Finding Peace and Some Resolve
It has been awhile since I have updated my journal. In the past few weeks so much has happened. 1.) the woman from NY and I had words regarding her involvement with my husband and many other things; 2) felt such a black rage at everything it scared me ( never felt anything remotely like that ever);3) spoke to my priest and feel so much better. We all know being involved with an addict whether as a parent, spouse, sibling, or partner life becomes difficult. I don't know how it was with anyone else in the beginning, but with me it was ok, draw on your nursing skills, your degrees in psychology and encourage him to get help. Well, that didn't work at all. He didn't have a problem. I did, I was the cause of it all. I knew it wasn't me and after hearing it over and over for weeks, months and then years, I began to believe it was me. I thought what did I ever do to him to make him turn to her wallet, cheat for money and so forth. I was held in the clutches of being beat down, and internalized what he said. After talking to my priest, laying all this mess at the foot of the cross, I know it wasn't me. I think I needed to have that blinding rage to scare me so bad to get help from the priest.
Since our discussion, when he said look around your apartment... I don't see him, he is choosing not to be here, not to be a husband, not to be responsible as a partner... he chose the life he is living. You can't become a recluse and not live waiting for him to wise up and be the husband he was 5 years ago because that man is gone. All you can do is the life God gave you, enjoy your life, and move forward. If he gets help and is serious about recovery, being a husband and ditching this involvement with the other woman and her money maybe the marriage can be saved. In the meantime, pray and live your life.
So that is what I am doing. If I hear from him, I hear from him. If I feel like answering the phone, I do. I no longer call after him. I no longer allow that other NY woman to rent space in my head. I do not say her name ever. If my thoughts start to go that way I say a prayer and find something to do . My daughter and grandchildren are moving down here with me in a few weeks, we are making plans to do things and she will be here when I have the hip surgery done. My neighbors built 2 ramos so I can get out of the apartment, making arrangements to get a hovaround so I am more independent and won't require his assistance.
Little by little I feel my old self emerging. And I am welcoming her back ! I have missed ME!
Since our discussion, when he said look around your apartment... I don't see him, he is choosing not to be here, not to be a husband, not to be responsible as a partner... he chose the life he is living. You can't become a recluse and not live waiting for him to wise up and be the husband he was 5 years ago because that man is gone. All you can do is the life God gave you, enjoy your life, and move forward. If he gets help and is serious about recovery, being a husband and ditching this involvement with the other woman and her money maybe the marriage can be saved. In the meantime, pray and live your life.
So that is what I am doing. If I hear from him, I hear from him. If I feel like answering the phone, I do. I no longer call after him. I no longer allow that other NY woman to rent space in my head. I do not say her name ever. If my thoughts start to go that way I say a prayer and find something to do . My daughter and grandchildren are moving down here with me in a few weeks, we are making plans to do things and she will be here when I have the hip surgery done. My neighbors built 2 ramos so I can get out of the apartment, making arrangements to get a hovaround so I am more independent and won't require his assistance.
Little by little I feel my old self emerging. And I am welcoming her back ! I have missed ME!
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