (I am a teacher) but when we were'nt working we were together. We had planned on retiring together in June. Now I am not sure if I should retire or not. I could afford it, but what to do with my time? I hope the school offers me part time work. What has sustained me so far is the knowledge that James is in Heaven and that I sometimes feel his presense here. Alos lots of phone calls from dear friends but those are slacking off as they go back to thier lives. I try to think of little things I can do for others. I am afraid of getting realy self centered in my grief. 
My stepson has his forst biological child last week - a little boy named after my husband. I have much to be grateful for but I miss the love of my life so. I used to tell him, "You are my home. When I am with you I am home." I am not suicidal but like many others out there I don't want to live on for long without him. If I had my druthers I'd finish up the business, take care of the family and dogs and then die. But God hasn't put me in charge. I try to think of all the reasons James' death was good: he didn't suffer, he is at rest, he wanted to find out how the universe worked, he loved God,  he escaped having to deal with several difficult family situations, he didn't have to deal with my death. I am clueless as to what to do with myself. Should I retire as planned? Should I dye my hair? take up knitting? join the Peace Corps? I really am lost. I'm glad I found this site.  Love to all, E.B.