Finding my voice
My strolls down memory lane and the drama of the last few weeks have led me to seriously take stock of myself. I know, I get this way often, but something feels different this time. Maybe it's the fact that it seems to be coming from so many arenas at once rather than just trouble with Timmy. I feel like I have reached a point where it is either learn from this and grow or let it destroy me for real. I choose to grow.
I love my family. I will always be here if they truly need me to be, but I can't be the one making all their booboos better any longer. That has always been my role: something goes wrong, someone needs money or a place to stay (or a car in the case of Sheila) and I move heaven and earth and go without to make sure they have what they need. I grumble about how unfair it all is; after all, I am the one struggling to work and raise three kids with an unsupportive, draining extra in Timmy, but the reality is I am the one who created this monster. Somewhere along the way I became my brother's keeper, literally (and my mother, my father, my sisters, my friends, my coworkers, and on and on.) I jump to do everyone's bidding even though it is literally taking from me and mine, even if what it is taking is nothing more than my energy and my very soul.
I love my children. I know they haven't had the best time of it, but who has. I love them and have shown them in every way I know how. However, it is not acceptable for my child to treat me like dirt; like I am lower than the lowest worm on the face of the planet. Her rude demeanor and disrespectful attitude cannot be tolerated any longer. It is poison to our home, much like Sherry's behavior is poison to our office. Yes, she needs counseling and it is my job as her parent to ensure that she gets the best help I can give her. However, I will no longer ignore and tolerate her disrespect and will set boundaries the best I can. This cannot go on. I am exhausted and it simply isn't fair to me or to her brother and sister, or even to her to be honest. So I am calling a counseling center this morning to try to get her in sooner rather than later.
I wish I could say I loved my job, but I can't. I love my coworkers (most of them anyway!) and they are truly like family to me as well. However, in light of recent events, I don't think it is realistic for me to think that things can ever go back to being comfortable, which might be a good thing. Comfortable makes me complacent and no good has ever come of that! I am actively looking for another job, but even if I don't find one right away, I think I might have to step back and just leave. I am writing a letter today to give to my bosses to express to them my concern about my own safety, as well as the safety of other employees in the office in light of Sherry's escalating abuse and hostile behavior, but I am not sure that I want to stay regardless of the outcome. I do worry about everyone else though. I called there multiple times yesterday just to check on them. I can honestly see this situation escalating to the point that it could be dangerous.
And then there is Timmy. What can I say. I moan and groan and complain about him, but the reality is I have done nothing to change things. I know that this relationship is over in my head and has been for a long time. I kid myself that things will be worse if I leave him, but in reality they are pretty damn dismal right now. Financially, I'll be fine. I'll figure it out. In my moments of clarity, I can see that I've really been doing it on my own for the past 18 years anyway. His only contribution is to add to the stress, chaos, and dysfunction that is this life. So.....the decision needs to be made, stay or go. Stay as in stay here in this area or go farther away? The only thing that keeps me here is the fact that my kids have school; I wonder if it's fair to make them transfer yet again. I think I could tough it out for 4.5 more years until Alyssa graduates, but the reality is I can't see myself going through this even one more year. And I truly believe that as long as I am within "striking distance" Timmy will never relent and never let me live in peace. So what does that leave me with? I think the ultimate decision can wait until school ends for this year--only 6.5 months to go. But can it? If I am starting over with a new job anyway, doesn't it make better sense to do it all at once? Make one fresh start and then be done. That will take a little thought. I will no longer worry about him trying to take the girls--that was a bullshit threat anyway. My kids are old enough that they can speak for themselves; the only worry is that once they talk to the judge or advocate we might both lose them for the situation we have allowed them to live in for their entire lives. No...I don't worry about him taking them. I would take them far far away before I let him have sole responsibility for destroying my kids. And as far as moving far away from my family; realistically they don't help me anyway. I can still talk to them daily if need be and still see them on holidays, but it might be healthier for me to be far enough away that I can't give into the temptation to rush in and save them when they fall on their faces yet again. Sounds a bit harsh, but for the first time I don't actually feel cold and cruel saying that.
