Finding Strength and Hope

I have posted a quote on my bulletin board that I thought I'd share with you here. " Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying,'I will try again tomorrow." -Mary Anne Radmacher. I pulled it off the wall this morning, read it yet again and thought to myself," How true." Sad that it's not even noon yet and I'm already hoping for tomorrow and that it will be better than today. I was in severe pain most of the night. I probably needed to go to the ER but chose not to. To sit and wait, cry and writhe, only to be given morphine which doesn't work on nerve pain seemed worse to me than curling in a fetal ball with my hot pad and trying to rest. I can no longer tell whether it is just DDD pain or something else. I hear this is common. I hate to admit out loud that truly...I no longer care. When pain is at the center of my world and I still keep fighting through a cold, anguished dawn because I believe the sun will rise and so will I to fight yet another day...well that has to be hope and some form of inner strength I don't possess. It has to be a higher power who gives me the strength to continue. I just don't have it, that 's for sure. I have PT today, and they said they were going to work me hard. As I'm already hurting, I'm going to try whatever they say I'm to do...though it may cost me dearly. I must know what works and doesn't work and fight to survive. I am looking forward to the day I enter heaven with a glorified body. I want to run again, not some dawdling walk that I'm allowed now but a full marathon again. I want to hike hills that are now forbidden to me. I used to run steep hills for fun. I want to ride horses again without fear of vertebrae snapping or slipping and damaging nerves. I want to ride a roller coaster without fear of being paralyzed. I wonder if God has roller coasters in heaven? Silly thought. I want to climb rock faces again without fear of falling. I want to take long car rides with the window down and tunes kicking. I'm lucky to make it to the corner without tears now. Oh the things I miss. Now...no pity party here. I am grateful for: warm bed, roof over my head, food in my cupboards, a gentle hug or smile from anyone, a call to tell me someone cares about me( rare and precious) , my new church and fellowship there, my personal library of books and movies which entertain me, my family who stand by and ask if I need anything when I cry in pain. These little joys are diamonds in the sea of sewage that is DDD. I can walk yet, sit in a chair for a time, perhaps I may be able to quilt again once I'm healed from the latest surgery. I do hope so as I have a quilt on my wall ready to go. I will hope for the simple things now...no grandiose ventures or dreams as they died with the first surgery. I look to the little blessings now, thinking they are bigger than my dreams ever were. :)