Figuring out My Depression

Thursday, November 6, 2008 – 6:55 P.M. Things are not being going well for me today, but I am not quite sure about the reason for this.  I am not feeling good, physically, and that seems to have an effect on my emotional outlook on life.   I have been trying to figure out why I still have depression.  I have been in therapy for about two and a half years.  Admittedly, most of that time was for substance abuse.  In dealing with that, I was also getting some therapy for my depression.  However, it seemed hard for me to deal with both of them at the same time.   While dealing with my depression, my social worker seems to have zeroed in on my lack of family ties.  During the last few months, I have had counseling sessions with my sister, one session with both my sister and brother, and I am now getting ready to have a session with just my brother.  I am sure that the problems I am trying to work through with them have caused a large amount of my depression, but I am also sure there is more to it than that.   During a family conference, with my social worker and psychologist included, I asked one question of my family, and it seems as though everything was blown out of proportion.  I am not happy dealing with family issues. I would just as soon drop them. My therapists seem to think that getting these issues out in the open will help me remember other things that I may have repressed in my memory.   In the last few weeks, I have been going through periods during which I have regretted trying to deal with my depression at all.  Almost every time I seem to take one-step forward, I feel as though I am taking two steps back.   When I dig into my past, I wind up remembering things that happened to me at a younger age.  I see myself undergoing various types of abuse that should not have happened to anyone.  It hurts me not only to see these events in my mind, but also to actually reveal them to others.   What I have written here today probably will not make much sense to anyone else, but it does to me, and that is all that really matters.  What I have said may seem incoherent to many people, yet, I fully understand the meaning.   I need to get some relief, and to get away from the pain that lives within me.  That is what I feel I need, but it is unlikely that I will get it any time soon.