First day on DailyStrength
I've decided to come to the site hoping someone will have some answers for me. Generally I feel lost in life with no way of escaping. I grew up fairly poor with parents who hated each other and a brother who found beating me up daily the most fun thing he could possibly do. Throughout life I've been forced to do what others make me and having my dreams crushed or made fun of by those who should love and support me no matter what I do.
The only way I can paint a clear picture is to start from the beginning in hopes to explain my situation from childhood until now... So I'll begin with something I've never let go of in over 15 years.
Before I get to that, something else is important... I was shot in the eye when I was in the 5th grade. Prior to that I was already bullied daily and after, people became even crueler to me. So in this next part, finding a person who took genuine interest in me and found me attractive meant the world to me and this was before I even knew what sex was!
Back when I was in middle school I was pretty clueless. My parents had nothing to do with me and my brother was my worst enemy and biggest bully. In school I was always picked last, shoved down the hallways, made fun of for my lack of knowledge in things like sex, drugs, and other adult things. My entire life has been one giant struggle against evil people trying to bring me down, even my own family and that hasn't changed much to this day. My parents are pretty racist, gay-haters. My father literately didn't do a single thing with me or my brother during our childhood. My mother treated me more like a pet than a human being. But my first 'relationship' in middle school was with a black girl. Her name is Evon and she had a genuine love for me. I've never experienced a girl actually wanting me again in my life since that year. We spent a lot of time together in school and she really made me feel positive and got me to do fun things instead of sit in my room all the time. Sadly, she's black... and my parents were/are racist. I tried to ask them what they would think if I dated a black girl and they went off on me, threatening to whip my ass with the belt and give me over to the boys’ home. This was the typical threat from my parents, tossing us out of the house to strangers and beating us with a leather belt. So I had to tell her that there was no way we could ever take this further because my parents are racists and would disown me for dating her. That damaged my mentality permanently... So from then on I'd never consider dating a girl that wasn't white. How do you do that to your child...? Deny them happiness because you are a racist bigot... This is an unforgiveable act of cruelty
Next big event, my parents get divorced. I can understand why, they hated each other and fought daily in front of us. My mom loves to blow money without care for how much is left or coming in, my dad is selfish and still wants to live like he's 20. Neither of them would consider their children’s future first. So my mom ran out on us and moved here to NC with a drunk who beat her every time I came to visit. She constantly blamed me and my brother for the divorce in her own passive aggressive way ("I just tried to make you all happy but you just wanted to ruin my life" Yes, she tells me that still to this day) So I refused to go with my mom into another state where I knew no one to stay with her tailor park drunkard new boyfriend. The truth to all this is my grandmother moved away after my aunt was murdered and took all of her wealth with her... My mom didn't want my uncle to get first dibs on the family fortune. My mother will say differently but it's all too conveniently timed to ignore the facts. Either way my dad is an ass and I don't blame her for leaving, but I do blame her for abandoning her children to chase money and trying to put the blame on everyone but herself.
During the years before and after the divorce I had one really good friend... But things got weird there too. I had my first experience with marijuana and sex at a very young age. I was totally clueless as to what I was doing, my parents hadn't raised me much at all so I didn't even know what sex, drugs, alcohol, and whatever else is. So it wasn't long before he was making moves on me and trying to get sex out of me. I went along with it because I literately didn't know any better or even understand what was going on beyond it feeling good. I'd get drunk, smoke weed, and get pounded on by a guy at age 12... My parents were divorced by age 13 and for the next few years I spent most of my time with this boy. I had no one else who enjoyed having me around or that made me feel good, mentally or physically. This all came to an end eventually, he decided everything he had done to me was wrong and disgusting. He expressed how disgusting it all was many times and then would still try to get into my pants. Eventually I couldn't take the verbal abuse followed by a contradicting act so I made myself avoid him.
I never got over it. I enjoyed being the submissive one and having someone want me. I like being hit on and things like that... I've tried dating girls but they all make me put in all the effort, take everything they can get, then kick me to the curb once someone with more money/drugs/dick/coolness shows up. I find it very hard to believe someone cares for me when they're willing to so easily abandon me for the next fat payday person. At this point in my life I don't even attempt to hook up with anyone. I won't even let myself consider it for a second. I know I'm ugly and I know I'm not Mr.Cool#1AzzKicker so why bother. I've only met one person who had a genuine interest in me and that was a long time ago. I refuse to put all my effort into a person who doesn't even attempt to return it.
