fighting futility

I have found I am caught in a vicious circle that is what my life seems to have become.  I am still recovering slowly from the knee problems and do not know how far this will go.  I miss my life as it was before all of this started.  I feel empty and hollow inside.  It is as if I am living more in my head than anything else.  My reduced mobility keeps me home.  I stay home because I am uncomfortable with others when I am not home or at a safe place for me.  My apprehension is not new as i have a life long phobia of sorts about being in public.  My level of discomfort has ebbed and flowed linked with my state of mind.  Lately, I have been in one of the lowest places I have been in my life.

I wonder too often if living is really worth it.  I hurt.  My prosthesis hurts when I walk.  My knee normally does not hurt but once in a while it can get sore from overuse and then I dread standing.  I miss living where I was not dogged by the pain and frustration I have now.  Nothing is easy.  Nothing is fun.  Happiness is fleeting......

Being in such a low place my mind keeps replaying all the failures of my life and every insulting thing that those who I thought loved me said to hurt me on purpose.  I wonder how is it fair that people who are narcissitic abusers seem to always make out and potentially good people are consumed by them like coal in a boiler.  I wonder why supposed mental health experts could not see the patterns of behavior in the people who abused me my whole life?  Just knowing 20 or 30 years ago could have made such a huge difference for me and the choices I was going to make. 

I guess it is fitting that I discover the true nature of those people when I am past any portion of a meaningful life for me.  I do nto understand why my life has been such a sad experience.  God must hate me I guess.  I have such deep regret for every thing I did that caused anyone harm or was not right.  I have tried for as long as I can remember to try to do the right thing.  I thought it mattered and it was worth doing the right thing.

What is the point of my life????????