First Entry

I know I'm doing everything I can to try and feel better. But I just keep getting frustrated. My story is like this,
The day I found this message board was on June 20th, 2010. I was in Paris on a work trip, and I had a panic attack while sitting in a Cafe next to the Lourve. I've had a history with anxiety and depression so I knew exactly what it was.  I had to run to the bathroom with diahreeah and became nauseous. Textbook. 
I Tried to play it off like it was just food poisoning, but as the trip wore on it became apparent that is wasn't. IT was my friend anxiety rearing it's ugly head. I ended up leaving the trip early and coming home.
Rewind, I went thru a really tough time in 2006, and before that in 2001-2003 with anxiety. I Saw councilors and doctors. Nothing gave. I've had an amazing childhood, no history of this condition i my family. Nothing really that explained anything. In 2001 I felt the lowest of lows, the worst depression and the first time.  I went on Prozac and it helped me a lot. I went off of it eight months later. 
I became depressed again and went back on it but I couldn't deal with some of the side effects this time. I tried a few other ones, I guess this was in 2002, and same thing with side effects. I went from doctor to doctor, thought something was physically wrong with me. I had tests from Stanford to Boston...but it was nothing. I finally got so frustrated I stopped thinking about it and dealt. I always had a low level of anxiety in me and some depression.
I never felt/feel suicidal. But sometimes I think if i did die, it would be okay. I hate to even admit that, it is something i would NEVER act on, but there are these days I feel that uncomfortable with anxiety.
Then on christmas day 2005, my now husband, then boyfriend, asked me to marry him. I completely freaked out. I became really anxious, going thru all the what if's in my mind of getting married, wasn't ready for marriage at the time. Felt guilt, fear he would leave but I loved him, etc.  by Feb. 2006 I was in full blown anxiety/depression mode and my doctor put me on Effexor XR. I started to see a councilor. IT was a rough couple of months but by April I was better. I stopped seeing the councilor in Sept, and then stayed on the meds.
I did really well on Effexor for a long time other than Insomnia in the beginning. I really felt at the time it saved my life, now looking back. It gave me my life back, I started doing more things again, slowly. I bought a Harley, then another, traveled the world, kicked ass in my job, climbed up the later! Partied with the best of them (no drugs, just drinking a lot). I married my boyfriend last summer, rode my motorcycle all around the west coast, to mexico and back.
Then about a year and 1/2 ago, I figured I would try and go off the Effexor. I cut my dose in half with permission of my doctor. I did the half for about a year, then i cut that in half. No problems.  
Guess what, by the time I was in Paris in June of this year, I was just about 100% off of it, and everything came rushing back. Panic/anxiety, and here I am again.
Now I'm trying to go back on it. The insmonia is back, I know my body is just getting used to it, but its really e-fing hard. I'm crying a lot. I feel like there is an elephant standing on my chest at all times. The depression comes in waves. I'm ok at faking it, but i've missed work a couple times in the last two weeks. 
I'm on day 13 of 75mg of effexor, and just praying and hoping this will work again for me.Along with other things I've added to my life like excersizing 30 minutes a day 4-5 times a week, eating healthy, cut out caffine & alcohol 100%, listening to relaxation MP3, and taking it easy. I'm also seeing a councilor again. I know there is no quick fix, but I'm not going to lie, the last month or so, and 13 days specifically have been hell. 
My family doc prescribed the effexor and xanax as needed ambien for sleep. But I'm also giong to see psychiatrist on monday. I don't know, maybe for a second opinion, but I hope it doesn't confuse things more. I know i need to give it time, it's not going to happen over night, but I WILL get thru this. Everyone I've talked to who has gone thru it says the same thing. YOU WILL GET THRU THIS. I've done it before, I can do it again. And after I do get thru it, everything else in life will seem really really easy.
I've felt the lowest of lows, and the anxiety is sometimes literally painful. I don't want to be on drugs, I hate it, but sometimes I feel like it is something chemically in me that is unbalanced
I am really just hoping for some support here. IT helps to talk to people who have been thru it and are getting thru it.