First Day-New Routines

Today was my first day back at work since he passed. My alarm went off at 6am as usual. The typical morning would have me rolling over and cuddling with him until my second alarm goes off at 6:30am. This morning I rolled over and loked at the empty space next to me. I took a deep breath and made my way out of bed. I made a cup of coffee and brought it back to the bedroom and again looked at the empty space. He should be there, still sleeping and I should be placing his cup of coffee on his nightstand, kissing his forehead and telling him it’s time to wake up. Instead I sat at my vanity and started getting ready. I kept looking in to my mirror, expecting to see the reflection of him in the distance shaving over the bathroom sink, brushing his teeth and doing his hair. Usually, when he would see me peeking at him he would stop what he was doing, pose in the bathroom mirror and say "Damn, I am sexy". This would always make me laugh and I would agree with him. This day the only reflection in my mirror was me. I kept staring at myself; I don't recognize myself anymore. Without him I don’t quite know who I am. After getting dressed I got together my belongings and headed out the door. I stopped at my car and began crying. We drove in to work together every day. Knowing that I would have to make that ride alone was almost paralyzing. I took another deep breath and drove away. I talked to him the entire drive, crying at moments, laughing at others. Again, I kept glancing at the empty space next to me. I knew once I got to the office I would be busy; 2 weeks’ worth of work to catch up on. I was hoping I would be so consumed with work I wouldn't have the time to think about him, but I kept glancing at my phone waiting for his usual morning text telling me he loved me. Around noon, I looked at my phone again. He would usually text me asking what my day looked like and whether I had time to have lunch with him. Today, I didn’t eat lunch. As 5pm approached I became increasingly anxious. Knowing that I wouldn't be picking him up from work today made me angry. I felt cheated. What do I have to look forward to at the end of the day, if not being home with him. I thought about working late today, delaying the inevitable, but I have a dog to get home to. I got in my car, looked at the empty space next to me and again cried. I called my mother on the way home to distract me. As soon as I opened my front door I was pounced on by my 65lb Boxer pup. This was the first time I smiled today.  Thank god I have him.  As I settled in the house I started thinking of our normal routine; changing out of our work clothes, taking the dog for a walk, cooking dinner together, and finally ending in the bedroom cuddling while watching TV until we fall asleep. I loved our life together. The day to day routine of our life was full of love and completely fulfilling. I don't know what I have to look forward to anymore. 5 years of there being an us, I don’t know how to live my life by myself. Becoming lost in your significant other is such a beautiful curse. I know I can't continue to live in a state of distress and lament for what we had together. I have to create new routines, new experiences and try and find some joy within myself. This is my first goal.