Feels as if I might as well just do what I want to myself.
Why do all advice lines have to be such robots?
I'm telling you that I'm thinking about hurting myself, that all my brain is telling me to do is kill myself.
Speak to me like a person! Yes I'm sure lots of people DO get stressed around exam time as well, but you know what? Right now I really need this to stop being about how everyone else is feeling, just for a minute.
All I have done is hear how everyone else is feeling my whole life, and how the way I am is negatively effecting how everyone else is feeling.
WHY DOES NO-ONE GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING FOR A CHANGE?!
And more to the point - It's not just about the exams, why does no-one understand that?
I actually TRIED this time.
I TRIED not to cut myself, and instead go through the proper channels for help.
It shouldn't be so hard to give me some advice.
I want to kill myself or at the least hurt myself right now, but I've been told by my therapist that if I feel that way I can go to A&E and they will care for me, give me a proper assessment and handle me in the best way they see fit.
I have an exam at 9:30am that I can't revise for because my brain just keeps offering up reasons I shouldn't be alive. If I go to A&E because of this I will miss the exam.
WHAT DO I DO?
I asked the university nightline for help because I figured as an info and listening service they'd be able to tell me the procedure for what would happen if this was why I missed my exam but they are just going on the book. I know they have to but do they have to make it so obvious?
I need a person to see me as a person right now.
But I'm just sat here now like fuck it.
Why not cut myself?
I tried not to. I looked for help. No-one can really blame me if I do.
I care how my actions affect others, I care about being a good person for everyone else, I care about everyone else happiness ahead of my own 24/7.
Not only have I been told this is annoying by some of my friends, but it's also pretty goddamn one sided.
I let you all feel the way you're feeling despite how it affects me.
I am often hurt by the way you are feeling, but it is the way you are feeling so I do my best to understand.
It's not fair that I happily share in all your burdens without much complaint, and when I'm hurting its too much for you all.
I am not allowed to complain.
I am not allowed to hurt.
I am not allowed to feel anything that isn't rational.
I am not allowed to feel "too much".
I am not allowed to care "too much".
I am not allowed to worry.
Why the fuck not?
Why is being me such a fucking problem for everyone? Why is the amount I care too much? Why is the fact that I have feelings such an issue? WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO ISN'T ALLOWED TO BE A PERSON?
It sucks and I'm sick of it. I don't want to live being a burden to everyone I care about just by being my fucking self. It's always me that has to change. It's always me that makes all the sacrifices.
I hate myself enough. I don't need everyone I love hating me too.
I just want to be fucking loved.
Why is that so hard?
I'm telling you that I'm thinking about hurting myself, that all my brain is telling me to do is kill myself.
Speak to me like a person! Yes I'm sure lots of people DO get stressed around exam time as well, but you know what? Right now I really need this to stop being about how everyone else is feeling, just for a minute.
All I have done is hear how everyone else is feeling my whole life, and how the way I am is negatively effecting how everyone else is feeling.
WHY DOES NO-ONE GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING FOR A CHANGE?!
And more to the point - It's not just about the exams, why does no-one understand that?
I actually TRIED this time.
I TRIED not to cut myself, and instead go through the proper channels for help.
It shouldn't be so hard to give me some advice.
I want to kill myself or at the least hurt myself right now, but I've been told by my therapist that if I feel that way I can go to A&E and they will care for me, give me a proper assessment and handle me in the best way they see fit.
I have an exam at 9:30am that I can't revise for because my brain just keeps offering up reasons I shouldn't be alive. If I go to A&E because of this I will miss the exam.
WHAT DO I DO?
I asked the university nightline for help because I figured as an info and listening service they'd be able to tell me the procedure for what would happen if this was why I missed my exam but they are just going on the book. I know they have to but do they have to make it so obvious?
I need a person to see me as a person right now.
But I'm just sat here now like fuck it.
Why not cut myself?
I tried not to. I looked for help. No-one can really blame me if I do.
I care how my actions affect others, I care about being a good person for everyone else, I care about everyone else happiness ahead of my own 24/7.
Not only have I been told this is annoying by some of my friends, but it's also pretty goddamn one sided.
I let you all feel the way you're feeling despite how it affects me.
I am often hurt by the way you are feeling, but it is the way you are feeling so I do my best to understand.
It's not fair that I happily share in all your burdens without much complaint, and when I'm hurting its too much for you all.
I am not allowed to complain.
I am not allowed to hurt.
I am not allowed to feel anything that isn't rational.
I am not allowed to feel "too much".
I am not allowed to care "too much".
I am not allowed to worry.
Why the fuck not?
Why is being me such a fucking problem for everyone? Why is the amount I care too much? Why is the fact that I have feelings such an issue? WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO ISN'T ALLOWED TO BE A PERSON?
It sucks and I'm sick of it. I don't want to live being a burden to everyone I care about just by being my fucking self. It's always me that has to change. It's always me that makes all the sacrifices.
I hate myself enough. I don't need everyone I love hating me too.
I just want to be fucking loved.
Why is that so hard?
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