Fell Too Hard Too Quickly

Throughout my entire I have always been afraid of falling in love. I was afraid of one person falling out of love in the relationship and the devastating feeling that would leave behind. Whether it be done to me or by me. I was content with the idea of living as an “Old Maid” and for 6 years I was happy being by myself. I had my friends, my family, and my work. Not having to worry about being rejected being only worried about myself felt like a huge relief when it came living my life. It wasn’t until someone managed to push through my walls where I started to think differently.

I’ve been pursued by men before, but had never taken the risk due to my fear or lack of chemistry. I thought I would never feel something deeply for anyone and that I only had myself. I was fine with that idea until someone I had known for years through a friend changed everything. We were only acquaintances for years. One night at a gathering, we had a casual small talk and then he asked if I wanted to “hang out.” I didn’t think much of it since it didn’t come across as someone who has romantic intentions. After that night, we started texting every night for hours. I felt so connected and comfortable with him. He would often tell me how he felt the same as me. We’ve been on a few dates, been romantic towards each other. For the first time in years, I actually wanted to take the risk at love. Everything was going well or so I thought. For only a little less than a month.

He never bothered to tell me that the connection was lost between us. It was only after I attempted to contact him 2 times and never received a response back where I had to accept the reality of the situation. Even though he never said the words, the truth was he didn’t want me any more. I became severely depressed that I couldn’t bare life. All I wanted to do was to stay in bed, but even sleeping was difficult because I always dream of him and what we use to have. 

It’s been a few months since then. I do feel like I’ve improved by doing therapy, a self help workbook, and focusing on the important things that exist in my life, but I still feel a longing for him. Obviously he is unstable and even cruel for not showing me some respect, but I would forgive him and want him to be a part of my life if it was possible. While I am in so much pain, I feel it’s because being with him in that special way was the happiest I had been in a long time and now it’s gone.