Finally falling apart
I just don't know where to begin. I haven't been on here at all. I'm still taking the Cymbalta and I just haven't really felt myself. Yes, the jumbled thoughts are better. But I really don't think about much at all. Except for now, for tonight. One year ago, I was with my family. My son, Robert, was alive. One year ago tonight, my son told me he loved me for the last time. I sit here wanting to cry, to scream, to die. This past year has been such a nightmare. And it just doesn't seem to end. I actually sat last weekend and wrote letters to my family. The thought of going on just hurts. I know I have so much to live for, but some days I don't know why. I am having neck surgery next Friday. I can't help but wonder if I will wake up from it. When I think of everything I've had happen this past year, I can't help but think something will go wrong. But I'm not scared of dying anymore. I used to be terrified to think about it, but since Robert died, I'm not. I miss my son so terribly right now. It's not right for a mother to outlive her child. I am now on my first year of everything. I can't help but think I should have done more to save Robert. We should have gave him more time. Miracles happen, right?? I just don't know how to cope with this. And when I have this surgery, I won't be able to go anywhere and I will be sitting here doing nothing but thinking and grieving. My God, how will I get through this?!?!
Replies
Hi Penny,
It\'s my first year for everything, too- It\'s been just a little bit over 3 months since we lost our 29 year-old son. How old was Robert? My heart goes out to you for your deep grief as well as your health problems.
If you don\'t mind my asking, what kind of surgery are you having done? I had a cervical spine fusion 11+ years ago, now having lower back & hip pain every day.
Thinking of you,
Donnasd
Thank you, my friend. My Robert was 25. He had taken a fentynal patch and asphyxiated in his sleep. Nobody realized anything was wrong until hours later.
I\'m having fusion in my neck. I\'ve been in three wrecks since the death of my son. This has been a rough year. I also had a herniated disc in my back last year and dealt with sciatic nerve pain for four months. So tired of being in pain.
Hugs to you.
Penny
I am so sorry for all the health problems you are having and especially for the loss of your dear Robert. I have dealt with back problems for nearly 20 yrs now and have had 2 back surgeries, so I know how the pain can simply wear you down. Then to have to deal with this overwhelming grief is so much to bear. I wish I had some words of comfort or wisdom for you but I am only 9 weeks and 3 days into this journey and can hardly think myself. One thing that is helping me is reading the journal entries and getting to know the wonderful moms and their beautiful children. Thank you for friending me and allowing me to get to know you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...Hugs, Rose (mom of Lewy)
Hi, please take heart, the pain of our loss will dull somewhat. Its been 2 1/2 years since i lost my Ami. I had to suffer with catastropic tinnitus the entire time which is like a constant pain - just hissing noises in my ears. I found something to make me go on. Its here three little grand children. They are making it worthwhile to me to LIVE !!! You have an operation to go through so do that and then try very hard to find try to shift your focus a bit. Don\'t know who you have but there must be someone. Hugs, Rose (mom of Ami).
Dearest Penny, I wish there was something I could say to take your pain away. You describe a lot of my feelings and thoughts. I am looking forward to the day I will finally get to be with my little girl again and is so hard sometimes (most times) to keep looking for something in this world that seems good enough reason and purpose to keep getting up every morning and trying to survive. It has been 18 months for me. My daughter was 14 and my youngest and we were very close. My other 3 have moved away since this tragedy and left me here alone. I have a few friends from work and church but is not the same and they dont really understand. I know I have made forward movement in this grief because I dont lay on Alyssa\'s bed for hours on end waiting and begging God to take me, like I did in the beginning. And I am able to concentrate for short spans now at my job, when I could not in the beginning. Look for the smallest of forward movement you have made, it is there, somewhere. You are right, miracles do happen. Heaven is a miracle, which is where your angel Robert is. Living through this grief and pain is a miracle too. You are living a miracle. All of us moms here are. And thank you God for this place to come to where we all come together here. I know I would not have survived if I had not found you all here. Take baby steps. I think it was Deb who said think of it like an inch worm, inching along. Hang in there sister. And read the journals when you feel up to it. They are so helpful. Hugs and Peace to you. Dee xoxo
P.S. You might consider going to see \"Heaven Is For Real.\" It reassured me that our children and other loved ones have survived and we will be together again. That little boy was there. There is no other explanation for what he saw, heard and experienced. Not that i ever doubted where Alyssa is, but this boys account feels so reassuring and brings peace to a grieving soul.
I send my prayers your surgery goes well and you will be better...,,, you have gone 1 year with all your firsts,,, it,s so hard,,, I know,,, you have my love and prayers,,,,,,
Your pain is palpable and I hold the space with compassion and so much understanding. There are no answers for us now and there is not a mother in this world that doesn\'t wish she could have done something, anything to have changed the horrific outcome yet for whatever reason we did not know, could not have known and I doubt could have changed anything.
My thoughts and prayers are with you as you prepare for surgery and you have been in horrific soul pain and physical pain and that is a double whammy of the most epic of proportions. Hugest of sighs...
Gentle care as you remember and hopefully feel not so alone when you are here.
Healing hugs and a moment of peace,
XO Joanie
Penny, if this is any help at allll your feelings are normal. We all, as moms feel we could have and should have been able to do something. But we couldn\'t. If we could have we would have. Just know that Robert knows you loved him and still love him and will forever and you did nothing wrong. I hope your surgery goes well and you heal well in both your grieving mother\'s heart as well as your physical body. Love to you and dearest Robert, Linda
Sorry, the word in my first sentence should be all. my phone acts up sometimes. Hugs...
You have spoken just how my first year felt. Now that three years have gone since my son died, each year was different. There seems to be an ebb and flow of feelings. No one gets it but the other moms.
I hope your surgery goes well and you get relief of the physical pain.
Sending you positive thoughts and hugs for you and your Robert.
Debbie
I remember thinking..it would be okay if I died...I would never hurt myself because that would cause my family more pain than they deserved. I don\'t know exactly HOW we do it...but we do. Try not to look too far into the future...just day to day. I also think we each have felt guilt in some way...and that serves no purpose...we loved our children with all our might...and certainly never truly believed our children would ever pass. Love and gentle hugs to you...Karen
I\'ve spent the last few days wondering what he did. Was he happy? I know he was in pain. That was why they let him out of jail for 30 days. I\'d give anything if they hadn\'t done that. On this day a year ago, I was at the hospital praying he would wake up. I just never dreamed he would die.
Thank you all for your support!
None of us could imagine our child dying. I was just incomprehensible - and still is. How could it happen? There are so many what ifs - so much life to live. Just know that you are not alone. You are loved and needed.
I wish you well in your surgery.
Love and huge hugs,
Marlene