So after this guy kicked me to the curb I basically began taking a lot of drugs and drinking as much as possible in an attempt to kill myself. I took handfuls of Xanax and chugged vodka bottles in front of crowds at parties, literately trying to commit suicide in front of a ton of people at various locations and different times. Not one single person tried to stop me or even got concerned about what I was doing. People literately didn't care if I ODed right in front of them.
My life was a series of depressing days and suicide attempts with no one providing the slightest bit of support or concern. Then I discovered LSD and it changed everything. Even to this day I still take LSD occasionally to help remind myself I'm not the evil one, nothing is wrong with me, people have done this to me and are continuing to do it to me. I know many people will have a serious issue with what I just wrote but in my case it's the truth and I don't recommend it to others. All of my life up until I took LSD I thought I was seriously flawed and the only answer was to kill myself because I could never be cruel like normal people so there was no point in life for me. How messed up is that? I didn't want to be a bully, steal, cheat, lie to girls to get with them, care more about my wallet than a person's well-being, I just generally wanted to be kind and caring for others but people made me feel like I was horribly broken for being that way. That is how terrible our society is, that a person like me wants to kill themselves because I can't be evil enough to fit in with 'normal' people. After taking LSD I realized how beautiful life, nature, the stars... everything in the universe is, but at the same time how awful and misguided human beings are. Life in glorious, it is people who make it ugly and destructive.
Still, after figuring all of this out... I'm helpless to escape it. I can't find a way to get away from these people who bring me down or escape to an area of the US that I can really be myself without worry of being beaten or losing a job... being thrown out by family into the streets.. Every aspect of my life to this day is controlled by someone else, or at least influenced by them. Each day there's something new and while it's not life threatening I've dealt with mental abuse my entire life so experiencing the same mental abuse over 27 years and still dealing with it daily is more than difficult.
Where am I now? I live in NC with my mother because my dad threw me out for not paying him rent to live in his tiny house where I had no freedom at all. He didn't understand I wasn't going to pay 200$ a month to live there and not be able to cook my own food, store things in the fridge/freezer, have friends/girlfriends come by.. Not to mention he's racist and a gay-basher so I can only have straight white friends over if it were even allowed. So I came to NC to visit with my grandmother during her last days and I found a job online while I was here... Dad just told me to not come back and began repurposing my room.
So now I'm staying at my mom's house with my step-day and they do generally help me out more than my father ever would imagine doing. But I have zero privacy now, my mom and step-dad are both racist/gay-bashers and very unsupportive of anything I want to do. I live in the hood, drunks and homeless often walk in front of my house. I rarely go outside because if I do someone sketchy will come up trying to get something from me and I've had one to many close calls with death to risk involving myself with violent people anymore. I don't have any friends here and no one has been very open to hanging out with me in the 3 years I've stayed here. I'm going to college but I have no idea what I'm doing there and no one has a clue what to tell me about it. The only reason I'm even going is because I was forced to, just like everything in my life... I'm doing something I don't want to because if I don't I'll be tossed into the streets to starve. Soon I'll be forced to take on a full time job plus all my college classes because my parents just think that's what I should do. There's nothing I can do to make them understand just how difficult all that is for me and how college is a giant waste of time if I take the wrong classes towards the wrong degree. I can't hold a job because, just like everywhere I go, people attack me. I've never worked somewhere that I wasn't bullied or treated like an animal. The last job I had I tried to OD instead of quitting it because my parents put so much pressure on me to keep that job and I was being treated like a piece of trash by the people I had to work with. I tried to kill myself instead of leaving a job!!!!!! That is how insane my family is, but I can't get away from them.
I'm now at the point in my life where I have a lot I want to talk about that I've never been able to speak of. I want to be myself and be happy with what I'm doing. I need to express myself and find what makes me most comfortable. I'm tired of living with these people that refuse to resolve issues from the past and oppress me from doing what I dream to do. I can't speak my mind, I can't buy clothes I want, I can't listen to my music, I don't have anyone to hang out with, there's just too much to even list.
