Financial costs..
Possible financial consequences--
1. Your partner uses your money or credit to feed his addiction.
In our case, it hasn't been his addiction, but his selfishness that has been the cause of our financial woes (or mine at least). He makes at least four times what I do, but he refuses to take care of any responsibilities at the house. I take that back, he does pay half the rent. Yet, he refuses to buy anything for the kids, including groceries for our household (which he eats as well), unless and until I am flat broke and there is nothing here. He then "loans" me the money to go to the store, but expects a strict accounting of what I spent there and then demands I pay him back when I get paid. He then launches into the tirade about how irresponsible I am with money and how he needs to take control of my money. All the while he is out buying $500 gas powered remote control cars; spending thousands of dollars on his mustang; buying and renovating an RV (still not sure how much that cost--and it does nothing but sit until he and his friends want to go be comfy at the race track), buying himself dinner out and bringing it home to eat in front of us. In the meantime, he watched me sewing patches into our 13-year old's jeans because they were split in the upper thighs; when I asked for money to get her some more pants, I was informed that I would have the money if I hadn't bought her an iPod for Christmas.
2. Your partner's emotional disturbance or chronic immaturity make his thinking and choices around money illogical and impulsive.
Again, he does spend money impulsively on his "toys". However, I am told if I dare to voice a complaint about it, that he works hard for his money (as if I don't!) and he deserves to get what he wants.
3. Your partner's abusive values put his needs above yours. This might mean that your partner spends on things that are his priorities without putting resources toward your priorities. It could also mean that your schooling and career have been on hold because his needs came first, or because you had to give your attention to the children. Then you realize that your turn is never coming.
Where do I begin on this one! This is our relationship in a nutshell. I guess I should be thankful that I am "allowed to work", because I know so many women in abusive relationships are even denied that, but damn.....my income goes to pay for everything household, for my kids (our kids) needs and mine. There just is not enough to take care of all of that. I have had four broken teeth for years; really need root canals (if it isn't too late). Sometimes they get infected and swell and are painful, however, that is my responsibility--not his fault I can't spend money responsibly enough to be able to fix them. Seriously!! Where does he think the money is going to come from. When I tell him I am going to have to get a second job just to afford the clothes the girls need and my dental issues, he screams at me that I am being selfish for even thinking of spending more time from home. It would be one thing if that money was to help "us" out, but this is just to benefit me. And by the way, why would I expect him to willingly pick up more of the household responsibilities--that is only to benefit me so I am not so stressed trying to do it all, that won't put him any further ahead (or in his "good" moments, that won't put "us" any further ahead).
Exercise: Commitment to financial health
1. How has this relationship impacted your financial health?
Upon entering this relationship, I was a 20 year old single mom working three jobs to support me and my 1 year old son. I had gotten my first credit card and was doing well with my credit and bank account and living with my mom paying half the bills. Things weren't great, and I can't say for sure what might have been because I was still fairly new at this responsibility thing. I did like to take my son places and buy him things (who doesn't), but I worked hard and spent a lot of time away from him to ensure I could do those things for him.
When T. and I got together, he immediately started sponging--can't think of a better word. He would take my car, stay at my house indefinitely with no responsibilities, and expected me to pay if we went anywhere (shouldn't that have been clue one you say....) Every place we have ever lived has been in my name; when he decides it is time to move on, he leaves me holding the tab for broken leases, etc. Every vehicle I have managed to get on my own has somehow been a piece of shit and he has had to buy another (I'm not sure what happens to those vehicles, I think he sells them although he tells me he scraps them--but they were fine as far as I could tell), then the car is his and he only lets me use it. Every dime I get for taxes, etc. he takes if he knows I have it. I pay for every thing in the house, with the exception of half the rent he pays. The kids have always been my responsibility from daycare to clothing to gifts because, well I had them. I had a $5900 bill I had to pay with the MVA because or a car he took and never turned tags in on--although he promised me he did, but it was then my responsibility to figure out how to take care of it because..... I am in debt up to my eyeballs, struggling to make ends meet, working my ass off, and I come out looking like the irresponsible one with money because he doesn't have these issues. Well of course not!
2. Do you need help finding, interpreting, and knowing how to improve or keep a healthy credit score? Has your relationship impacted you in this area?
Well, it has definitely impacted my credit score, but I don't need help understanding it. I get it, I just have to get through these recent issues.
3. If your income allows, do you have an emergency savings to which you have access? If so, how is this goal supported in your relationship?
I just started an emergency savings, which my income really doesn't allow but I had to do something. This is not supported--he does everything within his power to ensure that I am kept as destitute as possible. I could never tell him I started an emergency savings because he would then try to take that too.
4. Do you understand your options for planning for your older years? How does your partner contribute to this plan?
I understand perfectly my options, but right now I am just trying to survive the immediate future.
5. Do you feel confident in your ability to manage cash flow and budget? In what ways does your partner influence your ability to manage this plan?
I am confident that I know how to do this, I've been managing on a limited amount for a long time. He makes it impossible to budget because if he even gets an inkling that I might have a few extra dollars he needs something from me.
