Fibro can be so patient....

Fibro, and it's many friends, feel like a patient predator. They don't need to exhaust themselves by chasing me down; they wait until I'm distracted. They sneak up on me and take whatever opportunity they can to bring me down. There can't seem to be a positive action without the relentless negative quickly following. Try not to push yourself. Know your limits. Take things slow. All wonderful advice to follow. But what do they say about the 'best laid plans'? Simple things aren't simple. Walking wrong, sitting wrong, staying in one position too long, can all cause some horrible pain or muscle spasm sending me back to bed with my heating pad and half a ton of pain meds. Feeling betrayed by your own body sucks. We haven't exactly been on the best of terms since puberty, but you'd think it would give me a break every once in a while. And if that's not bad enough, there's the fun, emotional tornado that likes to rip through every now and then. The emotional predator can be worse than the illness one sometimes. He likes to lurk on the edge of your vision, just enough so you know he's there, ready to pounce. Having energetic 6 year old, twin boys makes you long for a few minutes of alone time. Especially when you're having a flare up. But, when the husband and kids are asleep, and you're up with your pain and there's nothing more you can do; loneliness and sadness take their chance to latch on. And sometimes they hit like an emotional sledgehammer. It really, truly feels like I'm alone in the world with no one to turn to sometimes. I don't have a close friend or family member that can really understand what I'm going through. My husband (who has made HUGE leaps with trying to research and understand fibro and all that comes with it) tries to carry as much of the burden as he can, but I always feel that guilt. That I can take care of myself (or anything, sometimes). That I ask too much. That I need him so much. We haven't been in the best of circumstances for quite a while now and, knowing that things would be completely different if I could function like a normal human being, tears me up inside. I hate feeling useless. I hate feeling lonely and depressed. I miss being myself. But, I'm stuck. I'm stuck sitting here, waiting, while the fibro pack circles, slowly......