Don't get me wrong here, my family does care for me and they do try to help but they just don't understand what's even going on nor would they care to hear it. I can't even talk to my parents about these things because A) they'd toss me out B) Laugh in my face C) Refuse to acknowledge their part in it
I'm sick and tired of dealing with these people who make me feel like a bad person when all I want to do is make others happy and feel comfortable in my daily life. Live and Love are the most important things in existence, without life we don't exist, without love we have no reason to exist. I'm done with worrying how others will judge me or look down on me. I'm not a hateful or prejudice person, why are these people forcing their hate and prejudice into my life? I have nowhere to go to escape it... and if my true feelings came out, I'd be kicked into the streets and disowned in a heartbeat. I can't hold a job or make over minimum wage anywhere I've applied so there's no hope of me getting enough money to get out of here on my own. Even if I were to make enough money, where would I go? Everywhere I step is full of hateful, cruel people who only want to be violent and hurt others for their own profit.
I've found out that if I didn't have to worry about how others think of me or what they hold over my head to make me do all this mess I'd rather not do, then my life would be golden.
Doctors have tried to put me on several SSRI (Which made me plot to murder my family extensively, I don't recommend SSRI treatments ever). I've been to consolers, therapists, psychologists, you name it I've wasted the money on it. Nothing works, because those don't treated the real problem... I am a loving, caring person and I did that on my own in the face of a lot of abuse, hatred, alienation, and a slew of other negative things that should have ruined me or turned me into a killer. Yet, every day as I go through life I am oppressed and taken advantage of by others, many of whom would say they are good people.
If we don't stop being mean to each other and trying to tell others how to live life and be happy, we're all going to die on this rock and the human race will have no future. If I'm not causing harm to others and doing everything I can to make others happier, then why are you stopping me? Why are you hurting me? Why are you trying to ruin my happiness?
It's time we got over trying to dictate the lives and happiness of others based on our own opinions or some book written 20,000+ years ago. If "God" has a problem with the way it made my life and how I turned out in it, then let it come here itself and tell me.
I promise you I will love you and be your friend forever. My love is infinite and everlasting because I am here and I exist. Because I have existed and expressed my love it is eternal. I promise I will always care for your well-being and do everything within my power to make you happy while providing everything you will need to sustain a positive experience. I will help developed technology that will provide us all with unlimited food, power, shelter, and all resources so we will not have to be greedy or fight over these things. I will never let you come to harm and I will stop all that wish to harm life or impede on free love.
Yet, I am no god... I'm just a person.
A very lonely, depressed, anxious person whom you will never know and you will abandon, but I will always be with you, make you happy, give you comfort and care for you no matter who you are or where you go.
I hope reading this gave you something positive.
The only way I can paint a clear picture is to start from the beginning in hopes to explain my situation from childhood until now... So I'll begin with something I've never let go of in over 15 years.
Before I get to that, something else is important... I was shot in the eye when I was in the 5th grade. Prior to that I was already bullied daily and after, people became even crueler to me. So in this next part, finding a person who took genuine interest in me and found me attractive meant the world to me and this was before I even knew what sex was!
Back when I was in middle school I was pretty clueless. My parents had nothing to do with me and my brother was my worst enemy and biggest bully. In school I was always picked last, shoved down the hallways, made fun of for my lack of knowledge in things like sex, drugs, and other adult things. My entire life has been one giant struggle against evil people trying to bring me down, even my own family and that hasn't changed much to this day. My parents are pretty racist, gay-haters. My father literately didn't do a single thing with me or my brother during our childhood. My mother treated me more like a pet than a human being. But my first 'relationship' in middle school was with a black girl. Her name is Evon and she had a genuine love for me. I've never experienced a girl actually wanting me again in my life since that year. We spent a lot of time together in school and she really made me feel positive and got me to do fun things instead of sit in my room all the time. Sadly, she's black... and my parents were/are racist. I tried to ask them what they would think if I dated a black girl and they went off on me, threatening to whip my ass with the belt and give me over to the boys’ home. This was the typical threat from my parents, tossing us out of the house to strangers and beating us with a leather belt. So I had to tell her that there was no way we could ever take this further because my parents are racists and would disown me for dating her. That damaged my mentality permanently... So from then on I'd never consider dating a girl that wasn't white. How do you do that to your child...? Deny them happiness because you are a racist bigot... This is an unforgiveable act of cruelty
Next big event, my parents get divorced. I can understand why, they hated each other and fought daily in front of us. My mom loves to blow money without care for how much is left or coming in, my dad is selfish and still wants to live like he's 20. Neither of them would consider their children’s future first. So my mom ran out on us and moved here to NC with a drunk who beat her every time I came to visit. She constantly blamed me and my brother for the divorce in her own passive aggressive way ("I just tried to make you all happy but you just wanted to ruin my life" Yes, she tells me that still to this day) So I refused to go with my mom into another state where I knew no one to stay with her tailor park drunkard new boyfriend. The truth to all this is my grandmother moved away after my aunt was murdered and took all of her wealth with her... My mom didn't want my uncle to get first dibs on the family fortune. My mother will say differently but it's all too conveniently timed to ignore the facts. Either way my dad is an ass and I don't blame her for leaving, but I do blame her for abandoning her children to chase money and trying to put the blame on everyone but herself.
