First Day Back

Today was my first day back at work since the 'event'.  It's been 5 weeks and I firstly have to say the organisation that I work for has gone above and beyond in their support for me and my family in the time since.  I have worked for them for over 10 years and I remember thinking (on the dat it happened) how much I actually loved working for this company.  I thought that I loved that we are like a family, and like real families you don't always get a long but they are still family.  That thought made me feel happy and proud to be a part of the organisation, then bam(!) 15 mins later I get the phone call that changed my life.  

I was so worried about what people would be thinking seeing me back, who would be the ones to welcome me back and who would be the ones to distance themselves.   So far everyone has been welcoming, but that still wasn't enough to stop the anxiety or the quite tears.  I was told that if I at any point felt I needed to leave that would be completely ok.  But as I was working only a ½ day I didn't feel right leaving. 

I stuck it out, I made it through.  It did illustrate to me that I do need to see a psychologist more than I think I do.  I did call to make an appointment but they were closed today, there is always tomorrow.

I have enough insight to know that part of my issues is the grief around loosing my old life, dealing with the whole mass of this and Covid19 and strain on finances.... 

Emotionally I don't feel 'ok'.  I have to get better at saying 'I'm not ok'.  It's ok to be not ok.  I know I'll be ok but only if I do the right things now.  Lets see how  tomorrow  goes.