filthy habits

I realise that a part of myself has given up. This shows in the way i'm not taking much care of myself and also in the way I am spending my time.I find it difficult not to be slothful and gluttonous when I'm bored and low on energy. I could have done something else with my afternoon that worked towards my long term goals and was less self defiant but i became extremely mindless...  How to get out of this trap?? I try to tell myself that I have the power of choice, but I keep losing. I keep thinking that I'm doomed to be fat and that my boyfriend will consequently look at porn again if he isn't already. I punish myself because of the pain I am in somehow. I want to be free and I know God gives me freedom so on one end I feel boundless and happy and joyful in the Lord, but I know that my actions don't always line up with this - and it's my responsibility to fight my own demons (and most likely hormones in there as well and bad thinking patterns!!) In all my psych research I've found 'control' to be a determining factor in eating disorders.How I ask myself.. do I feel a lack of control in my life???(DIG DEEP I say to myself!!) hmmm- I feel fearful of becomming fat and ugly- I feel no one will want me if I'm not slim and pretty- I feel disgraced and trapped by food, is this because I'm avoiding something or being lazy..- I worry Nathan my boyfriend is looking at porn and I can't stop him- I worry that I'll be not looked after well so often fall into thinking 'whats the point! in even bothering to look after myself if no one else does- I worry others can not handle the anger/jealousy/pain that I hold deep inside and so I pent it up and release it on food- I feel so stressed, and so responsible, I give so much and try to be selfless and so in turn eating becomes a way of treating myself How do I escpae these things?- I need healing- I need to improve habits- Continued narrative journaling and counselling- Leaning on God upmost- Being productive and to a point; busy- Fill myself up with things that I get enjoyment out of and people that refresh me and lift me up (I';ve few of these that bother giving their time). S.O.S