First Anniversary
Well, it has been since Christmas, 2010 since I have written a journal entry. I feel as though I have forgotten how to put my thoughts in writing, although the Good Lord knows that my head has been chock full of them through these past six months. Moving to Texas, beginning a new chapter in my life with Elizabeth, and my sulking and hurt feelings regarding Daily Strength have kept me away from the exercise of sharing my thoughts on a regular basis. Quite honestly, I have missed the camaraderie of DS along with the friendship of many fine people who helped me deal with the first six months of my grief after having lost Barbara to cancer exactly one year ago today.
As so much has happened since her passing, I really did not anticipate that this first anniversary of her death would be so difficult for me to bear, but the past several days leading up to today have been filled with awful memories of her suffering and my despair and feelings of woe and inadequacy at not being able to rescue her from her fate. I remember all too clearly, her frailty and emaciated body, as she lay unable to tend to any of her personal needs. It breaks my heart yet again, to recall her asking for food, yet being unable to eat it when offered her. I cannot get past the cries of pain that I caused her as I went about moving her in my efforts to clean her and to change her clothing. It seems so long ago, yet it feels like yesterday at the same time.
Barbara, my love, where are you now? I wonder if you are walking with Our Lord along the Streets of Glory. Are you keeping company with your Dad and our friends Bob & Bettie?? Oh, but I just know that Heaven is a wonderful place….I only wish that I could know for sure that you are there and you are all right…safe in His arms. We never really professed or expressed our faith in God in our everyday lives together, but I believe that you had accepted Jesus Christ as your savior. I just don’t recall for certain, and that does worry me some.
I am so grateful to you, honey, that you enabled me to allow God to enter into my consciousness. Your illness, and the incredibly difficult last 22 days of your life brought me to my very knees, and laid my soul bare at the feet of Jesus Christ Himself. Throughout this past year, I have shared a fine relationship with God that is growing and deepening within me. I read His Word every day, and I am trying to live out my remaining days in such a way that honors him and makes me worthy of my place in His Kingdom when my time comes. Next Sunday, I will be Baptized and officially accept Jesus Christ as my Savior and to testify to my acceptance of Him as the way to my redemption. By allowing Christ to dwell within me, I know that He has atoned for my sins on the Cross at Calvary. I am so blessed to be given this wonderful opportunity.
I have also been blessed that God has given me Elizabeth to share the rest of my life with. She has been a wonderful companion, spiritual support, and loving wife to me. Beth is such a beautiful, caring woman, and I feel somewhat guilty to be able to call her my own. Somehow I do not feel worthy. But I’m working on it. Our life together is not without its share of difficulties and trials, but I know of no two people that can boast of a perfect co-existence. In the six plus months we have been together, we have flourished under the watchful eye of Jesus. We have weathered record low temperatures (-5) in winter, and severely hot temperatures (108 yesterday) in the summer. Our home was threatened during the recent Texas wildfires, and we lived for 10 days under an evacuation alert. This was followed by severe thunder and lightning storms packed with tornados. We were under tornado warnings for several days. We have offered to share our home with her little brother, Kirk, who has been paroled after nearly 20 years in a Florida prison. His return to mainstream society has been very difficult for him and extremely trying for Beth and me. We both pray constantly that the Lord will touch him in such a way that he will figure out how to live as a free, law abiding man, but he has yet to come to terms with the responsibilities that come with freedom. Kirk is a challenge for me, but I will not allow him to destroy my relationship with my God or my wife. I will, however, continue to pray for him and support Elizabeth’s efforts to provide for his transformation.
I have been blessed with being accepted into Elizabeth’s family and circle of friends in such a way that I am humbled and grateful. We spent Christmas at her best friend Debbie’s home with her family. Debbie is married to Snake’s younger brother, “Donk”. I was very worried about how he would react to me, but we got on real well, and I count him among my friends here in Texas. Beth and Snake’s foster daughter, “Izzy B” seems to be coming around to viewing me as something other than just some guy that Beth found. She really loved Snake, and I don’t blame her for being a bit apprehensive when Elizabeth chose to include me in her life. She spent a week-end with us here a while back, and I was honored to attend her high school graduation as well as her baptism.
To sum things up, a year ago I was a broken, frightened and destitute man. Today, I am a man with a loving wife, a supportive church, a small circle of friends, a simple home filled with love and many of God’s creatures. Having recently turned 62, I now have a modest Social Security pension with which to support myself and contribute to our modest life style. We have 7 dogs, 6 goats, 5 ducklings, 4 geese, 45 chickens and one large Loggerhead Turtle. Life in the country is beautiful, and all in all, I’m a very happy camper. Life is good, and God is great!!!
