FINALLY moving on!
Well, the neighbor thing seems to be finally getting somewhere! He marked the property line where the fence is going to go (another foot further into HIS property than I was expecting) and the city has come and marked wires/pipes, so he's just about ready to get started in putting it up! AND, other than one minor "I'm not touching you" kind of incident, things have been quiet.... WONDERFULLY quiet!
And I figured out what was going on with that FEAR I've been dealing with. Tuesday, one of my dog park friends had a major heart attack. Luckily, she had a friend visiting, was able to get immediate help, and while she's in the hospital still, she's going to be ok. And that's where my FEAR lies.... being alone... being so isolated that if I needed urgent help, no one would be there.... Add in my old childhood FEARS, and there ya go! I did some inner digging on those fears when I could finally see them completely.... I figured out where they came from, why they feel so huge and why they are triggering borderline panic attacks... it's because throughout my childhood I never felt supported, was never told "I LOVE YOU" from any of my parents, and never got a "good job" at anything when I did well. I used to so desperately latch onto family as if I was falling, because it was such an extreme emotional need... one where I wanted their support, felt disappointed when I didn't get it, and then latched on harder... Yeah, I know... it's messed up! And to this day I still have no support from them (except Dad, who has been pretty awesome despite his own issues)... and on top of it, when I moved here, I cut off my own remaining attachments, which just enhanced those insecurities over the last 20 years, and then I divorced the X who was basically the ONLY person who made me feel good about myself. So THERE'S the FEAR. And now, because of that, when I deal with things like the neighbor issue, those childhood fears make me question myself.... damn ego says things like "you're not good enough", "you don't deserve strength or happiness", and "YOU CAN'T DO THIS".... And I just have to keep telling that ego to SHUT UP, and pull up my faith in myself to keep moving forward and grow stronger from this... I CAN DO THIS! It's working... but DAMN it's hard!
And so... I move forward! Because my rational side KNOWS that you don't give up when you've just WON! OOPS! TIME! Gotta run.... LATER!
And I figured out what was going on with that FEAR I've been dealing with. Tuesday, one of my dog park friends had a major heart attack. Luckily, she had a friend visiting, was able to get immediate help, and while she's in the hospital still, she's going to be ok. And that's where my FEAR lies.... being alone... being so isolated that if I needed urgent help, no one would be there.... Add in my old childhood FEARS, and there ya go! I did some inner digging on those fears when I could finally see them completely.... I figured out where they came from, why they feel so huge and why they are triggering borderline panic attacks... it's because throughout my childhood I never felt supported, was never told "I LOVE YOU" from any of my parents, and never got a "good job" at anything when I did well. I used to so desperately latch onto family as if I was falling, because it was such an extreme emotional need... one where I wanted their support, felt disappointed when I didn't get it, and then latched on harder... Yeah, I know... it's messed up! And to this day I still have no support from them (except Dad, who has been pretty awesome despite his own issues)... and on top of it, when I moved here, I cut off my own remaining attachments, which just enhanced those insecurities over the last 20 years, and then I divorced the X who was basically the ONLY person who made me feel good about myself. So THERE'S the FEAR. And now, because of that, when I deal with things like the neighbor issue, those childhood fears make me question myself.... damn ego says things like "you're not good enough", "you don't deserve strength or happiness", and "YOU CAN'T DO THIS".... And I just have to keep telling that ego to SHUT UP, and pull up my faith in myself to keep moving forward and grow stronger from this... I CAN DO THIS! It's working... but DAMN it's hard!
And so... I move forward! Because my rational side KNOWS that you don't give up when you've just WON! OOPS! TIME! Gotta run.... LATER!
Replies
It is truly amazing how our childhood affects us! I am also working on issues of abandonment and loneliness that started around the age of four. Talking to my \'inner self\'.
Hard work, but we CAN do this.
Have a great weekend!
Wow, it is amazing reading this. I am trying to work on very similar issues within myself and the feeling of being let down by others.
As you say it is so hard to overcome these feelings that are so deep rooted within us, and it seems to be a constant battle to keep remiding ourselves we are worthy of something better.
Just this week I had a run-in with my boss that totally crushed me feeling of selfworth. It sickened me to see how quickly I had allowed what he said to take me right back to that horrible place.
I am so proud of you for sticking up for yourself with regards to the neighbour and for putting this bully in his place. What a feeling of triumph that must be.
This afternoon I am going to have a meeting with my boss, and so am praying hard at the moment for the wisdom to say the right things and to stick up for myself too, and not allow him to bully me either.
Enjoy your triumph - you deserve it!!!
I learned a long time ago that if I don\'t look out for me, nobody else will. You are just learning about another Gift of Betrayal -- chances are, had your marriage stayed together, you would have NEVER overcome your irrational fear. Consider it special knowledge bestowed upon you by this turn in the Universe! Good for you -- I am so proud of you!
You ARE strong! You have gained so much self-knowledge through the trying times that you have faced these past years - the divorce, the neighbour issue and I bet lots of other \'little\' victories along the way. You\'re right - your life is WORKING, and that\'s because of your tremendous efforts at self-growth and awareness. You\'ve made the best investment you can make - in YOU! Good on ya!
I\'m always alone. A couple of years ago Zee bucked me off and I hung a foot in the stirrup and he dragged me across the ring. Of course I lived to tell about it but I was totally alone that day with no one any where I could have called on for help. Luckily I got myself out of the mess I was in.
My childhood was much like yours. You are strong and you look problems in the eye and fix them. If the problem is yours you acknowledge it and change. You did so well to challenge this neighbor when he was wrong. In the end he will have respect for you because you took care of yourself and the problem he created.