During the years before and after the divorce I had one really good friend... But things got weird there too. I had my first experience with marijuana and sex at a very young age. I was totally clueless as to what I was doing, my parents hadn't raised me much at all so I didn't even know what sex, drugs, alcohol, and whatever else is. So it wasn't long before he was making moves on me and trying to get sex out of me. I went along with it because I literately didn't know any better or even understand what was going on beyond it feeling good. I'd get drunk, smoke weed, and get pounded on by a guy at age 12... My parents were divorced by age 13 and for the next few years I spent most of my time with this boy. I had no one else who enjoyed having me around or that made me feel good, mentally or physically. This all came to an end eventually, he decided everything he had done to me was wrong and disgusting. He expressed how disgusting it all was many times and then would still try to get into my pants. Eventually I couldn't take the verbal abuse followed by a contradicting act so I made myself avoid him.
I never got over it. I enjoyed being the submissive one and having someone want me. I like being hit on and things like that... I've tried dating girls but they all make me put in all the effort, take everything they can get, then kick me to the curb once someone with more money/drugs/dick/coolness shows up. I find it very hard to believe someone cares for me when they're willing to so easily abandon me for the next fat payday person. At this point in my life I don't even attempt to hook up with anyone. I won't even let myself consider it for a second. I know I'm ugly and I know I'm not Mr.Cool#1AzzKicker so why bother. I've only met one person who had a genuine interest in me and that was a long time ago. I refuse to put all my effort into a person who doesn't even attempt to return it.
So after this guy kicked me to the curb I basically began taking a lot of drugs and drinking as much as possible in an attempt to kill myself. I took handfuls of Xanax and chugged vodka bottles in front of crowds at parties, literately trying to commit suicide in front of a ton of people at various locations and different times. Not one single person tried to stop me or even got concerned about what I was doing. People literately didn't care if I ODed right in front of them.
My life was a series of depressing days and suicide attempts with no one providing the slightest bit of support or concern. Then I discovered LSD and it changed everything. Even to this day I still take LSD occasionally to help remind myself I'm not the evil one, nothing is wrong with me, people have done this to me and are continuing to do it to me. I know many people will have a serious issue with what I just wrote but in my case it's the truth and I don't recommend it to others. All of my life up until I took LSD I thought I was seriously flawed and the only answer was to kill myself because I could never be cruel like normal people so there was no point in life for me. How messed up is that? I didn't want to be a bully, steal, cheat, lie to girls to get with them, care more about my wallet than a person's well-being, I just generally wanted to be kind and caring for others but people made me feel like I was horribly broken for being that way. That is how terrible our society is, that a person like me wants to kill themselves because I can't be evil enough to fit in with 'normal' people. After taking LSD I realized how beautiful life, nature, the stars... everything in the universe is, but at the same time how awful and misguided human beings are. Life in glorious, it is people who make it ugly and destructive.
Still, after figuring all of this out... I'm helpless to escape it. I can't find a way to get away from these people who bring me down or escape to an area of the US that I can really be myself without worry of being beaten or losing a job... being thrown out by family into the streets.. Every aspect of my life to this day is controlled by someone else, or at least influenced by them. Each day there's something new and while it's not life threatening I've dealt with mental abuse my entire life so experiencing the same mental abuse over 27 years and still dealing with it daily is more than difficult.
Where am I now? I live in NC with my mother because my dad threw me out for not paying him rent to live in his tiny house where I had no freedom at all. He didn't understand I wasn't going to pay 200$ a month to live there and not be able to cook my own food, store things in the fridge/freezer, have friends/girlfriends come by.. Not to mention he's racist and a gay-basher so I can only have straight white friends over if it were even allowed. So I came to NC to visit with my grandmother during her last days and I found a job online while I was here... Dad just told me to not come back and began repurposing my room.
