First Bible Study
So I haven't been online much lately because our internet connection is being a pain in the butt. I'll probably end up backlogging one of my entries as I wrote it offline while sleeping in my car with my cats and dog after my mum decided to tell me my cats were just animals and that I was a stupid f***ing c***, and to stay away from my sister as I'm a bad influence because I take medication to deal with my depression and I had a "crazy" day. Words I hear all too often. By the way, my crazy day included a lot of singing, a couple hours sleeping and a couple of little teary moments. But I'm not really bothered about it now. It was actually like a camping trip, except for the first 30 minutes where i did some serious crying.
The next night mum told me I was an idiot (again) and that I should just stop with my stupid morals and get on with it: in other words, go out and lose your virginity cause it ain't that special. I should pick a man 35 or over, and hey even a 60 year old is okay to her, because no one is going to sit around waiting to buy the goods when they can sample them for free -_-
So the next morning I'd had enough. I rang the local Baptist Church, asked about session times and decided I would definitely be attending the 6.30pm meeting. It was good. The topic was when God doesn't make sense and it was a lot about Abraham and the promises God had made him. One promise in particular meant Abraham had to wait 35 years, the promise that his wife Sarah would bore him a son named Isaac. I cried during the talk because I know I couldn't have made the decision that Abraham had to when God asked him to sacrifice his only son. I couldn't have sacrificed my cat, let alone a child. Hopefully God will never ask this of me, cause unfortunately He'll be getting told that I just can't do it.
After the session I was introduced to all the young adults, and made good friends with one girl in particular named Sarah. She said they were all going to McDonalds afterwards and would I like to come. So I did. I sat with Sarah and her boyfriend, Peter, until they left and then I asked if I could sit with another group of them. So that night was pretty good. I mean I felt like I mattered, like I had friends. So I was happy and went home feeling like life was awesome, God was great, and I was the luckiest girl alive.
Tonight seemed like a totally different night though. I arrived for Bible Study and although Andy said hello to me, no one else bothered to. I cried in the discussion that the girls held, because I felt inadequate and out of place. And then at the farewell stage where we were having snacks, I stood there like a total dork and no one approached me to make me feel welcome and like I belonged. I was able to finally strike up a conversation with Scott, but it didn't last long, and I just was left feeling like an outcast. Throughout this whole week I know they will be growing in God and enjoying each other's company and all I have is myself. It is lonely here, and very secluded. I just wish I was part of what all the other young adults seem to be involved in. Instead I'm left by myself. I read the Bible, I have questions, but no one to answer the questions. I'm alone, whereas I'm supposed to feel like I'm part of the Baptist Church family. It's like being at school all over again, like I'm the new kid and everyone's already got their own group of friends and there's no place for me.
I'm... in the way. I feel selfish, but I know if I were one of those people who belonged to a group I'd go out of my way to ensure that a new member felt included. I guess all I can do is pray and bring it up with the pastors.
The next night mum told me I was an idiot (again) and that I should just stop with my stupid morals and get on with it: in other words, go out and lose your virginity cause it ain't that special. I should pick a man 35 or over, and hey even a 60 year old is okay to her, because no one is going to sit around waiting to buy the goods when they can sample them for free -_-
So the next morning I'd had enough. I rang the local Baptist Church, asked about session times and decided I would definitely be attending the 6.30pm meeting. It was good. The topic was when God doesn't make sense and it was a lot about Abraham and the promises God had made him. One promise in particular meant Abraham had to wait 35 years, the promise that his wife Sarah would bore him a son named Isaac. I cried during the talk because I know I couldn't have made the decision that Abraham had to when God asked him to sacrifice his only son. I couldn't have sacrificed my cat, let alone a child. Hopefully God will never ask this of me, cause unfortunately He'll be getting told that I just can't do it.
After the session I was introduced to all the young adults, and made good friends with one girl in particular named Sarah. She said they were all going to McDonalds afterwards and would I like to come. So I did. I sat with Sarah and her boyfriend, Peter, until they left and then I asked if I could sit with another group of them. So that night was pretty good. I mean I felt like I mattered, like I had friends. So I was happy and went home feeling like life was awesome, God was great, and I was the luckiest girl alive.
Tonight seemed like a totally different night though. I arrived for Bible Study and although Andy said hello to me, no one else bothered to. I cried in the discussion that the girls held, because I felt inadequate and out of place. And then at the farewell stage where we were having snacks, I stood there like a total dork and no one approached me to make me feel welcome and like I belonged. I was able to finally strike up a conversation with Scott, but it didn't last long, and I just was left feeling like an outcast. Throughout this whole week I know they will be growing in God and enjoying each other's company and all I have is myself. It is lonely here, and very secluded. I just wish I was part of what all the other young adults seem to be involved in. Instead I'm left by myself. I read the Bible, I have questions, but no one to answer the questions. I'm alone, whereas I'm supposed to feel like I'm part of the Baptist Church family. It's like being at school all over again, like I'm the new kid and everyone's already got their own group of friends and there's no place for me.
I'm... in the way. I feel selfish, but I know if I were one of those people who belonged to a group I'd go out of my way to ensure that a new member felt included. I guess all I can do is pray and bring it up with the pastors.
Replies