Fell off the wagon
My anxiety level was high yesterday.
I even went and got the toxic anti anxiety meds at the store yesterday to help get me thru the next few weeks. Without even arguing with myself, i stopped at the bar and had 3 glasses of wine and got violently ill when i got home. Next time i have a "bad day", I am going to remember how sick I got. My body just cant tolerate alcohol of any kind.
It always happens...i wake up the next morning and tell myself it was really stupid to do that and i cant afford to lose focus. While i was out, i did get a text from Roomie asking me if i was ok. I texted him back and told him to stop worrying. He worries when Im not around but pays very little attention when I am (the whole reason why I cant be with him). The wind blew my flowers over the last few nights, but he never goes out and picks them up, the trash can was full last week-but i wound up taking it out-the laundry is in a giant heap on the floor and I do it. His dishes pile in the sink and i load and i unload the dishwasher. I think it would be good for him to be alone and remember whats its like to do those things. And...i need to conserve my energy and take care of my own self and stop being someones maid. The thought of losing me doesnt inspire him.....he'll never change.
Replies
A mild alcohol allergy is my main deterrent to the excess anesthesia effects of alcohol. I can enjoy a sedative dose, but party drinking gets me commode hugging while I'm stone cold sober. I don't get drunk. I get sick. I've been assured on both sides of the controversy that I can **overcome** that allergy. On the party side. . . Well, I suspect you are more up-to-date on that rhetoric than I am. On the AA side, I am assured that the folks who **overcome** their allergies to join the party make the hardest case alcoholics. Joining that particular party carries an extra high price for us.
Caretaking is a tough habit to break. It goes anywhere and always limits the options. The caretakers seldom change, either. If change was easy, everybody would do it.
I remember reading somewhere that men think with the opposite side of their brain. I remember when I was married, my wife expected me to read her mind which was incredibly hard to do so I would start guessing how she was feeling and if I got it wrong the first time, she would assume I didn't care about her which was frustrating for me.
Statistically, messy people are happier then people who are cleaning alot. I forgave the differences between men and women on the day we signed the divorce papers and fortunately, we get along better now then we did when we were married. In reality, we love each other but we just can't live together.
How did your doctor appointment go?
Thursday at lunch the doctors office called and rescheduled my appt for this next Tuesday. My anxiety levels have been off the chart. Continue to have pain...and understress it hurts worse.
Yeah anxiety does that. Do you try to redirect your anxious thoughts? I know that sounds stupid but it helps me to just sit in the anxiety for a second until it starts to de-escalate and then let it kind of move on. I can then reset a bit. I breath through everything. That helps too.
That's enough to send my anxiety through the ionosphere, too, carrying the associated pain into escalation with it, of fucking course.
Breathing with you, Sage. . . Easy does it. May the long-term solutions be drawing nearer. Just praying. . .