So now I'm staying at my mom's house with my step-day and they do generally help me out more than my father ever would imagine doing. But I have zero privacy now, my mom and step-dad are both racist/gay-bashers and very unsupportive of anything I want to do. I live in the hood, drunks and homeless often walk in front of my house. I rarely go outside because if I do someone sketchy will come up trying to get something from me and I've had one to many close calls with death to risk involving myself with violent people anymore. I don't have any friends here and no one has been very open to hanging out with me in the 3 years I've stayed here. I'm going to college but I have no idea what I'm doing there and no one has a clue what to tell me about it. The only reason I'm even going is because I was forced to, just like everything in my life... I'm doing something I don't want to because if I don't I'll be tossed into the streets to starve. Soon I'll be forced to take on a full time job plus all my college classes because my parents just think that's what I should do. There's nothing I can do to make them understand just how difficult all that is for me and how college is a giant waste of time if I take the wrong classes towards the wrong degree. I can't hold a job because, just like everywhere I go, people attack me. I've never worked somewhere that I wasn't bullied or treated like an animal. The last job I had I tried to OD instead of quitting it because my parents put so much pressure on me to keep that job and I was being treated like a piece of trash by the people I had to work with. I tried to kill myself instead of leaving a job!!!!!! That is how insane my family is, but I can't get away from them.
I'm now at the point in my life where I have a lot I want to talk about that I've never been able to speak of. I want to be myself and be happy with what I'm doing. I need to express myself and find what makes me most comfortable. I'm tired of living with these people that refuse to resolve issues from the past and oppress me from doing what I dream to do. I can't speak my mind, I can't buy clothes I want, I can't listen to my music, I don't have anyone to hang out with, there's just too much to even list.
Don't get me wrong here, my family does care for me and they do try to help but they just don't understand what's even going on nor would they care to hear it. I can't even talk to my parents about these things because A) they'd toss me out B) Laugh in my face C) Refuse to acknowledge their part in it
I'm sick and tired of dealing with these people who make me feel like a bad person when all I want to do is make others happy and feel comfortable in my daily life. Live and Love are the most important things in existence, without life we don't exist, without love we have no reason to exist. I'm done with worrying how others will judge me or look down on me. I'm not a hateful or prejudice person, why are these people forcing their hate and prejudice into my life? I have nowhere to go to escape it... and if my true feelings came out, I'd be kicked into the streets and disowned in a heartbeat. I can't hold a job or make over minimum wage anywhere I've applied so there's no hope of me getting enough money to get out of here on my own. Even if I were to make enough money, where would I go? Everywhere I step is full of hateful, cruel people who only want to be violent and hurt others for their own profit.
I've found out that if I didn't have to worry about how others think of me or what they hold over my head to make me do all this mess I'd rather not do, then my life would be golden.
Doctors have tried to put me on several SSRI (Which made me plot to murder my family extensively, I don't recommend SSRI treatments ever). I've been to consolers, therapists, psychologists, you name it I've wasted the money on it. Nothing works, because those don't treated the real problem... I am a loving, caring person and I did that on my own in the face of a lot of abuse, hatred, alienation, and a slew of other negative things that should have ruined me or turned me into a killer. Yet, every day as I go through life I am oppressed and taken advantage of by others, many of whom would say they are good people.
If we don't stop being mean to each other and trying to tell others how to live life and be happy, we're all going to die on this rock and the human race will have no future. If I'm not causing harm to others and doing everything I can to make others happier, then why are you stopping me? Why are you hurting me? Why are you trying to ruin my happiness?
It's time we got over trying to dictate the lives and happiness of others based on our own opinions or some book written 20,000+ years ago. If "God" has a problem with the way it made my life and how I turned out in it, then let it come here itself and tell me.
I promise you I will love you and be your friend forever. My love is infinite and everlasting because I am here and I exist. Because I have existed and expressed my love it is eternal. I promise I will always care for your well-being and do everything within my power to make you happy while providing everything you will need to sustain a positive experience. I will help developed technology that will provide us all with unlimited food, power, shelter, and all resources so we will not have to be greedy or fight over these things. I will never let you come to harm and I will stop all that wish to harm life or impede on free love.
Yet, I am no god... I'm just a person.
A very lonely, depressed, anxious person whom you will never know and you will abandon, but I will always be with you, make you happy, give you comfort and care for you no matter who you are or where you go.
I hope reading this gave you something positive.
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