Well enough ruminating for one morning. I need to get to work on my tasks for the day. I will feel much better when I am actually making steps in the right direction.
I love my family. I will always be here if they truly need me to be, but I can't be the one making all their booboos better any longer. That has always been my role: something goes wrong, someone needs money or a place to stay (or a car in the case of Sheila) and I move heaven and earth and go without to make sure they have what they need. I grumble about how unfair it all is; after all, I am the one struggling to work and raise three kids with an unsupportive, draining extra in Timmy, but the reality is I am the one who created this monster. Somewhere along the way I became my brother's keeper, literally (and my mother, my father, my sisters, my friends, my coworkers, and on and on.) I jump to do everyone's bidding even though it is literally taking from me and mine, even if what it is taking is nothing more than my energy and my very soul.
I love my children. I know they haven't had the best time of it, but who has. I love them and have shown them in every way I know how. However, it is not acceptable for my child to treat me like dirt; like I am lower than the lowest worm on the face of the planet. Her rude demeanor and disrespectful attitude cannot be tolerated any longer. It is poison to our home, much like Sherry's behavior is poison to our office. Yes, she needs counseling and it is my job as her parent to ensure that she gets the best help I can give her. However, I will no longer ignore and tolerate her disrespect and will set boundaries the best I can. This cannot go on. I am exhausted and it simply isn't fair to me or to her brother and sister, or even to her to be honest. So I am calling a counseling center this morning to try to get her in sooner rather than later.
I wish I could say I loved my job, but I can't. I love my coworkers (most of them anyway!) and they are truly like family to me as well. However, in light of recent events, I don't think it is realistic for me to think that things can ever go back to being comfortable, which might be a good thing. Comfortable makes me complacent and no good has ever come of that! I am actively looking for another job, but even if I don't find one right away, I think I might have to step back and just leave. I am writing a letter today to give to my bosses to express to them my concern about my own safety, as well as the safety of other employees in the office in light of Sherry's escalating abuse and hostile behavior, but I am not sure that I want to stay regardless of the outcome. I do worry about everyone else though. I called there multiple times yesterday just to check on them. I can honestly see this situation escalating to the point that it could be dangerous.
And then there is Timmy. What can I say. I moan and groan and complain about him, but the reality is I have done nothing to change things. I know that this relationship is over in my head and has been for a long time. I kid myself that things will be worse if I leave him, but in reality they are pretty damn dismal right now. Financially, I'll be fine. I'll figure it out. In my moments of clarity, I can see that I've really been doing it on my own for the past 18 years anyway. His only contribution is to add to the stress, chaos, and dysfunction that is this life. So.....the decision needs to be made, stay or go. Stay as in stay here in this area or go farther away? The only thing that keeps me here is the fact that my kids have school; I wonder if it's fair to make them transfer yet again. I think I could tough it out for 4.5 more years until Alyssa graduates, but the reality is I can't see myself going through this even one more year. And I truly believe that as long as I am within "striking distance" Timmy will never relent and never let me live in peace. So what does that leave me with? I think the ultimate decision can wait until school ends for this year--only 6.5 months to go. But can it? If I am starting over with a new job anyway, doesn't it make better sense to do it all at once? Make one fresh start and then be done. That will take a little thought. I will no longer worry about him trying to take the girls--that was a bullshit threat anyway. My kids are old enough that they can speak for themselves; the only worry is that once they talk to the judge or advocate we might both lose them for the situation we have allowed them to live in for their entire lives. No...I don't worry about him taking them. I would take them far far away before I let him have sole responsibility for destroying my kids. And as far as moving far away from my family; realistically they don't help me anyway. I can still talk to them daily if need be and still see them on holidays, but it might be healthier for me to be far enough away that I can't give into the temptation to rush in and save them when they fall on their faces yet again. Sounds a bit harsh, but for the first time I don't actually feel cold and cruel saying that.
Well enough ruminating for one morning. I need to get to work on my tasks for the day. I will feel much better when I am actually making steps in the right direction.
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