Figuring out My Depression
Thursday, November 6, 2008 – 6:55 P.M. Things are not being going well for me today, but I am not quite sure about the reason for this. I am not feeling good, physically, and that seems to have an effect on my emotional outlook on life. I have been trying to figure out why I still have depression. I have been in therapy for about two and a half years. Admittedly, most of that time was for substance abuse. In dealing with that, I was also getting some therapy for my depression. However, it seemed hard for me to deal with both of them at the same time. While dealing with my depression, my social worker seems to have zeroed in on my lack of family ties. During the last few months, I have had counseling sessions with my sister, one session with both my sister and brother, and I am now getting ready to have a session with just my brother. I am sure that the problems I am trying to work through with them have caused a large amount of my depression, but I am also sure there is more to it than that. During a family conference, with my social worker and psychologist included, I asked one question of my family, and it seems as though everything was blown out of proportion. I am not happy dealing with family issues. I would just as soon drop them. My therapists seem to think that getting these issues out in the open will help me remember other things that I may have repressed in my memory. In the last few weeks, I have been going through periods during which I have regretted trying to deal with my depression at all. Almost every time I seem to take one-step forward, I feel as though I am taking two steps back. When I dig into my past, I wind up remembering things that happened to me at a younger age. I see myself undergoing various types of abuse that should not have happened to anyone. It hurts me not only to see these events in my mind, but also to actually reveal them to others. What I have written here today probably will not make much sense to anyone else, but it does to me, and that is all that really matters. What I have said may seem incoherent to many people, yet, I fully understand the meaning. I need to get some relief, and to get away from the pain that lives within me. That is what I feel I need, but it is unlikely that I will get it any time soon.
Replies
The pain that lives within you?
LET IT OUT. Then shoo it away. If you keep it inside it will always be there to bug you. Revealing it to others only means the abusers were jerks, not you. And they were heinous jerks of the lowest kind. I\'ll stop there.........
And, depression? Or feeling insecure, and frustrated? Or sad? And grieving the youth and childhood you didn\'t get to have?
My cousins who went through codependency therapy (their dad was an alcoholic) said it\'s like slogging through mud. It IS one step forward, two steps back. And relearning, and doing things a new way and getting used to that.
Pain was your comfort zone so long...... You literally have a LIFETIME of things to change as far as how you think. So you can\'t expect to \'fix\' it in a few weeks or months. And I know you can do it. You\'ve already come a HUGE way. But I think you\'ve forgotten that.
You are ALLOWED to think well of yourself and treat yourself with respect.
And I think, you should go get a big box of crayons, and a coloring book and color something. Forget your CP, just do something that the little kid in you would do with wild abandon. Start over.
We will all celebrate with you and hang your art work on our refrigerators, I\'m SURE.
Hugs and Mojo
Weebs
It makes way too much sense to me, Jim. I\'ve been having memories surface lately.
My therapist thinks I am grieving. Could that be going on for you? I feel like I\'m grieving over the death of how I thought my childhood was okay. It\'s a strange feeling. I feel like I should feel better for letting go of these illusions, but I don\'t yet.
I think it\'s appropriate to remind you just how far you have come since I\'ve been reading your journals. You went to pool therapy, even though it was terrifying for you. That was inspiring to me. You spoke up about how your brother stole money from you. That was inspiring. You are taking steps to change that dynamic. Even more inspiring.
Not to mention beating your crack habit. Holy crap. That was amazing.
You\'ve consistently and steadily been taking back power by taking baby steps. Although it might feel like you\'ve gone back a few steps, really you\'ve just unpeeled another layer of hurt and pain.
My therapist asked me a great question when I told her memories are surfacing. She said \'What are they telling you\"? For me, it was that it really wasn\'t my fault. Abuse after abuse after abuse happened and I survived. Perhaps your memories are surfacing to tell you the same thing? You had no control and were an incredibly resilient and resourceful survivor.
You are dealing with so much, That is enough to make ANYONE depressed my friend, not to mention dealing with CP and being in a wheelchair for 60 plus years. When times are tough for me I try to think well, they always could be worse. At least I have food a roof and heat in my house. That\'s more then some people have right now, hugs always-Stephanie
Your Mojo is right on target, along with your other supportive friends.
I have been having a rough time, too.
But, even though it seems like things get worse when you work on our painful past, better days are coming.
I do understand what you reference in this entry.
Deep peace to you.