Felt like Crap Today
Today I felt like crap, realized yesterday I felt like crap and changed my mood to reflect it on DS. Well, for yesterday I put okay since I was feeling good part of the day. Today I didn't feel good almost all day. I woke up okay at around 12:30pm after a night of insomnia so I got about 12 hours sleep (which works on my trying to cut down on sleep) and lay in bed until 2 when I decided to go for my walk. It took me that long to convince myself to get out of bed and go for my walk. Well, I did get out of bed at 1 to have breakfast (rice and leftover sauce from last night) and so I wanted to give my body some time to digest the food before I went for my walk. I went back to bed after I ate and lay there just thinking until 2, and then got ready for my walk.
I can almost pinpoint the place on my walk where everything went downhill. I was walking and suddenly my foot started to hurt from me wearing heels yesterday, so I decided to turn around and go back home. It's like at that moment things started going downhill. I had to sit a bunch of times on my walk, and just wanted to give up. Give up on everything. I wanted to take my wedding ring off for some unknown reason and just leave it in the grass. I don't want to leave Geo, I love him to death, but the ring just seemed like a heavy burden to me. I don't want to cook for Thanksgiving anymore, I don't want to go to work, I don't want any responsibility. I just want to lie here in bed and do nothing all day. Well, lie in bed and talk on the phone to people. Even going online seems too much for me right now since it means I have to do the stuff I'm supposed to (like this journal). I want to be away from the computer and everything else.
I know that this is my body getting ready to get suicidal. I don't know what to do to prevent it. I can't take any more antidepressants since they lowered my Depakote and I'm already going up and down. I might have to go back to the doctor to get a medication tweak. I hope I don't have to go into the hospital for it, but if that's what's needed so be it. I think Geo needs to know how down I am. I'm scared to tell him I wanted to take the ring off, but I think that will let him know the severity of the depression. I'm going to try and make it to the end of the week (so Thanksgiving is over) before seeing about going into the hospital. I want to try and give my body some time to stabilize. I might take a bit more Depakote if I have to (I can take 250 more mg in the morning if needed without getting a bad reaction) and see about upping my antidepressant. I don't know, though.... I just want to give up on everything right now. I'm not going to hurt myself... I'm not in that frame of mind, I just want to not exist anymore. Just go poof.
I should have gotten the clue last night when I wanted to take all these pills that I didn't need just for the sake of taking them. I have some Vicodin for my back, and I wanted to take one for my head even though it's not going to work on my headache. That's the last thing I need... a pain pill addiction. I don't know why I wanted to take it... it doesn't help me sleep (which I couldn't do last night), it doesn't get me high, it doesn't do anything but take pain away. I took some ibuprofen instead and then the desire went away. I just don't know what I'm going to do with myself anymore. I don't want to do anything with myself anymore. I don't want to eat, all I want to do is sleep and not worry about anything. I just want to sleep my life away. No more responsibility, nothing.
Well, I might as well do the normal report for the day. Food I was low on calories (gasp!) around 1,200 is what I managed to shove down my throat. I had rice and sauce for breakfast and dinner, chicken with dinner and a Greek yogurt for lunch. I almost didn't eat the yogurt since I was tired, but I made myself. I slept like crap last night... took me forever to fall asleep and I had to take klonopin to get there. I woke up a couple times, but at least for the most part slept through the night. Stress was high today since on my walk I didn't want to do anything, but forced myself to shuffle home. I wanted to ask for a ride home from people, but I know better than to hitchhike. You never know what kind of trouble you will find yourself in if you are in someone else's car. I don't think I'm going to go for a walk tomorrow unless I wake up feeling totally different than today. I don't know what tomorrow has in store, I just hope it's better than today.
I can almost pinpoint the place on my walk where everything went downhill. I was walking and suddenly my foot started to hurt from me wearing heels yesterday, so I decided to turn around and go back home. It's like at that moment things started going downhill. I had to sit a bunch of times on my walk, and just wanted to give up. Give up on everything. I wanted to take my wedding ring off for some unknown reason and just leave it in the grass. I don't want to leave Geo, I love him to death, but the ring just seemed like a heavy burden to me. I don't want to cook for Thanksgiving anymore, I don't want to go to work, I don't want any responsibility. I just want to lie here in bed and do nothing all day. Well, lie in bed and talk on the phone to people. Even going online seems too much for me right now since it means I have to do the stuff I'm supposed to (like this journal). I want to be away from the computer and everything else.
I know that this is my body getting ready to get suicidal. I don't know what to do to prevent it. I can't take any more antidepressants since they lowered my Depakote and I'm already going up and down. I might have to go back to the doctor to get a medication tweak. I hope I don't have to go into the hospital for it, but if that's what's needed so be it. I think Geo needs to know how down I am. I'm scared to tell him I wanted to take the ring off, but I think that will let him know the severity of the depression. I'm going to try and make it to the end of the week (so Thanksgiving is over) before seeing about going into the hospital. I want to try and give my body some time to stabilize. I might take a bit more Depakote if I have to (I can take 250 more mg in the morning if needed without getting a bad reaction) and see about upping my antidepressant. I don't know, though.... I just want to give up on everything right now. I'm not going to hurt myself... I'm not in that frame of mind, I just want to not exist anymore. Just go poof.
I should have gotten the clue last night when I wanted to take all these pills that I didn't need just for the sake of taking them. I have some Vicodin for my back, and I wanted to take one for my head even though it's not going to work on my headache. That's the last thing I need... a pain pill addiction. I don't know why I wanted to take it... it doesn't help me sleep (which I couldn't do last night), it doesn't get me high, it doesn't do anything but take pain away. I took some ibuprofen instead and then the desire went away. I just don't know what I'm going to do with myself anymore. I don't want to do anything with myself anymore. I don't want to eat, all I want to do is sleep and not worry about anything. I just want to sleep my life away. No more responsibility, nothing.
Well, I might as well do the normal report for the day. Food I was low on calories (gasp!) around 1,200 is what I managed to shove down my throat. I had rice and sauce for breakfast and dinner, chicken with dinner and a Greek yogurt for lunch. I almost didn't eat the yogurt since I was tired, but I made myself. I slept like crap last night... took me forever to fall asleep and I had to take klonopin to get there. I woke up a couple times, but at least for the most part slept through the night. Stress was high today since on my walk I didn't want to do anything, but forced myself to shuffle home. I wanted to ask for a ride home from people, but I know better than to hitchhike. You never know what kind of trouble you will find yourself in if you are in someone else's car. I don't think I'm going to go for a walk tomorrow unless I wake up feeling totally different than today. I don't know what tomorrow has in store, I just hope it's better than today.
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