Finding an answer...

This past weekend I was back to my dark place, stbe called me a whore.  This shook me to my core, because I started to doubt my purpose as a human.  I started to think if that was true, then why am I on this planet.  This momentary crisis of my self worth brought out my warrior within.  I started to get mad and dig up the past.  I started digging up every moment in the past 19 years that I was pushed emotionally down.  The more I started digging, a reoccuring theme started to take shape.  A pattern emerged and I had an epiphany...I have an image of my stbe holding a carrot in one hand and a stick in the other.  The carrot...was him always giving me everything I wanted or needed, even when it put the family in financial jeopardy.  The stick...was the backlash of his anger...yelling/screaming/throwing and breaking things.  This pattern began when we first got married and began intensify over the years.  The differences between when the carrot was being used and when the stick was being used came more frequently.  Now, when I look at him I only see the carrot and the stick and I am never sure which one he will use first.  This epiphany gave me a kind of peace deep within myself, a reassurance that I deserve something more than that uncertainity.