Finally I'm not alone

I would like to find help by reading others accounts of emotional abuse.  I find that day to day living with my mother who is emotionally abusive, is in some cases harder than living with sexual abuse from my father.  I find it's a pride issue.  I've been sexually abused, or raped during my user days, which I take some of the blame for...for getting wasted and being at the wrong place at the wrong time, but nothing hurts as much as when I was suicidal and my mother said she had to go to the movies instead of coming home to help me.  She, my mom, said she wished I'd never been born 3 times over the past twenty years.  I know that's nothing compared to hearing it every day.  But it's really stuck with me.  After the "party years"  I got fat.  Which isn't that big of deal, but before I gave birth I starved myself and was actually encouraged by my physc doctor and parents to stay thin no matter what the cost.  Now I'm what they say "morbidly obese."  I take a lot of stuff to the extremes like very thin or very heavy, but I was never happy with a nice size 8.  My mom looks down on me for being overweight she said the other week, "Here this sweater is huge and too big for me, it will fit you just right."  With this stupid smile, or grin and a little "Haha," giggle giggle.  We get in word wars constantly and she is always trying to play mind games and holds me to stuff I said like 20 years ago.  I was a bitter, lonely, starving person 20 years ago.  I've done a  180 degree turn which my mom will never acknowledge.  Not just the outward things, like quitting smoking both Newports and weed, being a good mom, quitting drinking by myself and with others, no partying with corrupt people or sleeping around.  She holds me to my "bad years"  every day of my life.  She even corrects other people when they commend me on my accomplishments and says, "Oh, well she use to be the "evil twin."  (I'm a twin by the way.) I don't see me and my mom ever seeing eye to eye, or her ever getting over my party years, even though I'm 36 and back then 18.