Finding Myself

 Today is an improvement with strength.  I believe the changes in the house are helping, for I so love my home.  It is where I find peace, serenity, and comfort.  The only thing missing is the man I shared 38 years of my life with, but he is there in spirit.  There is no need for me to stop loving my home because some things bring me pain.  So, they are material objects and I change them.  My husband wouldn't mind, and as someone told me, if he were alive you would still eventually make these changes for you would get tired of the house looking the same way.  And, they are right. On the way home last night I had the internal feeling to clean out some dresser drawers, bag up the items, and give them to my next door neighbor for her church's mission in Haiti.  I know that somehow it was my husband and God telling me to let the things go.  It was OK.  And it was a good feeling.  I still love my husband in my heart, and miss our life together, but he still walks with me every day. I pray that God continues to allow me to heal, and find new friends and activities to fullfill my loss.  Other well-meaning people believe that it entails a new partner, but I don't think of that.  I find that mindset to be very upsetting and hurtful.  It is also disrespectful to me and my deceased partner.  I need to focus on me, my loss, my friends and my family.  I don't need to be made to feel like I am going to be a very lonely, alone person, because I don't hook up with someone.  It is cruel what others' comments can do to your mind and your soul.  They don't mean to hurt, they only want to help.  Not surprisingly, it never comes from a person who has been widowed for they know and they understand. I know that today is a step forward and an improvement, but I also know there will be steps backward too.   Looking forward to the bible study group I have been invited too, which starts September 22.  It is a womens' group and should bring a sense of serenity.

Replies

Community Leadermarjoe
marjoe

Debbie - months ago, I gave many of Joe\'s xlarge t-shirts to my then growing, pregnant long term employee. She loved Joe, and loved wearing the t-shirts. It made me feel good. I\'m feeling the same way you are. I miss Joe, the person - I\'m not ready for a generic man to fill those shoes. Why is it that people think moving on, forward, means finding someone else? I\'m expending a whole lot of energy just grieving, thinking, being, and taking those small steps towards finding myself again. And it takes a WHOLE lot of energy. I have love within me, and I show it and express it - to my friends, my family, my neighbors - I give and get lots of hugs, I tell them how I feel - I kiss my employee\'s baby\'s feet. But there\'s not enough of me emotionally to give to another relationship right now. Not that anyone\'s asking (LOL!!) So I know what you mean. Just be yourself - trust your gut and heart - Hugs, Marsha
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn

Debbie You are so right and on the right path. You are the director of your life and you need to do what makes you feel good. I\'m so glad to see how great your doing. Sharon
jerseydebbie
jerseydebbie

Yes Marsha-- It does take tons of energy taking those steps. Sometimes it feels like two steps forward and six steps back. What makes me angry is that I didn\'t ask to be in this position, and I didn\'t ask for my husband to get cancer and die. We both had no control over any of it. I just tell God he knows how I feel about everything, even though I still tell him. And I ask that he just gives me the strength to do the best I can each day. I cherish what I had and the memories that go with it. All I want right now is to not worry about anything. My mind is tired.