Finding the Balance
I developed my codependent behaviour as a coping mechanism for dealing with my relationship with my mom in my childhood. I have now projected my fear of uncertainty in relationships and my need for love/reassurance onto my best friends and roommate, May (her nickname). As do many other codependent individuals, I struggle to express my needs. As a results of my codependent brain, I have developed this need to always be a 'perfect friend' - for that is the only way I will be worthy of love, affection, friendship, and reassurance in my codependent brain's eye. I have a fear rejection, trust issues, and lack self-love, thus I need love and reassurance from exterior sources (i.e. from May).
If we are not together, or do not have plans of when we will hang out next - my mind begins planning and anticipating our next conversation, or my next text message, or when I will see her next, or what she will be doing when I get home, or what she will do when she gets home, or what I will say when we hang out next.... the list is never-ending - my mind is always finding a way to pre-occupied itself with our future interactions. If my mind is not anticipating the future, it is scrutinizing me for my past. Reviewing our conversations and interactions, trying to find where I screwed up and said the wrong thing or reacted the wrong way... essentially looking for an error in my path to being a perfect friend. This process is extremely exhausting, unproductive, and probably more detrimental to our relationship then it is helpful. Both, building up expectations and scrutinizing my interactions, creates an anxious loop in my mind often leading to a full blown anxiety spell - especially when built up expectations go differently.
Anxiety - having a fear of uncertainty - has greatly impacted my life, and in particular has strong ties to my codependence. Slowly, as I am able to let go of little parts of my need for control (expectations and scrutinizing myself) within my codependent relationship, I find my interactions becoming more spontaneous, natural, and fun with May- which is how it should be with your best friend. For example when I miss her, I often fight the urge to contact her in fear of coming across needy and instead will just try to be home when she will likely be home, which in turn builds up anticipation and anxiety. Then, when we finally interact, if her mood does not reciprocate how much I miss her and wanted to see - I will spin into an anxious spell. However, by just acting on this desire to see her by giving her a call or texting her, I can reduce this anxiety quite quickly. Many codependents struggle with being overbearing in relationships and needy, and although this is what my inner codependent is constantly asking for - as a coping mechanism I learned in childhood, I try to keep mine completely mute. This results in even more unmet needs, and although I am working to dissolve my codependent behaviours, it is important to be able to pull apart feelings of missing someone, as appose to your co-dependent needs. Especially since missing someone, is a need and feeling, that often can be resolved quite easily and allows me to avoid the unnecessary anxiety. If I am able to recognize my needs and desires, and see that they are coming from a genuine place (such as missing someone) as appose to it being my codependent brain speaking - it can be very beneficial for me to act on these desires in a rational and realistic way, as appose to wait and allow the anxiety to build. This is something I am trying to work on - it is hard because I have a deep fear of coming across needy - so it is a balancing act in finding a natural equilibrium in my friendship and relationships.
If we are not together, or do not have plans of when we will hang out next - my mind begins planning and anticipating our next conversation, or my next text message, or when I will see her next, or what she will be doing when I get home, or what she will do when she gets home, or what I will say when we hang out next.... the list is never-ending - my mind is always finding a way to pre-occupied itself with our future interactions. If my mind is not anticipating the future, it is scrutinizing me for my past. Reviewing our conversations and interactions, trying to find where I screwed up and said the wrong thing or reacted the wrong way... essentially looking for an error in my path to being a perfect friend. This process is extremely exhausting, unproductive, and probably more detrimental to our relationship then it is helpful. Both, building up expectations and scrutinizing my interactions, creates an anxious loop in my mind often leading to a full blown anxiety spell - especially when built up expectations go differently.
Anxiety - having a fear of uncertainty - has greatly impacted my life, and in particular has strong ties to my codependence. Slowly, as I am able to let go of little parts of my need for control (expectations and scrutinizing myself) within my codependent relationship, I find my interactions becoming more spontaneous, natural, and fun with May- which is how it should be with your best friend. For example when I miss her, I often fight the urge to contact her in fear of coming across needy and instead will just try to be home when she will likely be home, which in turn builds up anticipation and anxiety. Then, when we finally interact, if her mood does not reciprocate how much I miss her and wanted to see - I will spin into an anxious spell. However, by just acting on this desire to see her by giving her a call or texting her, I can reduce this anxiety quite quickly. Many codependents struggle with being overbearing in relationships and needy, and although this is what my inner codependent is constantly asking for - as a coping mechanism I learned in childhood, I try to keep mine completely mute. This results in even more unmet needs, and although I am working to dissolve my codependent behaviours, it is important to be able to pull apart feelings of missing someone, as appose to your co-dependent needs. Especially since missing someone, is a need and feeling, that often can be resolved quite easily and allows me to avoid the unnecessary anxiety. If I am able to recognize my needs and desires, and see that they are coming from a genuine place (such as missing someone) as appose to it being my codependent brain speaking - it can be very beneficial for me to act on these desires in a rational and realistic way, as appose to wait and allow the anxiety to build. This is something I am trying to work on - it is hard because I have a deep fear of coming across needy - so it is a balancing act in finding a natural equilibrium in my friendship and relationships.
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