Finding "ME"is not EASY.

Today I realized that I can do ANYTHING I WANT TO!!!!! What a wonderful feeling that I am bound by NOTHING!!! So I started to really ask myself T what would be just awesome to do? Something you always wanted to do way down deep but just never did because he would find some way to knock it down or take up all my time so I would just give up or quit. Just like scrap booking with my friends once a week he had to work later and later so I had to be home with the kids. Then there was bowling night with my coworkers it had to be on a Friday night and that was his poker night. Oh and even movie monday's I think I went to one movie and then it was to expensive to go every week.
Today I signed up to learn Italian ME ITALIAN MY FATHER IS BESIDE HIMSELF. Now I will actually be able to understand what they are saying at family get togethers instead of just listening for my name. Not to mention my dream of going to Italy one day is not all lost maybe I will get there and how cool would that be. Maybe next fall I can teach my students some Italian they would love it. I know it's not skydiving or rock climbing but i'm excited about it ya know.
I was also asked today to teach a music and singing class next year at my little charter school I work at thus sealing my position for next year. Yeah I have a job next year most of the other teachers have not been asked back yet for next year so i'm honored. My bosses saw through all the struggle I have been through over the past 6 months and told me I showed courage, strength, and honor in a time when I could have just given up and they would be lucky to have me next year.
The funny thing is that when they were talking to me I was saying it was my kids, my family, my friends, my co-workers, my church, my Pastor, ect.. who got me through this far and they looked at me and said NO T IT WAS YOU WHO GOT YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS THROUGH THIS FAR YOU AND YOU ALONE PULLED YOURSELF UP. Why don't you ever give yourself any credit first you gave all the credit to you stbx and now that he's gone you are giving it to everyone else. So they told me I had homework today I had to go home and write a letter to myself giving myself credit for all the things I know I accomplished on my own. Including keeping my family together and raising three great kids with no help what so ever for more than 20 years.
I don't know why I can't see all the things I am all the things others seem to see in me so easily but I just can't. Maybe it was 22 years of living in the shadows. Always standing behind a man who had to be front and center all the time. Who had to have so much attention all the time that if I had just a little bit of the attention or spotlight I think he felt threatened. Then he used to call me insecure and suspicious with no goals and negative blah, blah, blah... I think he was the insecure one I think he would never let me have center stage simply because his ego couldn't handle me upstaging him. I mean lets face it I'M THE BETTER PARENT HANDS DOWN, I WAS THE BETTER SPOUSE. I MANAGED THE MONEY BETTER I DID EVERYTHING BETTER THAN HIM AND I GAVE HIM ALL THE FREAKING CREDIT. I am the reason he has such I big EGO because I built him up to be something MORE THAN HE REALLY WAS. WOW I need to call my Therapist I think I am slowly figuring out a lot of crap.......

Replies

new2free
new2free

Good for you!! Well done!!
And congratulations on the secure job for next year! I am so glad someone else has acknowledged what a great job you have done too!
You go girl!!
arrivederci! Ciao (that is about the sum total of my Italian)
kg1130
kg1130

You go gurl! lol

Kim