Fighting the war

I find myself fighting a war in my head every day so the "evil twin" does not emerge.
Sometimes she wins sometimes I can keep her locked up inside my head.  But the fight gets harder and harder everyday.
There are times I know that doing certain things is dangerous but I do them anyway and get angry at myself.
Like at this present moment I am so tempted to go buy some beer.  I know that is the wrong thing to do becuase I already know what will happen. My evil twin will come out and get all negative and nasty and I start the physical fight with her which includes punching a few walls, breaking my hand and wrecking everything.
I don't have a support person except my therapist whom I can go to and send the I need someone text.  I know I need to be with someone right now but don't trust anyone and the only one that I can and have asked she can't but she doesn't realize and I am not going to tell her is that I needed to be with people for my safety.
I am just going to have to fight it once again.  I get so restless as well which is not a good combinaton.  Nothing I do helps to take my mind off anything.   
I just can't seem to accept I have a mental disorder.  I can accept I have arthritis in my back and shoulder but can't accept a mental disease is the same thing.
Why do I hate myself that much that I can hurt myself in such ways?
Fight fight fight