6. Do you feel confident in handling your tax responsibilities?
Yes
1. Your partner uses your money or credit to feed his addiction.
In our case, it hasn't been his addiction, but his selfishness that has been the cause of our financial woes (or mine at least). He makes at least four times what I do, but he refuses to take care of any responsibilities at the house. I take that back, he does pay half the rent. Yet, he refuses to buy anything for the kids, including groceries for our household (which he eats as well), unless and until I am flat broke and there is nothing here. He then "loans" me the money to go to the store, but expects a strict accounting of what I spent there and then demands I pay him back when I get paid. He then launches into the tirade about how irresponsible I am with money and how he needs to take control of my money. All the while he is out buying $500 gas powered remote control cars; spending thousands of dollars on his mustang; buying and renovating an RV (still not sure how much that cost--and it does nothing but sit until he and his friends want to go be comfy at the race track), buying himself dinner out and bringing it home to eat in front of us. In the meantime, he watched me sewing patches into our 13-year old's jeans because they were split in the upper thighs; when I asked for money to get her some more pants, I was informed that I would have the money if I hadn't bought her an iPod for Christmas.
2. Your partner's emotional disturbance or chronic immaturity make his thinking and choices around money illogical and impulsive.
Again, he does spend money impulsively on his "toys". However, I am told if I dare to voice a complaint about it, that he works hard for his money (as if I don't!) and he deserves to get what he wants.
3. Your partner's abusive values put his needs above yours. This might mean that your partner spends on things that are his priorities without putting resources toward your priorities. It could also mean that your schooling and career have been on hold because his needs came first, or because you had to give your attention to the children. Then you realize that your turn is never coming.
Where do I begin on this one! This is our relationship in a nutshell. I guess I should be thankful that I am "allowed to work", because I know so many women in abusive relationships are even denied that, but damn.....my income goes to pay for everything household, for my kids (our kids) needs and mine. There just is not enough to take care of all of that. I have had four broken teeth for years; really need root canals (if it isn't too late). Sometimes they get infected and swell and are painful, however, that is my responsibility--not his fault I can't spend money responsibly enough to be able to fix them. Seriously!! Where does he think the money is going to come from. When I tell him I am going to have to get a second job just to afford the clothes the girls need and my dental issues, he screams at me that I am being selfish for even thinking of spending more time from home. It would be one thing if that money was to help "us" out, but this is just to benefit me. And by the way, why would I expect him to willingly pick up more of the household responsibilities--that is only to benefit me so I am not so stressed trying to do it all, that won't put him any further ahead (or in his "good" moments, that won't put "us" any further ahead).
Exercise: Commitment to financial health
1. How has this relationship impacted your financial health?
Upon entering this relationship, I was a 20 year old single mom working three jobs to support me and my 1 year old son. I had gotten my first credit card and was doing well with my credit and bank account and living with my mom paying half the bills. Things weren't great, and I can't say for sure what might have been because I was still fairly new at this responsibility thing. I did like to take my son places and buy him things (who doesn't), but I worked hard and spent a lot of time away from him to ensure I could do those things for him.
When T. and I got together, he immediately started sponging--can't think of a better word. He would take my car, stay at my house indefinitely with no responsibilities, and expected me to pay if we went anywhere (shouldn't that have been clue one you say....) Every place we have ever lived has been in my name; when he decides it is time to move on, he leaves me holding the tab for broken leases, etc. Every vehicle I have managed to get on my own has somehow been a piece of shit and he has had to buy another (I'm not sure what happens to those vehicles, I think he sells them although he tells me he scraps them--but they were fine as far as I could tell), then the car is his and he only lets me use it. Every dime I get for taxes, etc. he takes if he knows I have it. I pay for every thing in the house, with the exception of half the rent he pays. The kids have always been my responsibility from daycare to clothing to gifts because, well I had them. I had a $5900 bill I had to pay with the MVA because or a car he took and never turned tags in on--although he promised me he did, but it was then my responsibility to figure out how to take care of it because..... I am in debt up to my eyeballs, struggling to make ends meet, working my ass off, and I come out looking like the irresponsible one with money because he doesn't have these issues. Well of course not!
2. Do you need help finding, interpreting, and knowing how to improve or keep a healthy credit score? Has your relationship impacted you in this area?
Well, it has definitely impacted my credit score, but I don't need help understanding it. I get it, I just have to get through these recent issues.
3. If your income allows, do you have an emergency savings to which you have access? If so, how is this goal supported in your relationship?
I just started an emergency savings, which my income really doesn't allow but I had to do something. This is not supported--he does everything within his power to ensure that I am kept as destitute as possible. I could never tell him I started an emergency savings because he would then try to take that too.
4. Do you understand your options for planning for your older years? How does your partner contribute to this plan?
I understand perfectly my options, but right now I am just trying to survive the immediate future.
5. Do you feel confident in your ability to manage cash flow and budget? In what ways does your partner influence your ability to manage this plan?
I am confident that I know how to do this, I've been managing on a limited amount for a long time. He makes it impossible to budget because if he even gets an inkling that I might have a few extra dollars he needs something from me.
6. Do you feel confident in handling your tax responsibilities?
Yes
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