My hope is that all of you good people that are traveling the same road as I am will find that there is a life yet to live. I encourage you all to do so while you are able. And, with that, I wish you all well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mbk81X6WHA4
As so much has happened since her passing, I really did not anticipate that this first anniversary of her death would be so difficult for me to bear, but the past several days leading up to today have been filled with awful memories of her suffering and my despair and feelings of woe and inadequacy at not being able to rescue her from her fate. I remember all too clearly, her frailty and emaciated body, as she lay unable to tend to any of her personal needs. It breaks my heart yet again, to recall her asking for food, yet being unable to eat it when offered her. I cannot get past the cries of pain that I caused her as I went about moving her in my efforts to clean her and to change her clothing. It seems so long ago, yet it feels like yesterday at the same time.
Barbara, my love, where are you now? I wonder if you are walking with Our Lord along the Streets of Glory. Are you keeping company with your Dad and our friends Bob & Bettie?? Oh, but I just know that Heaven is a wonderful place….I only wish that I could know for sure that you are there and you are all right…safe in His arms. We never really professed or expressed our faith in God in our everyday lives together, but I believe that you had accepted Jesus Christ as your savior. I just don’t recall for certain, and that does worry me some.
I am so grateful to you, honey, that you enabled me to allow God to enter into my consciousness. Your illness, and the incredibly difficult last 22 days of your life brought me to my very knees, and laid my soul bare at the feet of Jesus Christ Himself. Throughout this past year, I have shared a fine relationship with God that is growing and deepening within me. I read His Word every day, and I am trying to live out my remaining days in such a way that honors him and makes me worthy of my place in His Kingdom when my time comes. Next Sunday, I will be Baptized and officially accept Jesus Christ as my Savior and to testify to my acceptance of Him as the way to my redemption. By allowing Christ to dwell within me, I know that He has atoned for my sins on the Cross at Calvary. I am so blessed to be given this wonderful opportunity.
I have also been blessed that God has given me Elizabeth to share the rest of my life with. She has been a wonderful companion, spiritual support, and loving wife to me. Beth is such a beautiful, caring woman, and I feel somewhat guilty to be able to call her my own. Somehow I do not feel worthy. But I’m working on it. Our life together is not without its share of difficulties and trials, but I know of no two people that can boast of a perfect co-existence. In the six plus months we have been together, we have flourished under the watchful eye of Jesus. We have weathered record low temperatures (-5) in winter, and severely hot temperatures (108 yesterday) in the summer. Our home was threatened during the recent Texas wildfires, and we lived for 10 days under an evacuation alert. This was followed by severe thunder and lightning storms packed with tornados. We were under tornado warnings for several days. We have offered to share our home with her little brother, Kirk, who has been paroled after nearly 20 years in a Florida prison. His return to mainstream society has been very difficult for him and extremely trying for Beth and me. We both pray constantly that the Lord will touch him in such a way that he will figure out how to live as a free, law abiding man, but he has yet to come to terms with the responsibilities that come with freedom. Kirk is a challenge for me, but I will not allow him to destroy my relationship with my God or my wife. I will, however, continue to pray for him and support Elizabeth’s efforts to provide for his transformation.
I have been blessed with being accepted into Elizabeth’s family and circle of friends in such a way that I am humbled and grateful. We spent Christmas at her best friend Debbie’s home with her family. Debbie is married to Snake’s younger brother, “Donk”. I was very worried about how he would react to me, but we got on real well, and I count him among my friends here in Texas. Beth and Snake’s foster daughter, “Izzy B” seems to be coming around to viewing me as something other than just some guy that Beth found. She really loved Snake, and I don’t blame her for being a bit apprehensive when Elizabeth chose to include me in her life. She spent a week-end with us here a while back, and I was honored to attend her high school graduation as well as her baptism.
To sum things up, a year ago I was a broken, frightened and destitute man. Today, I am a man with a loving wife, a supportive church, a small circle of friends, a simple home filled with love and many of God’s creatures. Having recently turned 62, I now have a modest Social Security pension with which to support myself and contribute to our modest life style. We have 7 dogs, 6 goats, 5 ducklings, 4 geese, 45 chickens and one large Loggerhead Turtle. Life in the country is beautiful, and all in all, I’m a very happy camper. Life is good, and God is great!!!
My hope is that all of you good people that are traveling the same road as I am will find that there is a life yet to live. I encourage you all to do so while you are able. And, with that, I wish you all well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mbk81X6WHA4
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