Financially overwhelmed

I didn't even want to write in my journal about this because I feel all I've done lately is sit on the financial pity-pot, but I got a text from my stbx today that says he can't make the rent payment which is due today.   Never in my wildest dreams did I realize that when he left in May to start his new life that my finances would be so drastically altered that I wouldn't have a penny to my name.  Never did I think that I wouldn't have money for gas, or for food or for the basic necessities.  Never did I think I would have to beg my husband of 23 years for money just to get by or for car repairs.  Never did I realize that I would be made to feel like a beggar after everything I've done for our family all this time.   He's been laid off since Oct 15th.  He told me he was working 3 side jobs, but today he recanted that and said he's been working on "some leads".  He said he's been trying to get together with a shop to set up a business of some sort that he states could be very lucrative if it all works out.  I hope for all our sakes this does because I cannot make it here on my own. I know he is not doing this purposely.  It's not his fault the car industry in Michigan is taking a nose dive, no thanks to Congress.  If any of the big 3 files bankruptcy, he can kiss is job goodbye.  He works for an automotive supplier who relies heavily on the Big 3 here in Michigan.  Right now we are hoping and praying that he gets called back in 3 weeks on Jan. 5th.  But the car industry bail out will have a big affect on that.   This might sound wierd (or selfish) but I'm hoping this other business he's working on actually comes to fruitation because then he'd be away from the "skirts" at work that he chose to hook up with - even if it was on an emotional level (whatever).  I know she is not the reason for our troubles but she is the reason for our divorce.  I'd sure feel better if he wasn't around "her" every day.  Maybe if he gets back into a "shop" atmosphere, he won't be so tempted.  This is kind of hypocritical of me because I know in my heart is doesn't matter what he does or who he sees anymore but still I'd rather he not be around it every day even if we are not together anymore. Anyway, I don't know what I'm going to do about our rent.    I don't know what I'm going to do about Christmas.  I don't know how I'm going to finish fixing my car.  I don't know how I'm going to get food in my house or gas in my car.  I get paid on Friday, but I'll have to put my whole paycheck towards the rent.  My landlord has been so nice to us.  He doesn't know about me and my stbx but I think it's time I told him the whole sorry story.  He's a super nice guy, but when you owe people money, they don't stay so nice.  How can I face him with this news.  I told my stbx to call him because I've already made excuses when he was late with the last payment.  I don't want to do it again. As I sit here writing this I have about 42 miles of gas left in my car.  Round trip to my work tomorrow is about 47 miles.  Doesn't add up does it.  I can get to work, I just can't get home.   I trust that God will find a way for us and that He has his reasons for all this upheaval in our lives, but I sit here right now and wonder what it is I did to deserve all this.   I've already lost one house through bankruptcy and foreclosure, I don't want to have to move me and my kids again.  That's what my stbx wants me to do.  His words are "you don't need that big beautiful brand new condo".  He's so hung up on how nice this place is he's forgetting that my son sleeps in the basement because it's only 2 bedrooms and there's 3 of us.  He forgets that it's the only place that would allow me to keep HIS dog.  He forgets that it's less payment and much smaller than our house was.  I don't want to live in a dumpy house or a 800 sq. ft apartment just because he decided he wanted a better life than what he had with us.  I know life is not fair, but he'll have some hot little apartment for himself and the kids and I (and the animals) will be stuffed into a small apartment tripping over each other.  That's just not right.  Like I said, pity pot.   I feel like just giving him everything and finding a small upper flat or room to rent for myself.  I don't need much space and I could afford something small on my own.  I feel like packing a bag and dropping by his parents house with a key and saying "here you go, it's all yours.  You find a new place for you and the kids and the animals and all our stuff.  You worry about food in the pantry for them and laundry and cleaning and putting the dog out and cleaning kitty litter and cooking and etc, etc, etc.".  I just feel like giving up and walking away from all this responsibility.  Afterall, that's what he did.  But I won't because I would never do that to my children.  They would never understand and it would hurt them even more than they already hurt - I could never do that to them.  But I'd like to drop all this in my husband's lap and say, there you go, lets see how you handle it. I am sorry to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself.  It's just really hard when all I want to do is move forward with my life, have a normal life again, and I just keep getting kicked in the gut with one thing after another.  I know I'm not the only one and things really could be a lot worse, but right now I'm just hanging on by my fingertips and not having the rent is a huge blow to my recovery.  Plus I am heartsick about not being able to provide a single present for Christmas for my kids this year.  They don't deserve this.  As a matter of fact, this year they have been so supportive of me and my pain that I wish I could give them the world.   I know this is only temporary and I know that this too shall pass, and I believe with all my heart that God has a reason for all this insanity, I just need to hang on a little longer until this mountain is climbed and the journey to happiness hits a little more level ground. Thanks for listening.  I've tried to stay strong throughout everything, but sometimes it just knocks me to my knees - which actually is a good position to start praying.  Hugs to you all.