Finding myself again

In the yaer 2000 I graduated from high school and started college at the age of 17. It was the first time I felt alone and longed for my parents, who were a mixed source of painful memories and mixed support. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know who I was, and I felt lost for the first time in my life. Luckily, I found a small group of devoted friends who helped me find a Christian support group filled with people in the same place I was. A young person trying to figure out what being an adult meant; how to use all of the biblical knowledge posessed to develop a personal relationship with a loving G-d; and how to use that knowldge and relationship to build a strength based life in Christian values. This was not easy, and there were ups and downs, including coming to terms with myself as a sinner, my past pains, and my current mental health. Eventually I worked as a Youth Minister through my last years of college.

 Being strong in my faith, I didn't think that marrying someone who was not a Christian would be harmful, but as life would happen in our marriage, I would feel embarrised by my beliefe in what was jokingly referred to as my immaginary friend. This was not joking to me - it hurt, and caused doubt.

As the life I knew crashed around me, and all that was left was my husband, I shifted and he became my rock, and I became increasingly angry at a G-d that I once loved, but seemed to have an un-relenting barage of pain in store for me once again. 

After 10 years of marriage, and 12 years of the life I loved, I now find myself ripped away from any upport I once had witha  husband who, after years of me praying, has finally found some verion of Christianity that he wants to develop, if only for me, in a time that I cannot be angrier with G-d. I am once again alone, and longing for the mixed support and pain caused by my family of origin. Beyond this, I work as a therapist and find myself utterly embarrissed to be depressed and in need of mental health care myself once more. 

I have one friend I confide in, because I never had many friends, who is left in my old life - like everything else I grew to know and love. I asked her the last time we talked "how do I find a support group to help me find myself and my place again like I did in college" and she - also being in he mental health field in her best "therapatizing" way told me to find a group and they would find a way to support me. 

So here I am. I used to use Open Diary before it closed, and loved it. It was usefull to just spend some time each day thinking through my life and devoting that time to relaxing and looking for solutions. I hope that having a place to write and having a small supportive group with help me once again. 

Help me. 

How do I overcome these feelings of hating G-d and blaming him for my problems? or are these trials I am supposed to go through? and if they are, why do they suck so bad?

How do I help my loving husband build a Christain life and explain to him how he has hurt me in our marriage?

How do I feel so not alone in this new town where I know no one and have no connections?

How do I support my young children through their own transitions to this new town - including my son with Autism?

How do I forgive forever the pain of my past?

How do I move forward each day without wanting to end it all to escape the feelings I have?

How do I deal with the mental health of others when I can't deal with my own mental health?

Why do I feel like G-d hates me?

Where do I start to find myself again?

Help. 

:) Susie